Take me as I am

What is up with me lately?

2011-03-03T12:30:00.000-08:00

Well let's see. Yesterday I went to a interview for Safeway. Now don't get all excited it wasn't a single interview it was a cattle call. Fill out the application on line and then go to a place between 10am and 1pm. So I filled out the application and drove myself to the location I was suppose to go to. And that my friends is what you call a complete and utter clusterfuck. I pull up into the parking lot and see a line of about 100 people all with umbrellas standing in the rain waiting their turn. I think oh... not so horrible so I go to find a parking spot. As I go around the corner I see that the line is actually wrapped around the building. About 500 people if not more. So I get out and go stand. In about 10 minutes I am soaked to the bone. So I said fuck it and came home. I am pretty sure they don't hire drowned rats with runny mascara.
I probably would have stayed if I had a umbrella. Although my chance of getting a job out of 48 openings with 500+ people standing there was probably nill.
I have been applying at things that in the past I would have laughed at even thinking about. Home Depot, Safeway, auto body shops, Target, Orchard Supply... you get the picture. I have been asking anywhere I go if they are hiring. The sad thing is not one of them has called me. Even the bottom of my barrel don't want me. And for some reason I am almost amused.
See I have learned a few things since I have been unemployed. The number one thing is pride is nothing. Pride in what you can do doesn't mean a damn thing if you don't have a job. And let me tell you something I was full of pride. I was that stupid person who said no matter what with my multiple skills I will get a job anywhere. HA. How the mighty have fallen.
I may have actually needed that though. I was cocky.
Ok lesson learned so can I get a job now LMAO!!
ahem...
There is a lot more I have learned too. Depression SUCKS. It is a creepy mean little thing that grabs you by the short hairs and takes control. But it is slow... slow and steady so you almost don't even see it until you are almost at rock bottom. Until nothing interests you anymore. Until you can't remember the last time you washed your hair. Until you start boo hooing just looking at the job boards. Then it is to late. You are caught. I have to wonder how many other people are there with me.
The medicine I have been taking since Saturday is different. I know at all points in time that I am on medication. I have never taken a medicine that made me feel that way. It makes me dizzy now and again. And it makes me feel like I might make some social faux pas at any time. It is getting better slightly though as time goes on.
But I also see promise in it. I have caught myself humming twice while cleaning. I can't remember the last time I did that. I actually looked in the mirror yesterday and thought wow you look like a slob. Another thing I haven't done in a while. And the fact that it is an outfit I have been wearing fairly often says something.
I am noticing the dirt in my house. I have no idea how I didn't see it before as it is pretty blatant. So the pills are doing something good I guess.
AND look two blog posts in a week. A record lately lol. I have to go to the store now so more later.

Let's see if meds help

2011-02-28T13:23:00.000-08:00

I am not sure if you remember previous blog posts where I explained that during pms I become some other person. That it was never normal. My good buddy Sazy pretty much told me I was having to many symptoms for normal pms and gave me a link for PMDD. Think Pms times twenty. After some pushing from her (and a pretty hairy anger episode) I decided to go ahead and go to the doctor.
Problem was I got a man who didn't understand a word I was saying and even said "oh you poor thing" when I told him I had actually gone into the bathroom to get away from the cat. I was going to just give up but Sazy pushed me lol.
So I went. What a difference a doctor makes. This one did the regular pap exam and then we sat and chatted about my issues. She listened to what I had to say and asked a bunch of questions. Then she gave me three options. She dismissed option number 2 because I smoke (birth control pills)
That left getting a implant to remove my period all together (or a different option to remove it) or going on Zoloft for Pmdd. Which is what she says I have.
I asked her which would be the best. She told me to try the zoloft for a month at which point we will do a phone appointment to see if it helped. If it did then I will take it for another two months to see if it continues to help. If this option works I will keep up with the zoloft for my pmdd.
If this option doesn't work then we will have to see about ending my periods. But as of this point I don't need to worry about that for at least a month.
If my pap comes out correct I won't need the cone biopsy. If it comes out bad then I do. Another thing not to worry about until I get the test results back.
I have to go to a therapist once two weeks from now so that they can determine if the zoloft has made me suicidal or nutso I guess. then no more of that. She said it was mandatory for this prescription for pmdd.
So as of right now I am doing a bit of research on zoloft and pmdd and I have to say it looks promising. I am completely shocked at these women's descriptions of another person taking over their body during this time because that is exactly how I feel. They also come back and write how this medication is a god send. But I will do more research just for my own piece of mind.
They say the first few days I will get dizzy and headachey but that it goes away fairly quickly.
Zoloft is also a anti depressant also so I am hopeful that it will help with the feelings that seem to have taken over me lately. I came home with the meds and immediately freaked out over the thought of taking "mind drugs". Like it made me less of a person or something stupid like that. Not reality but what I felt. But as my buddy Sazy said to me when I got scared and pretty much had talked myself out of taking the medication...Look at your blog, I am pretty sure you are clinically depressed. And the honey told me it is just for a month at first. If you don't like it stop.
So Saturday I started taking the meds. Sunday I got dizzy a bit and today I woke up with dilated pupils and a fuzzy feeling. All things that are to be expected during the first week. As of right now I am not sure that this medication is the best thing but it is something right?
I feel like...like... I failed in some strange way lol.
See I am now officially a crazy person. (I know I am not but that is how I see it in my head)

Alive. Not happy but alive

2011-02-17T14:01:00.000-08:00

At what point do you just give up? I am pretty much ready to reach that. But then again I can't give up.
I have gone through every emotion known to mankind. Anger, hope, excitement blah blah freaking blah.
To be honest I have no idea who I even am anymore. I look in the mirror and think my god what happened to me. Everything that I had an interest in I really don't have an interest in anymore.
Ah crap here goes another stupid poor me post. I just can't do that anymore. I don't want pity. I don't want people to hear blah blah blah in their head. I guess I am just not quite ready to post again yet.
sorry.

I don't know what else to talk about

2011-01-18T14:34:00.000-08:00

I feel like I am freaking out. I have gone through every emotion possible since I lost my job. Grief, sadness, hope, anger, depression, hopelessness. I apply every day. Multiple times a day. Nobody is biting. I am applying for things I am not qualified for, things I am qualified for and things I am over qualified for. Hell I am pretty much applying for anything that even sounds remotely like I could do it. Nothing. NOTHING.
I am going on two years of unemployment at the end of July. I thought about schooling but it is like my brain shuts down and for the life of me I can't find anything remotely interesting. (Minus pastry but that would cost me almost $40,000... hello unemployed) I have no idea how I would even go about schooling.
I just don't have the energy for anything. I don't have any drive left inside of me. I apply because I have to but I have gotten to the point where I sure in the hell don't expect to hear back from anyone.
I applied for a job that was almost word for word my last position. I thought that job would at least call me. NOTHING.
I am flat out done. I have no idea what more I can do. I am scared and hurt. Yes hurt which is stupid but I worked so damn hard to get the skills I have and then to have no one want them? UGH.
Most of my friends and family do not understand why I don't have a job yet. Even the honey doesn't understand. There have been tons and tons of comments about how I must not even be trying to get a job. Those comments cut deep. The settle on my soul and make me feel worse then I all ready do. I don't understand why people don't understand that I don't want this. That it makes me feel like less of a person. That each comment they make hurts and drags me down deeper into this damn depression that I can't claw myself out of. It was even a conversation during a Christmas party where everyone laughed and said I just wanted to be a housewife and started teasing the honey. I was mortified.
I am tired of watching every penny I have. I am tired of needing help sometimes with the groceries or bills. I have no fucking pride left. I hate this so much.
I am embarrassed about not having a job. So embarrassed. So fucking embarrassed.
I wish to God that this was over all ready. It has to end right? Right?

I think I am losing my mind.

Hello all

2011-01-12T11:29:00.000-08:00

I just haven't been in the right place to blog lately. Hell I am not in the right place to do anything lately. I got to the point where I started to think they don't want to hear me bitch about not having a job anymore but I don't know what else to talk about.
I am just plain frustrated with my situation. I really got a shock the other day as I was tweeking my resume to apply for a job and looked down at the date I left my last job. 2009. Fuck.
That threw me into some kind of tailspin that I haven't been able to get out of. I suck. Sigh.
I have skills. I want to work. Why in the hell can't I find work. And of course the longer I am off the less people are going to want to hire me. It is horrid.

Anywhoooo I just wanted to say I am alive and here still.

Family does some strange strange things.

2010-12-21T10:44:00.000-08:00

Saturday I went to the annual Christmas party the honey's family holds. While there things got a little strange in the middle of all the fun I was having.
So the honey's brother and his long term girlfriend Diane (almost as long as me and the honey) show up at the Christmas party from Nevada with her daughter and her husband. I am talking to Diane after the hugging and helloing and she holds out her hand and says look at what Tom bought me. There is a sparkly on her hand. An antique type ring. I said wow that is pretty. She goes on to tell me that they were in a antique store and he bought it for her and asked her to marry him.
Now I went into shock because Tom is a hard core bachelor. He was burned hard when he was young and married and it led to a divorce. Ever since then he has been a never in this lifetime am I going to be married type of guy. (he is now in his 60's) So it was a big surprise. I hug her and she goes off to show the rest of the family the ring and tell them they are engaged. I was seriously blown away. So in fact was everyone in the entire family.
About 2 glasses of wine later (for me) I run into her daughter who must be on her 10th beer lol. She grabs me by the arm and drags me into the other room and says you know that whole story is not real right? I look at her and say what story. She says the engagement story. I pretty much say WTF are you talking about. She tells me that Diane is worried that because she has never seen Toms will that the house that they paid for and all the other stuff will go to someone else besides her. Even though Tom has told her repeatedly that she is his sole beneficiary. So in order to firm up in her mind that the family won't try to step in and take what is hers she came up with this idea of an engagement.
Now I am really sitting there with my mind blown. I am thinking WTF. How did she even get Tom to go along with this? Did Tom even know she was going to do this? How could she not be honest with me when I am pretty much the only one in the family who really is close to her? I mean hell I have spent many days and nights with her.
The daughter then makes me promise not to say anything to anyone. Then Diane walks over after my next 1/2 glass of wine and says Melissa told me she told you. I just looked at her because I didn't know what to say. She then proceeds to tell me not to tell anyone anything at all at which point we are interrupted by a group of people and I hadn't said one word to her about it. Honestly I had no idea what to say. I mean that is a big ummm ruse to pull over on an entire family at a Christmas party.
A couple of hours go by and I am sitting on the floor talking to the honey's nephew's girlfriend Bailey. I see Diane and Melissa on the other side of the hallway and hear Diane say to Melissa that she had asked Tom what he thought about what was going on and wiggled her ring at him and he said well maybe we will have to make it happen. At which point Melissa gets all freaking giggly and happy and starts hugging Diane and telling her this is the greatest news ever and she will help pay for it. Then they walked off.
So here I am now in a very strange position. Everyone including the honey thinks Tom and Diane are engaged. Everyone but me who knows the truth. (although I am curious if Tom knew she was going to do that because let me tell you he is not the type to do that.)
So here it is days later and I am still confused. I mean really I could maybe understand doing that to your friends but your family?

ACK

2010-12-17T13:16:00.000-08:00

Between being horribly sick and trying my darndest to catch up with all Christmas stuff I haven't been on here in a while. I read you guys but then rush back to buying, wrapping, job hunting, hacking, cooking and cleaning. I am happy to say I am almost done with Christmas shopping. I have 4 more gifts to get and I am done.
I haven't baked one single cookie though. I haven't sent out Christmas cards either. So even after being busy as hell I am still failing lol.
I just finished boiling 3 dozen eggs for the deviled eggs I need to make for a party tomorrow night. I need to pick up yet another shrimp platter for that same party and wrap two gifts for the gift exchange.
I did buy myself a nice pink sweater for it though. Totally cheap. Cause... yes I am broke lol Thank goodness the honey gave me some money for gifts!
On the 23rd I will be going to grandmas. I have to cook. That house is going to be packed!! I am a bit worried that the turkey she bought is going to be to small. We had extras say they were coming AFTER we bought the turkey. I should be home on the 27th. I will be in the casino gambling with other peoples money on my birthday though WOOT!!!
Ok. I have to go wash out the giant ice chest because the honey's brother is coming to pick it up for the party tomorrow. Which reminds me I need to get the beer out of my truck and stick it in there also.
Talk soon I hope :)

Tonight I am doing something I never thought possible

2010-12-07T12:11:00.000-08:00

Tonight I am going to see the Wall Live!!!!! See growing up there has been one constant in my life and that was my love for the band Pink Floyd. When I was younger I painted pictures from the wall and put them up in my room. Almost every phase of my life has their music as a backdrop. I have seen them live and I have seen them live broken up. I have seen Roger Waters. But I have never seen the wall. I never thought it would be something I could see since the original production was a extravagant money pit and only performed at 4 cities in the states.
But tonight.... tonight I am going to go see Roger Waters perform the wall live. It is going to be a full scale visual fantasy for me. He is actually going to build the wall. Build it and destroy it. WOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOOK!

I haven't looked at to many videos but I have peeked at a enough to know that tonight everything I hoped for in this concert is going to happen.
I just wish my sickness was all the way gone. I figure my stuffed up ears won't matter since it is going to be loud lol.

Something interesting I found

2010-12-02T12:34:00.000-08:00

I want you to watch this. It is funny. It is haunting. The first minute and a half blow me away for some reason. I can't stop watching it.

See what I mean?

Anywhoooo... still sick but feeling a tad bit better. Talk to you all soon.

UGH sick

2010-11-30T10:25:00.001-08:00

I have been sick for days now. I wanted to let you all know I haven't died or anything like that. Just progressively getting worse sick wise.
Day one was the shivers and freezing to death (fever)
Day two was aches and sleeping all day long along with day one stuff
Day three was the beginning of a snot factory in my nose along with day one and two stuff.
Day four... wow is it only day four... add in sore throat and stuffy ears to all the other symptoms.
This sucks. I have taken so much medicine I can't remember stuff like if I put water in the Christmas tree or not.
I am going to take my stuffed up stupid nose and check if I have to go check in for Jury duty because of course I have it this week.
*sprays Lysol all over post so people don't get sick like me

Zooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmm

2010-11-24T10:09:00.001-08:00

That is what this year is doing. My god is it going fast! Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I haven't posted on my blog for over a week. Soon Christmas will be here. And I still have no job.
I figure that won't happen until after Christmas anyway so no stressing about it. Lord knows I am going to stress about Christmas, Thanksgiving and gift giving and shopping so I don't need to add anymore.
Day before yesterday I bought some new cleaner to clean my shower. We have hard water and a thick film of white that will not go away. I have used comet, vinegar, 409, scrubbing bubbles. Pretty much everything. Well someone mentioned Kaboom. How it was a wonder worker. I thought ok. fine. Nothing else makes a damn dent in that white soap scum/hard water mixture I will try it. So I bought some.
And I used it. I sprayed and sprayed and waited the time I was suppose to. Then armed with my bucket of hot water and a sponge I started scrubbing. My eyes were stinging. I could feel my throat and nose getting coated with that chemical smell/taste. And the damn shit didn't work. I felt like crying. I walked around with that stupid burnt feeling in my mouth and nose all day.
That night I went to bed and at 1:30 am I woke up feeling horrible. I spent until 3:45 am running back and forth to the bathroom feeling like I was going to throw up. I never did. Although I had a few drool fests lol.
The next day I still felt horrible. I totally was having some reaction to the stupid cleaner. Today though... much better!
Needless to say that cleaner is going into the garbage. I am not in the mood for another night of staring into my toilet bowl. Which I need to clean blick.

We made the decision to go to the honey's nephews for Thanksgiving. I asked them what I should bring and they told me a shrimp cocktail platter.
What? Seriously?
They totally gave me something that I have no idea how to make. Had no idea people ate this for Thanksgiving. I ordered one over the phone from Safeway. I thought I was good. I had told the lady what I wanted. Told her how many people. Blah blah blah.
Then the honey notched up the fear factor. Are you sure you are getting the prawns and not those tiny shrimp? (ummm no I was assuming)
How many shrimp per person is that? (ummm I didn't ask that)
Exactly how big is the platter? (ummm I have no idea I told her what I wanted)
So today I need to haul my ass over to Safeway and talk face to face with the seafood lady. Why the hell couldn't they have asked me to bring something like deviled eggs!
Well, I have to go to the store. Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.

The new hair and Walking dead.

2010-11-15T15:19:00.001-08:00

So without any further blah blah blah... here is my new hair.

The first time I dyed it I looked just like the cat I am holding.
And no I am not so spread out on the bottom as I look in that picture I am actually sitting on a fence. I should have cut that part off lol.
It was a shock to have such dark hair the first two days. But now I like it a lot!

Are you watching The Walking Dead? Well are you? If you aren't you are missing out on a seriously excellent show.

Here are a few of my thoughts about this episode lol
I think they are in trouble with Merle. He is not going to be a happy camper that he had to cut off his own hand. I don't think the fact that they tried to go save him is going to change that in any way either. His brother is a loose cannon too.

The whole scene where Rick is reunited with his family was nice. Shane is going to have issues with this farther down the road. He is the alpha male of the group and his position is about to change. He is going to lose his kingdom, his makeshift family and anything else that he thought he had to Rick. Somehow I don't think he is going to take that well in the future.

I can totally understand him telling Laurie that Rick was dead. He goes to the hospital and it is overrun with zombies (why in the hell are they calling them geeks?) He knows that Rick was in a coma. I probably would have assumed he died in there too.

The "campers" need a better defense then cans on a string to alert them to zombie attack. They have picked a ok area but man they need to start thinking defensible space. They need to clear a larger area. They need to plan out multiple escape routes. They need to start carving weapons. They are sitting ducks right now. They need foraging teams. People they would send in small groups of maybe three at a time, to go gather supplies they needed like the radiator hose. They should be collecting all the canned food they can.
They know Atlanta is overrun. But there will be random houses here and there. Instead they are just sitting and waiting to run out of food.
They need to stop driving to get water. Walk. Quiet is key here.
The women need to be trained to kill. There is no way in hell I am going to just sit there washing clothes when my life is on the line.
They need to learn to kill silently. The cut off the head/shoot it with a arrow through the brain was nice and tidy... minus all the noise they made in trying to kill him.
They just don't seem to care about the fluids that are flying around either. Watch out people or you will find yourself infected.

The hair dye disaster

2010-11-12T16:11:00.000-08:00

Oh boy was it ever a disaster. See, I had these two strips of grey that didn't bother me then really bothered me. So today I bought some hair dye. Medium brown. Well..... I ended up a calico.

My hair was completely and totally screwed up. Bad. BAD BAD BAD. It was red and brown and blond and stupid looking.
So I ran and bought some new hair dye to fix it.
Tomorrow Sazy is going to take a picture and I will show you what happened next.
Let's just say in my lifetime I have NEVER had this dark of hair.
Holy Crap.

What to do?

2010-11-10T12:04:00.001-08:00

I am having a bit of a mental dilemma regarding Thanksgiving. Do I go to grandmas like normal or do I stay home and go to the honey's nephews.
I know what I want to to which is go to grandma's but honestly I want to be fair too. The honey would like to go duck hunting for the first time this season the Saturday after. He has worked every Saturday so this would be his first opportunity to do one of his favorite things and he actually really deserves to be able to go. He is working so damn hard. He is leaving the choice up to me.

So here are the choices.

Drive up to grandmas after the honey gets off work on Wednesday. A 3 1/2 hour trip one one.
See grandma has slowly but surely handed over the cooking to me. I am the holiday cook. My entire family on that side comes over and we feast. We talk and play card games. This year one of my cousins is actually going to deep fry a turkey so I wouldn't have to cook that. I am not sure who would do the rest of the cooking if it wasn't me.
I would want to stay and go see the Harry Potter movie with my grandmother since it is kind of a tradition also. But I would feel the need to leave the day after Thanksgiving in order to give the honey the opportunity to go duck hunting. So that would mean no movie.

The other choice is staying home and going to Thanksgiving at his nephews house. This is the first time they have ever done a holiday gathering. This is our first invitation to something like this from them. The honey doesn't spend a lot of time with his side of the family so this would be nice for him. He would also be able to go duck hunting that Saturday and possibly that Friday too. Something he really wants to do. It would also mean he didn't have to drive 3 1/2 hours after work and then 3 1/2 hours home the day before hunting.

My inner want is grandma. But like I said I want to be fair. I also don't want us to separate this Thanksgiving because it really looks like that might happen on Christmas. The decision should be easy. Let the honey stay home so he can have some much needed down time from his job. He has been working weekends for months now. I feel selfish for wanting to spend time with my family. I am completely torn. HELP!

The Walking Dead and me

2010-11-08T12:49:00.000-08:00

Are you guys watching this new series? It just started last week. This show is excellent. Here is the website. You can watch the first episode online.
http://www.amctv.com/originals/The-Walking-Dead/
The second episode should be up sometime soon.
I am a horror lover. I read and watch a ton of horror. So the first episode had to be good in order to keep my attention. The first 5 minutes almost had me turning it off but I am so damn glad I didn't. After that it was a no holds barred zombie lovefest. The writers did a excellent job of keeping my attention and building tension.
This is not for the faint of heart. Although the first show didn't have tons of zombies it brought us into that world. The second show more then made up for the seemingly small lack in the first show.
This is hands down my new favorite show on tv. WOOT ZOMBIES!!!!!
I cannot wait until next Sunday. :)

I know that it must be hard to try and make an original zombie show. After all how do you make something that has been around for years and years seem fresh. They are doing it by making it all about the characters. I am sooo happy I stumbled (HA!) on this show. I hope some of you are watching it too.

I haven't heard back from the job. Guess I didn't get invited to the second round of interviews. I hadn't realized how much I had wanted to hear back until I spiraled down into a blue funk.
But you know what. I give up. No really. I give up. I will continue to apply but I don't care anymore. If they call me good. But if they don't.. well screw it. I can't allow myself to get so damn depressed like that. It is horrible. So I don't care anymore. Yes I want a job. Yes I need a job. Yes I will continue to look hard for a job. But I am not allowing myself hope anymore. If I don't hope then I won't fall if I do. I am tired of falling.

Mood swings are oh so much fun

2010-11-04T10:16:00.000-07:00

Not!
I am driving myself crazy. I had a complete meltdown yesterday. One of those types where you lay in bed at night and wonder if you actually should be on some kind of medication. The honey keeps telling me I am depressed. Well hello! I know I am depressed.
How do I know this. Well lets take a look at a few signs shall we?
1. I never left the house without make up. Ever. If I did on a very very very rare occasion I would be mortified that someone might see me. Now? I can't remember the last time I put make up on. Well minus the interview I went on. I no longer care. Really who gives a flying fuck. Where do I go? And if I do go somewhere who cares.
This is NOT normal for me. I know this.
2. In this household I live with a germ guy. This means a shower in the morning and a shower at night. Every day. (sometimes more if he feels like it) I am suppose to follow suit. In fact I did. It didn't bother me. I liked it. Well that shower in the morning thing? Totally stopped on the days he goes to work. In fact it is a damn effort just to brush my hair some days.
3. Yesterday I noticed a patch of grey in my hair. About a half inch wide. Did I lose my mind like normal and run out to buy some hair dye? Nope. Would I have in the past? Yup, in fact as soon as I saw the first hint of returning grey I would have all ready had the dye in my hair.
4. A lot of my pants are capris. This means you shave your legs at least from the knee down in order to wear them right? Well... not anymore. In fact I am wearing some right now with my not combed hair and the hair on my legs is probably a 1/4 inch long. I don't care. I will go outside like this and not care. That is NOT normal.
5. I just can't seem to get interested in anything anymore. Things that normally interest me don't. I am just so tired. So freaking tired.

I really need to shake myself out of this funk. (and yes there is a much much longer list) I feel like some kind of damn pansy ass who can't handle her reality. I am from much stronger stock then that. My family would kick my ass if they could see me now. And I really don't care LOL Ahem.
Depression sucks. I want to shake myself and wake up. I can just imagine what fun I am with the honey.
A online friend of mine yesterday made the suggestion that I should go volunteer somewhere. That it will make me feel useful again. It was a really really nice and wonderful suggestion. But instead of making me feel like it was a really nice and wonderful suggestion I got defensive and semi irritated. Which is completely stupid and a totally non rational reaction to that statement. I felt like an asshole for my own feelings.
See mood swings. STUPID!!!!

anyhoooo... in other news the job I interviewed for.. still haven't heard anything. I even sent them a thank you note. oh well.

Halloween my way

2010-11-02T09:45:00.000-07:00

I thought I would share a couple pictures from Halloween. (and no I haven't heard from that job yet :( ) And yes you may need to click the pictures lol

No news yet and other random crap

2010-10-29T11:32:00.000-07:00

Well I haven't heard anything yet about the job. But they did say it would be one to two weeks. It is so hard to find a balance between hope and what tends to be reality lately.
You don't want to get your hopes up to far because after falling so many times it is not a good idea. So I just wait. With a little hope. Not to much but a little.

So my boobs are at the point where just putting on a bra hurts right? I go to Costco and they have those giant carts where the handle is exactly at boob height. I didn't see the 2x4 sticking out and the cart hit it and stopped causing me to smash my boobs on the handle. I actually cried four tears before I was able to get myself under control. It really sucked.

I had an absolute meltdown last night. It was a combo money/stress/no job/boo hoo pity party which I had absolutely no idea was going to happen. One minute I was chatting all la la la la and then my voice cracked and tears spit out my eyes. I threw my hand over my mouth pretty much in horror and embarrassment. Seriously I had no idea I was about to turn into some blubbering baby.
I have this fear of never finding a job, running out of money and having to be dependent on the honey. I DO NOT want that to happen. It is my own personal issue but there it is.
Growing up as a child I had to depend on others. Government cheese, welfare, food stamps and handouts. (although the giant blocks of cheese were damn yummy.... but then again maybe I was just hungry LMAO) As I got older I promised myself I would never ever be in that position again. I know it is not exactly the same thing but in my head it kind of feels like it. I don't want to be a charity case!!

My house is decorated totally Halloweeny. <--not a word and I don't care lol
I got giant spiders on the fence. Tombstones on the lawn with skeleton pieces. Stuff stuck on the windows. When Sazy comes over to watch Ghost Hunters live on Halloween I will have her take a picture for you guys.

Here is something that scares the crap out of me every time I hear it.

It makes the hair stand up on my neck and completely just changes my view of the world around me. I don't know what it is about that piece of music but it makes me shaky.

And here is my favorite horror movie "monster" of all time.

He had a way of getting under my skin.

Well I have to go make some yummy meatballs and then read some blogs I am behind on. Talk to you all later

Interview went well

2010-10-26T16:15:00.000-07:00

So I got in there early (I like to arrive 10 minutes early) and they took me right in. After all the chatting and discussing of the job and the duties all I could think was my god it is like they took everything I like to do and turned it into my dream job. I mean seriously the job sounds awsome. Everything they want I can do. Everything they needed I was trained in. It was like a neon sign blinked Jody's Job Jody's job.
Now we can only hope the other 9 people in the first round of interviews suck and they call me back for a second interview within the next two weeks.

Yes they are interviewing a minimum of 10 people in the first round. Sigh

I will be bummed if I don't at least get a second interview lol

Today is my interview

2010-10-25T09:32:00.000-07:00

This morning I got a call from the place I am interviewing at to verify my interview and probably completely blew it but I told her I had to admit something completely embarrassing and that I looked everywhere and couldn't find the ad.

So she sent it to me. ummm... WTF was I thinking. I don't have quite a bit of these skills.
Office manager/ Bookkeeper needed for small office in Morgan Hill.
Ideal candidate will have 3-5 years of bookkeeping & customer service experience. Requires the skill to multi-task, prioritize and work independently. Excellent verbal and written communication skills are a must. Advanced knowledge of Microsoft Office applications and Quickbooks are necessary. Intermediate level IT skills helpful for managing computer hardware & software including high end printers and networked environment. Must be fast learner with the ability to handle all aspects of office management from clerical /receptionist duties to Accounts Payable and Receivables including supporting Company Executives with project based work with minimal direction or supervision.
Pay depending on experience, no benefits available at this time.
Ok so I have a bit of the stuff. Just no IT and very light quickbooks. When I say I have no IT I mean it. I can plug something in and maybe add software to it but that is the extent of my IT knowledge LOL. Quickbooks I have used maybe twice in my life. It is a fairly easy system that I know I could learn incredibly quickly but still. WTF was I thinking!!
But at least I am not going in blind anymore!
And hopefully they won't mind that I had to ask what the job was. Everything else is cake. I can do it.
So instead of being nervous that I don't have any idea what I am going to an interview for I am nervous about the lack of skills I have for two portions of the job.
Anywhooooo I go today at 4pm. Wish me luck.....

Interview on Monday

2010-10-21T12:01:00.000-07:00

First off... WOOT!!!!

I am super excited that I finally have a interview. After setting up the time (four), getting the company name and phone number we got off the phone.

Now the problem.....
She told me that I sent her my resume from Craigslist. Which is fine I have sent what seems like millions... but there in lies the problem.
I have sent in a million. I looked all over craigslist for the one ad it could have been. I can't find it.

That means I have no idea what I applied for. I have no idea if it is part time or full time. I have no idea what the hell I am going to be doing. I have to go to this interview fully blind.

ACK!!!!!!!

I am having a bit of panic over this.
I hope I can pull this off. I don't know how long ago I sent in the resume. Was it days? Weeks? a month ago?
Obviously I must have the skills they are looking for but my skills are so wide and varied that that doesn't give me a single clue as to what the job is for.
ACK ACK ACK!!!!

Deep breath..... whew....

Anywhoooooo...I have to go put up some tombstones outside :)

The chainsaw versus the telephone/internet line

2010-10-20T10:22:00.000-07:00

Can you guess which one won?
The honey got the great idea to trim the outside tree. We do it once a year. Trim that sucker down to the nubs. I guess it is to keep it smaller. And it helps with the hundred thousand leaves it drops. Well this year he had bought a brand spanking new chainsaw on a stick.
You should have seen him all happy outside. No ladder. Just chopping away at the limbs as I stacked them up.
Then.....
SNAP
I watched the wire cut in half. Part of it heading back to the pole and the other heading to the house.
"Um.... what was that wire for?"
"Don't worry about it."
"No really. What was that wire for? Am I going to be electrocuted standing here on the wet grass?"
"It was the phone/internet line. No big deal and no you won't be electrocuted."
"Ok good."
I grabbed another set of branches to move in the pile and then it hit me. I don't have the internet anymore.
"Um.... can you fix that?"
"No, you are going to have to call to get it fixed. But I don't want to pay for it so say a branch fell on it."
I turned around to go in the house and call.
"Where in the heck are you going?"
"I am going to go call!"
"You don't need to call right now. We aren't done."

In my head I am thinking oh hell yes I have to call. RIGHT NOW! I don't have internet! How long is it going to take them to fix it. And buddy you are so freaking gonna pay for it to be fixed if it costs something.
But like a good little girl I continued to stack the branches until he decided it was getting to dark to finish.
It was at this point I ran into the house coated in wood chips and crunched up leaves. I sat down at the computer and started to type in the information to get the phone number I needed to fix the internet when I realized I can't use the internet. UGH. So I grabbed the phone book and then grabbed the phone. At which point I remember I can't used the damn phone either!
So I get my cell and call in a repair ticket. I am surprised I didn't whine/cry/yell at them to hurry up and fix me.
Well I now have my internet back. I watched a lot of shows that I had on my dvr during my down time and I read two books LOL
What is new with you?

I have a new member of my family

2010-10-15T13:24:00.000-07:00

Meet my new niece Sophia

Isn't she freaking cute!!!
I have to admit to a great giant amount of envy. I wish wish wish I could have had children.

Random Ramblings

2010-10-13T13:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I lost it a bit as you can tell. It happens. Everything is fine then BAM I lose it. It really rather sucks by the way.
But good came out of it. One of the bloggers I follow and who follows me offered me a bit of help. She offered to look over my resume. I went through a whole range of emotions from being weirded out that someone might think my resume sucked big time to hope that it would help. So off I sent my resume to Aunt of 14
As soon as I hit send my stomach started to hurt. What if she thought my resume was a piece of shit. I had pride in that stupid thing. I worked hard at it.
But I didn't need to worry. She sent me a email back letting me know that it wasn't awful. She even shared with me hers. Then she went above and beyond and actually turned my two page resume into a one page masterpiece. It had everything that I had only better. She had no idea how long and how hard I had tried to make it into one page. Or how I had finally given up on doing it.
I cannot say thank you enough for that. And for the mental boost knowing I hadn't been sending out a piece of crap.
It amazes me how random strangers help each other. I only hope at some point in the future I will come across something I can do to pay it forward.

Are you guys watching the miner rescues? I can't stop watching. It is heartwarming and wonderful. Add in a bit of personal drama like the miner who had a wife and a mistress that had no idea about each other and it has been great tv. I can't imagine how horrible it had been. I can't imagine how excited they must be as they wait for their turn. I can't imagine being in that tiny capsule.
Their lives are going to be so different. I can't imagine going through that and not becoming a different person on the inside. I am so happy for them.

Yesterday I went to the store and picked up some food for two meals. Hot dogs and a enchilada casserole. It turned out to be boiling hot so I decided to cook the hot dogs...... then I got a phone call from the honey.
It went like this.....

Him: what are you making for dinner?
Me: I got hot dogs and mac and cheese. It is hot so I wanted a light cooking day.
him- I don't want that.
me... um ok I also got stuff to make a chicken enchilada casserole would you rather have that?
him- No. How about tuna fish sandwiches.
me. Fine
him- with lettuce and tomato
me- let me check. Nope we don't have any of those.
him... silence
Me.... I already went to the store once today I am not going again.
him- Fine I will just starve then....
Me. OK

I have to admit that conversation pissed me off. And again today he doesn't want either of those. He knows I am on a budget. I explained to him that I can't buy food and not have him eat it. But still he insisted on something else.
I need to have a sit down with him and explain that he no longer has a choice in what I cook. That he can either eat what I made or go get himself something else. I can't cater to him right now. I can't waste stuff I buy. In fact I had asked him why he didn't want the hot dogs and he told me that he ate them last month and he doesn't want to get burnt out on them. WTF

I grew my first pumpkin :) It is cute and orange and I am all proud of it lol.

Well I need to get back to watching the miners. Talk to you all soon.

Please excuse this rant

2010-10-12T12:19:00.000-07:00

But I am just so damn frustrated with this job search. I am so damn tired of looking for work every single day and never hearing anything back from anyone. I am so tired of hearing the honey say things like "if you had a job we could do this or that" "If you had a job we could buy another piece of property" "Are you sure you are looking for a job"
Well you know what I don't have a damn job. I can't find a damn job. And yes damn it I am looking for a freaking job!
I am flat out discouraged right now.
I have been out of work since the last week of July of LAST YEAR. I can't even get the dang entry level jobs I apply for. I can't even get freaking interviews. Or even a stupid letter saying "Sorry."
I feel like I am at my wits end here. My moods go up and down like crazy. One day I am fine and search away. The next day I sit there with my head in my hand as I scroll through all the job postings knowing that I will not get any job I apply for. But I still apply.
I am TIRED of applying. I am tired of not working. I am tired of the looks I get when people act all freaking surprised and horrified that I STILL don't have a job. Hell people put yourself in my shoes. You think I freaking am enjoying this. You think I like that every penny has to be accounted for. That just paying my bills and buying groceries take every bit of my unemployment and then some. You think I like watching that savings go down down down knowing that pretty freaking soon there won't be a savings anymore.
Even the damn grocery store won't hire me.
I swear to god I like to work. That I will do a good job. But it just seems no one will give me a chance.
I know that thousands and thousands of people are in my shoes. I know that just here in the Bay Area I am pretty much the bottom of the pack because I do not have a degree. Hell the job postings right now are asking for a freaking degree for a receptionist position.
I feel like pulling my hair out. I feel like less of a person. I feel like a damn failure. I hate this HATE HATE HATE this.
I just want my life back. My normal life where I go to work. Have money to pay the bills. Have a little extra to do fun stuff if I want to. I want to be able to buy that chicken costume for Halloween. I want to be normal again. I want to stop having to do math in my head in regards to groceries or any other purchase. I want to not have to look at my bank account every day. I want to stop being frightened.
I just want a damn job.
I want to stop being ruled by my emotions. I am tired of being depressed. I am tired of feeling like a damn charity case. Yes, unemployment makes me feel like a charity case while at the same time I thank god that I actually have it.
I am tired of looking at the dollar amount left and worrying about what I am going to do when in 6 checks I run out.
I am tired of sitting at home. I am tired of cooking and cleaning.
I am just tired of everything.
I just want a job. Is that so hard. I just want people to look at me like I am not a charity case. I want them to stop wondering what is wrong with me that I can't find work.
I just want my life back. :(

The inflatable gargoyle

2010-10-11T10:27:00.001-07:00

Last weekend I went with the honey to Lowe's. As we were walking around I saw this.

I fell in love. The head moved from side to side. The thing was huge and it was cheap. I told the honey I wanted it and he just laughed. But I knew if I worked on him long enough he would end up getting it for me the next weekend. I am kind of spoiled that way LMAO!!!
So after we went home I started working. Ok I kept talking about how much I loved it. How cute it would look in our yard. How small of a space it would take up since it is inflatable. After three days of talk talk talk he said he would think about it which in our house means FINE just Shut up and we will get it next weekend.
(By the way this works both ways. He tends to get what he wants too)
The neighbor showed up on Thursday. She likes to bring over her son who is two. I guess for adult interaction lol. As we sat in my living room I told her (ok I gushed) about how excited I was about getting the gargoyle. I went into great detail about it's glowing eyes and moving head. I told her how cheap it was and how I couldn't believe that because normally things cost a whole hell of a lot more then that. And I told her I couldn't wait to go back to Lowe's to get it this weekend.
I must have sounded a bit like a crazy person but look at it!!
Friday night a group of neighbors ended up outside chatting. It was me, my next door neighbor, the neighbor with her son and husband and the across the street neighbor. We were talking about the house the across the street neighbors just purchased and how she was going to move but her husband was going to stay until he retired. The other neighbors husband picks up their son and says "We better get going if we are going to get that gargoyle you want from Lowe's"
My mouth dropped. I had one of those moments where you swear there was no way you were hearing what was actually being said.
She says to her husband, "well we have to go to babyland too. We need to get the riding toy."
He says "Well we can't get both. Do you want the riding toy or that gargoyle you have been talking about"
She says " The gargoyle"
And off they go to get ready to leave.
Now this woman had no idea about this gargoyle before I gushed about it. She never told me she was going to get one. She knew I was going on Sunday to buy it for myself. But here it was Friday and she is getting ready to go get it for herself.
She knew how much I wanted it. She should know it will look stupid with two giant gargoyles two houses apart.
Her husband would think I was some kind of copy cat if I put one up.
UGH!!!!!!!!
I have to admit to feeling incredibly irritated and somewhat weirded out.
Why would she do something like that?
Or
Am I just being overly sensitive? I mean she can buy what ever she wants right?

I still don't know if she has it or not. In fact I am not even sure I want to ask her. It really bothers me. The honey said it was rude of her but I am not sure if he was just petting me on the head to make me feel better or what.
So Sunday passed without me getting my gargoyle. I have to admit to being a tad bit sad about that.

The house is just not going to clean itself

2010-10-08T10:55:00.000-07:00

You know when I first got laid off I cleaned my little heiny off. Everything sparkled. Everything shined. After all I was used to working for 8 hours a day, coming home tired and cleaning on the weekend.
I washed and waxed and scrubbed. It smelled wonderful in here.
Now... it has been over a year and I still do not have a damn job. Along with all the mental crap that goes with that my house is in failure mode too.
Yes... I see those tumbleweeds. YES... I see the cat hair. YES... I see that drool mark left by the dog eating it's cookie. But I just don't seem to really give a damn anymore.
I mean why should I. I will be home tomorrow and the day after and the day after and the day after that to clean. What is the big dang hurry anymore.

Horrible attitude I know but it is where I am.

It was kind of fun the first few months not working. But after that it just became boring. The only "people" I have to talk to all day are my pets and the ones that live in my computer. I find myself talking out loud at the computer. I find myself asking the cats how their day is going lol.
It might be different if I had kids but I don't.
I am just bored out of my freaking mind lol.

I found myself asking people at retail stores yesterday how much money they make an hour. I haven't done retail for a thousand years and it would obviously mean a HUGE HUGE paycut but at least I would be out of the house! The thing is I would need to make more then my minuscule unemployment for it to even be worth it and most retail places would pay me less then unemployment...however, it might be worth the human contact.

I have got to get my mood switched about the house though. It doesn't take long to clean. I just don't have the gumption to get up and do it. I would rather play Frontierville on Facebook :(

The last few days have been a flurry of switching dish providers. The honey went to watch Son's of Anarchy the other night and found that Dish Network had turned off that channel due to a contract dispute. He lost his mind. He ranted and raved and was just plain old pissed off. Within two days we now have Directv. I will say the ability to tape a show in the bedroom yet watch it in the living room is pretty darn cool. Other then that I don't really see any difference besides the giant ass new dish on the opposite side of my house.
See they couldn't put it where the old ones were. So as of right now we have three dishes on our house and look like we are trying to contact aliens. The two Dish dishes will be removed this weekend by the honey hopefully.

I guess I should go clean the house... .maybe I will read a new blog....clean something...read a blog.... clean something....UGH

Oh I forgot that today I linked up here

And any new visitors that I probably won't get anyway.... you should check out the pictures on my two San Francisco with Sazy posts.

The job I could never do.....

2010-10-07T10:13:00.000-07:00

I decided to try doing one of Mama Kat's writing prompts. (I will admit it is because it seems no one visits my blog anymore :( and I am hoping to find new readers. Pathetic right?)

So what is the job that I couldn't do? Construction. Look at this picture.

I would die. No seriously. Before I ever even got that far I would have a heart attack and die.
Look at these!

See I can't even stand on this.....

Without feeling like my legs have turned to noodles. My body starts to shake and I break out in a full sweat.
I can't tell you how embarrassing this is to me. There was one time the honey lifted me up onto a beam in order to move a box for him. The problem was once I was up there I froze. Full on froze with my hands like claws. He literally had to peel my hands off in order to get me down. I couldn't even let go I was so terrified.
I have great respect for those workers. I also think they are idiots... but that is just my fear talking. Those guys should be paid a bunch!!!

San Francisco with Sazy part 2

2010-10-06T16:16:00.000-07:00

After our trip to the ruins we decided to do a little driving around. First stop was Lombard Street. (again you will need to click the pictures) Sorry!!!

The financial district

and then the Castro district. We took pictures out of a moving car.

I fell in love with this sign (click picture)

Did you know in the Castro men actually walk around completely naked? I had no freaking idea. And I have no idea how they do not get in trouble for it either.

We had a great time and I can't wait for our next road trip lol.

Things are a little crazy here right now. but more on that later.

San Francisco With Sazy. Part one.

2010-10-04T10:51:00.000-07:00

Before I left on my camping trip (and posted a totally misspelled blog lol) I spent the day with Sazy in San Francisco.
I only live about 45 minutes to an hour from San Francisco but it really isn't somewhere I visit. However, on facebook a friend of mine who was visiting the bay area from out of town posted pictures of a set of ruins that neither Sazy or I knew existed. Well of course we had to go!!!
Since the honey was off hunting we had all the time in the world to visit. We hopped in the car and drove up...errr... down...no I think it is up to San Francisco. We stopped at a nice Pho place and had a yummy lunch and then headed off to the ruins of the Sutro Baths.
(little wikipedia here)
In March 14, 1896 the Sutro Baths were opened to the public as the world's largest indoor swimming pool establishment. The Baths were built on the sleepy western side of San Francisco by wealthy entrepreneur and former mayor of San Francisco (1894–1896), Adolph Sutro. The vast glass, iron, wood, and reinforced concrete structure was mostly hidden, and filled a small beach inlet below the Cliff House, also owned by Adolph Sutro at the time. Both the Cliff House and the former Baths site are now a part of the Golden Gate National Recreation Area and operated by the United States National Park Service.

A visitor to the Baths not only had a choice of 7 different swimming pools—one fresh water and six salt water baths ranging in temperatures—but could also visit a museum displaying Sutro's large and varied personal collection of artifacts from his travels, a concert hall, seating for 8,000, and, at one time, an ice skating rink. During high tides, water would flow directly into the pools from the nearby ocean, recycling the 2 million US gallons (7,600 m³) of water in about an hour. During low tides, a powerful turbine water pump, built inside a cave at sea level, could be switched on from a control room and could fill the tanks at a rate of 6,000 US gallons a minute (380 L/s), recycling all the water in five hours.

Well now it is a ruins. Since Sazy and I have a fascination with all things old.... we had to go.
In order to get there though we had to walk down an incredibly steep hill. But the view... my God what a beautiful view!
(Trust me on this people... You MUST click the pictures to get the full effect. YOU MUST. Trust me!!! This will be really important in later pictures.)

The first thing I had to do when I finally got down to the ruins was crawl through this little hole and explore.

The only way into this part of the ruins was the little windows cut out of the stone.

After getting out of the ruins, which was a lot harder then getting in by the way, we headed towards a cave we saw in the side of the mountain.

Stepping into that cave was like stepping into air conditioning. It was sweet bliss after being outside in the heat. As we walked further the tone of the cave changed and you could hear booming and crashing. Turns out there was a place directly in the middle where the water rushed in and out.

The other end of the cave ended in a jumble of rocks and crashing surf.

After walking back through the cave we decided it was time to walk across the top of the ruins to the beach.
Except....I had a problem. A huge monster problem.
I totally thought I would be able to walk across since the pathways were about 2 1/2 to 3 feet wide. But I couldn't.
See I am deathly afraid of heights. DEATHLY! I can't even stand on a chair without being scared out of my mind. I am not sure what the hell made me think I would be able to walk across those ruin tops. It might have been the baby stroller. (yup I will wait while you scroll back up and see what the hell I am talking about.)
But the drop off on both sides was anywhere from 4 feet to 9 feet. I literally took three steps and completely stopped dead. My legs started to shake. My body froze up. I was 100% terrified. I looked at Sazy walking along and felt like a complete ass. I couldn't do it.
Sazy was great about it. Didn't tease me at all. Instead we just started walking AROUND the ruins through a marsh. At one point we came across a blue heron that both of us stared at for quite a while wondering if it was real. Only because the damn thing never moved. It seemed like even it's feathers didn't move in the breeze. Finally it moved its head.

When we finally reached the beach it was a relief. I had to go put my dirty black marsh covered feet in the water.

The view of the ruins was beautiful.

We stopped for a while to admire the ocean.

(here is where it gets REALLY important to click on the pictures lol)
We had a tiny giggle over this mans suit. (obviously you need to click)

As we were sitting there we saw this woman who was sunbathing topless. She had the most perfect ass in this little tiny suit. (seriously click this)

A woman and her husband walked by and her husband stared pretty damn hard at the perfect ass as they walked by. She whacked him good on the arm as they walked farther down the beach.
It was at this time that the woman got up to talk on the phone....only it wasn't a woman.

Sazy and I had a pretty good laugh at our mistake.
Then the woman who had smacked her husband got a gander at the fact that the "woman" was actually a man and had a good laugh at herself. The husband looked horrified LMAO!!!
Doesn't this man have the perfect behind? (Seriously click)

Sazy and I had a long ass hike back up to the truck. I think we both were about dead when we reached it.
I still am pissed off at myself that I could not walk on those ruins. It made me feel stupid that my body.. or is it my mind... had more control over myself then I did. It is embarrassing.
Look for part two tomorrow. I need to finish unpacking.

Impromtu camping trip

2010-09-26T19:07:00.000-07:00

I will be back around Wednesday of next week!!!

SORRY!!!

Things I would do if I was single

2010-09-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

Being in a long term relationship means compromise. Little things and big things. But you decide it will be worth it in the long run. But that doesn't mean after 20 years of dating the same man I don't have this woman inside of me that screams from time to time.
Sometimes you begin to wonder if you have compromised to much. If you have lost yourself.
Sometimes that woman inside you makes you feel as though your skin is to tight and your sanity is not quite right. She whispers about all the things you are missing out on. Things you normally don't miss but with that bitchy you bitching at you, you begin to wonder.

So... Here is an ode to that damn screaming woman inside of me.

If I were single I would....

Burn scented candles in the house. Hell I would even burn incense. This is something I can't do because the honey has asthma. I miss the scents flowing through my house. The calming of Lavender. The brightness of melon.

Get a second tattoo. In fact I all ready know exactly what it would be. In fact I have known for years what it would be. But... the honey hates them. HATES them. In fact he wanted me to get rid of the one I have. Sorry.

Get another kitten. I know I have a lot of cats now but they are all getting pretty up there in age. And the fact that they are all around the same age freaks me out a bit. That means they will all generally probably go around the same time. Having a younger one would mean I would have a companion that will be around longer.

Stay somewhere unique by myself. It seems that every time I go somewhere I am either with someone, visiting someone or staying with someone. I would love to just be by myself for a day or two. With no one to meet or errands to do. Just wandering by myself. The honey is very ummm protective and feels that a woman alone is just asking for someone to hurt her. I can understand this from him. But that doesn't make it any easier on my mental state. Sometimes you just want to be alone.

Not cook. Maybe for a week. Live off sandwiches or fruit or chips and dip. Not have to make meals that include three things. Meat, veggies and starch. I honestly believe that if I wasn't dating the honey I would lose weight rapidly. I don't need to eat a full dinner. Sometimes I don't want one but he is hungry so I make it and eat it. I don't want to feel like I HAVE to cook. That is how I feel now.

Walk around the house naked. The honey is so sure that all the neighbors (or weirdos) are looking through the windows that are closed. So we MUST wear clothes in the house. There are times when I would just like to walk to the kitchen and grab something to drink without having to get dressed.

Stay up late late late. Doing what ever I want. See the honey gets up at oh dark thirty to go to work. Then he comes home and wants to go to bed early. Well that would be fine except he has this weird thing. He can't go to sleep unless I am in the bed. That means I have to go to bed early. There are times I hate this. I would love to be able to play on the internet or watch movies or what ever I want to do until late. If he falls asleep while I am watching tv I can watch for as long as I want unless he wakes up. Then it is lights out and tv off. I can't tell you the number of times I have laid there staring at the ceiling.

Go to sleep in a messy bed. For some reason he can't sleep unless the bed is made. I long to just climb in that messy bed without having to make it first.

Eat fast food for dinner. The only time I can eat fast food is if I am with Sazy or by myself. The honey does not eat fast food but VERY rarely. I find myself thinking wouldn't it be nice if I could just eat a hamburger for dinner that I didn't have to cook myself.

There are so many more things that I may tell you at a later date. But... gotta go clean my shower. OH JOY

Just because I am a woman doesn't mean I am Martha Stewart

2010-09-17T14:43:00.000-07:00

Seriously! Personally I would like to kick Martha Stewart's ass for being herself. For making people think that we should all be like her.
Hold down a job. Make our own wrapping paper. Cook like a dream. Have a perfect house.
Hello!!!! I am a real girl not a machine.
I don't have servants. I don't have the money she has. I AM NOT PERFECT.
I don't want to do this like my newest woman's day magazine wants me to.....

First off I hate candy corns. Secondly who the hell has time to glue all those nasty things into a wreath.
And the things they want me to make for fall. Come on! Seriously WTF

That looks fun to make right? Sure, let me run out and buy myself a pumpkin. NOT
My table will never look like this.

And because it will never look like that in some peoples eyes I will have failed at being a woman.
My food will never look like this.

or this

But you know what? It may not be pretty but it is going to taste damn good.
My house will never look like this....

But it is a home. A home where you aren't scared to put your feet up or set a glass down or hell even walk across the carpet.
This doesn't mean I have failed as a woman. It doesn't mean I am not perfect as I am. (far from perfect but that is a whole other post lol)
I am not Martha Stewart. I will never be Martha Stewart. My magazines will not turn me into her either. I am a woman who is unique, quirky and a little off. So I can't grab some leaves and a pumpkin and whip out a centerpiece. I don't want to. I would rather read a good horror novel!

The gold bug mine pictures

2010-09-16T14:36:00.000-07:00

I have been promising and promising pictures of Sazy and my vacation. Well here is the gold bug mine portion. Remember to click the pictures to get the full view.
First off we couldn't believe that they let us go inside by ourselves. If you have read my blog for a while you know we get into trouble when we are by ourselves. We touched everything there was to touch. In fact we touched so dang much that when we came out our hands were black as soot. We got in trouble when we asked what was on our hands. That didn't stop us from giggling over it for the rest of the day.
We were over 121 feet underground. It was wonderful and cool inside. We then gold panned and got nothing but some bratty kids that followed us around for awhile.

I don't know what is going on with me

2010-09-15T10:28:00.000-07:00

I just can't seem to get in the groove to do anything including blogging. I guess I didn't get the job. I had left them a message and never heard anything so oh well. I wonder if the hope then lack of hope has anything to do with my lack of interest in what seems to be everything.
It isn't just the blogging it is everything. I can see the dirt piling up in the corners of the house and I still only spot clean. I put the laundry into the dryer to dry then leave it there. Even my cooking is half assed. And I love to cook.
I need to snap out of this. It really is beginning to piss me off. This waffling back and forth between normal and not normal. I need to "man up".
It is really rather irritating to look at something you enjoy and care less.
Yesterday I had a burst of screw this you need to take care of stuff you are just letting sit. So I called and made a appointment for boob squishing that is several months overdue. I made a appointment for my itchy hands. I called in regards to my cobra which I found out is going to go from $137.55 per month to $393 per month in November. OUCH!!!!!
I applied for jobs like normal. I wish someone would pay me for applying lol.
I wrote a nasty letter to the cemetery due to the neglect of the 9-11 memorial I visit every year to place flowers. I actually got a call back from the manager saying he had went out and agreed with everything I said in my letter. We seem to be playing phone tag now.
Wow this post is all over the place isn't it?
That is how my mind is lately. Nothing smooth and flowing just unjointed and off.

Tonight survivor starts. WOOT. Love that damn show. And this time it is the old people versus the young people. Wanna know what is old? Over 40. UGH might as well start researching rest homes for myself now.
Anywhoooo gotta go get squished. Talk to you all soon I hope.

Still don't know if I have a job or not.

2010-09-07T19:12:00.000-07:00

I went to the interview (then it turned out to be over 103 degrees for a few days and I think I explained that I mentally shut off in heat like that so no posts... SORRY)AND the man was home for the labor day weekend so no computer time for me.

The interview went well except the payroll they would want me to do is union which means they would have to train me. In this economy I am sure there are a ton of people who are all ready trained in union payroll so I don't have high hopes. The job was 30 hours a week with a possibility of full time though. No idea about salary though.

They said they would let me know either way within a week to two weeks.

There is part of me that doesn't look forward to doing something other then estimating. Although I know deep down that it is going to be a long time until those types of jobs start up again.
There is a part of me that is so hopeful that they will pick me. There is another part of me who firmly believes that they won't pick me. Between the two of me I am a basket case LOL

And on to the next thing lol

I wanted to share a picture of me and my grandma at the location of the wedding in Tahoe.

Here is a picture of the bride walking towards the little tent they gave her to change into her wedding dress.

Notice anything odd? Like the fact that there are clear windows on the tent....that had no curtains inside to close. Notice all the people on the beach? Around the tent? WTF
The poor thing had to get undressed and dressed in there while a group of us stood with our backs to the windows. Unreal.
Here I am at the reception with my nephew Roy and his wife Crystal. Please do not mind the OMG HOW THE HELL MUCH CHAMPAGNE DID I DRINK look I am sporting ok?

I have a ton more pictures to post from my vacation but wanted to get started with these.

Little nervous here

2010-09-01T10:06:00.000-07:00

It feels like ages since I had to go to an interview. So here I am dressed for it 2 hours before. Getting ready to put on my make up and do my hair.
I can rock this interview. I know my stuff. It is just there is that big unknown. What is the salary and what are the hours?
I don't want to waste my time and his time. (Going anyway lol)
I can't work less then 24 hours at a fairly good salary.
See, got myself all worked up over something I don't know. I hate that about myself.

Ok... gotta finish getting ready.

*deep breath

Interview on Wednesday

2010-08-30T16:17:00.000-07:00

FINALLY another interview. I go on Wednesday at noon. I am confident that I have the skills needed for the job. The only issue is it is part time. I need to find out what hours and the pay scale to see if I would even be able to afford to take the job.
I need enough to pay my bills and my cobra. If it doesn't cover that I can't accept the job if offered.
I want to work more then 24 hours. I can't take a 8 hour a week job it just wouldn't be worth it.
So cross your fingers that I ace the interview and that it fits my needs!

I realized something yesterday

2010-08-27T10:06:00.000-07:00

As I applied to job number 8 for the day. I don't expect to get a job anymore. The number of jobs I am applying for has increased. Temporary agencies. Regular jobs. Retail jobs. I am applying to a minimum of 5 a day, mostly more, since I got back from vacation.
But yesterday it hit me. I honestly don't believe I am going to get a job. As I sent out my resume I felt nothing. I no longer check the answering machine as soon as I walk in the door anymore. I mean why bother? It is not like there is going to be a call on there. In fact yesterday I didn't remember about the answering machine until around 7pm.
Applying has just become something I do. Something that doesn't mean anything. No one is going to call me. Just like they haven't called me for the last year.
In over a year of applying I have had two interviews. One that led to that stupid three week job. Other then that... no phone calls. I can count on one hand the number of no thank you letters I have gotten.
My self esteem has taken a large hit.
It doesn't help the comments that you hear when someone asks if you have found work yet.
"You need to apply more"
"You don't have a job YET??"
"Your resume must be screwed up"
"You need to try to find a job in order to find a job"
"You just like staying home and getting paid for it"
"Aren't you even looking?"
"Try a temp agency/job board/networking" (like I haven't)
"Being on unemployment is like being on welfare. Once you get on it is easy to not try anymore. Don't you want a job?"
"You are not trying hard enough"
"Got a job yet?"
"Geez how long are you going to milk the system?"
Those are just a few. They hurt. But there is nothing more I can do to find a job. I look at all job sites daily including the temp agencies. I look at cities and county jobs. I look at company websites that are in my area. There are no jobs.
I don't expect to find one either.
It sucks.
So daily I will apply like it is a normal thing to do. Daily I will do what ever I do around the house while pretending that I will be hired some day. I hate this. :(

This almost made me pee my pants

2010-08-26T10:50:00.000-07:00

I had to share this with you. OMG I laughed my ass off. Look for another post later. Right now I am in the middle of cleaning the house.

TOOOOOOO HOT

2010-08-25T14:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday it was 106 on my back porch in the shade. Today it is 107. I don't have the energy to do anything at all.
I don't have air conditioning. Last night I opened all the windows in the house. Not that it did any good because at 9pm last night it was 91 degrees.
You don't want to do anything. You surely don't want to cook. Or clean. Hell you don't even want to move.
In fact I think it is time for another ice cold shower UGH

You know I have been trying to blog

2010-08-24T12:05:00.001-07:00

But then this happens and that happens and before I knew it a damn week had gone by. Unbelievable.
I have tons of pictures to share. Stories to tell. Fun to explain.... but.. instead today I will do this lol.

I will call it.... seriously though.. WTF

I like to read celebrity news. I do! It is like a nasty little secret I have. But lately.... the news has been irritating the hell out of me.

For example...
Lindsey Lohan. Can someone please explain to me how the hell this woman got out of jail so fast? 90 days my ass. The first time she only spent 84 freaking minutes in jail. This time 14 days. 14 DAYS! out of 90. WTF Seriously. Now she is about to be released from her 90 day rehab stay after only 3 weeks. WTF?
Would this happen if it were you or I? No freaking way. For some reason it flat out pisses me off.

And what the hell is up with the sex tapes people. How stupid are you to make sex tapes? Seriously. WTF. I can almost understand making one, watching it, then deleting it but saving them. Then publishing them. Or hell having someone else publish them. How mortifying. How absolutely screwed up is that. And the fact that people out there are salivating to watch these tapes of people who don't want them seen is just plain creepy. How can you watch that knowing that the person involved has no say that they are released? Keep the camera turned off people. GEEZ

Jersey shores. These stupid idiots are famous for partying and being hoebags. When did that become fun for people to watch. When did dressing like a damn whore or walking around while pulling up your shirt to show your stupid abs become entertainment? Why do I have to keep seeing these people I have no interest in.

Mel Gibson.. when the first tape came out I thought oh crap this is bad. She needed proof that he was an ass. Then the second came out and the third and then they just kept coming. That is when my mind kind of switched. Yes, he is an ass. But you know what she is a bigger ass. What kind of person tapes every single PERSONAL argument between them and a loved one. Now every one of us has said some stupid shit when we argue with someone. Have you ever thought of taping it? Bet not. She should have just left it at the one tape. She lost all credibility in my eyes by doing what she did. I call that blackmail.

For the love of all that is holy shut the hell up about Michael Jackson and Anna Nicole.... seriously they are dead. Shut the hell up I am tired of hearing about them.

And on that note give it up about Jennifer Annisten and Angelina. I am pretty damn sure they got over the whole thing years ago. I am sure they are both not fighting about it. SNORE.

Ok.. garbage day and a ton of stuff to do. I promise more pictures and normal blogging tomorrow.

Hi honey I'm home

2010-08-16T13:35:00.001-07:00

I had the best time this last week. I have tons and tons of pictures to share and stories to tell. But first... first I must clean the house that was left to a man for a week. I also have about 5 loads of laundry, dishes and a tub to scrub.

I will start you off with a teaser though.

We drove up to Lake Tahoe the night before the wedding was to take place. We tried to get into the room but it was to early so we left to go gamble for a while. When we came back to get into our room I noticed that everyone that worked there was lumbering and slow in their speech. They also all looked pretty much alike. And none of them smiled. I walked back to the truck and told Sazy and my grandma that we were in a hotel run by hillbilly cannibals. They both laughed but they soon learned that I was pretty much right.
That night we settled into bed and my grandmother goes "do you see that?" See what I asked.
She then points over towards Sazy's bed and says "That!"
I look over where she is pointing and don't see anything at first. Then I start to see a black shadow move around the bottom of Sazy's bed.
"THAT?" and I point over towards the shadow.
(remember it is dark in the room)
My grandmother says "there is a ghost in this room"
I had to agree as I watched the shadow move towards the door and reach up towards the knob.
Now Sazy is laying there thinking we are crazy because she doesn't see anything at all.
Both grandma and I try to point where we see the ghost but she still doesn't see it.
Then grandma says "Did you see That???"
Both Sazy and I say "What?"
"The clock just moved"
My grandma then starts making shooing motions with her hands. "Shoo go away! Shoo!" And says she is closing her eyes and not looking anymore.
It was at this point I look up and see the shadow on the ceiling above my bed. I point and say " Do you see that?"
Grandma says " I am not looking anymore"
And Sazy says she didn't see anything.
At this point the ghost goes back over by the foot of Sazy's bed. It wanders back and forth and in front of the curtains. Sazy doesn't believe a word of what we are saying. She thinks we are fooling with her. We weren't.
She took some pictures...... (don't forget to click on them to see all of the picture)

Now think what you like. Dirty camera lens or what ever but I know what I saw. Grandma knows what she saw. And you will see in the rest of the pictures that the lens wasn't dirty.

In vacation mode

2010-08-05T16:30:00.000-07:00

I leave on vacation in two count them TWO DAYS!!! Saturday I drive up with Sazy, pick up my grandma in Placerville, then drive up to Lake Tahoe for two bliss filled days. Sunday is a wedding we are all going to but Saturday I plan to stick my feet in that damn lake.
Is it weird that I am wishing for a thunderstorm during the evening?
The honey was suppose to go up with me on Saturday coming home Sunday for the wedding but he had to work so Sazy and I switched around our dates for our vacation.
See we were going to go up to grandmas on Wednesday staying until Saturday. Since it didn't make sense for me to drive up to Tahoe, turn around and drive back to the bay area to pick up Sazy, drive back to Placerville, she changed her days off. So now we are on vacation from Saturday to either Saturday or Sunday.
So it looks kind of like this....

Vacation day 1 (Saturday) and 2 (Sunday) Sazy, Grandma and I will all be at Lake Tahoe. Saturday is a free day that I plan to spend at least some time with my feet in the lake and Sunday is a wedding at 12 with a reception that ends at 4:30.

Day 3 (Monday) drive back to grandmas house maybe do some grocery shopping and look around down town.

Day 4 (Tuesday) Coloma. We are going to go to the place where gold was discovered. We are going to go to a museum, look at the replica of the old west town and swim in the American River.

Day 5 (Wednesday) gold bug mine We are going to go explore an actual gold mine and maybe pan for gold.

Day 6 (Thursday) Sly Park Lake/alpaca farm. We are going swimming in a lake and petting Alpacas. Also tonight is the meteor shower we are on this vacation for.

Day 7 (friday) play it by ear Second half of the meteor shower

Day 8 (Saturday)same as day 7 except we definitely come home today.

So as you can see..... We will be gone a week. Which means I will be in dial up land. Which means no posts from me :(

I hope to bring back lots of pictures.

WOOT overturned!!!

2010-08-04T14:25:00.000-07:00

A federal judge overturned California's same-sex marriage ban Wednesday in a landmark case that could eventually land before the U.S. Supreme Court to decide if gays have a constitutional right to marry in America.

I am so damn happy that they overturned this. I know that Prop 8 will continue up the courts but it is nice to see that someone in "power" understands that just because someone is gay doesn't mean they can't get married.

I don't understand the argument that letting gay people get married will affect "regular" marriages. How is what someone does in their own house affect what goes on in your house. Pay attention to your own marriage people.

I feel that if two people love each other and want to get married they should have the option to do so. So this ruling makes me oh so happy :)

Operation flowers

2010-08-03T14:13:00.000-07:00

I went to Home Depot today and found four one gallon pots of flowers. Two of these.

One yellow and one purple.
And two of these.

A red one and a pink one.
I cleared out the dead things under the neighbors window and planted them. It was freaking HOT outside.
It looks much much much better but I think it needs one more flower.
The best part? It only cost me twelve bucks. Twelve bucks for bigger bushes that won't die over the winter.
The lantana (first flowers posted) will spread across the ground like a carpet. While the geraniums (second flower) will grow up and into a nice bush. It should look really good in a few months.
He had a few snapdragons that had past reached their prime so I cut them back so they would grow next year. I pulled out some crab grass in the bed and I think it looks nice.
I may or may not go get that last flower I think it needs tomorrow. I am not sure. I will look again with fresh eyes when I go water the lawn.
Speaking of that. I took over a frog sprinkler we had and don't use since we installed a sprinkler system. I have seen Howard out there watering his lawn by hand for years. And let me tell you after one time of watering it by hand myself that sprinkler is going to live there lol.
I think he comes back on Thursday. I really really hope he doesn't think I overstepped my bounds by planting them. But it looks better. Honestly.

A question

2010-08-02T19:11:00.000-07:00

The neighbor across the street (who just lost his wife last year) asked me to water his front yard while he and the kids are in Washington for the week. It looks sad and blah and kind of crunchy. Would it be weird if I planted a few flowers for him along the window where flowers look like they should be? There are dead remnants of older annual flowers.
He said when he asked me to water that he was trying to make it look nice. I have known the guy for years.

Sometimes being a woman sucks

2010-07-29T10:16:00.000-07:00

You know the older I get the worse my pms gets. I have always had rough periods. The kind that knock you on your ass and make you curl up into a little ball with some kind of heating pad. I envied those women who it seemed like it was no big deal. They were perfectly normal. Doing the stuff they normally do. Little if no cramps.
Me though..I never had that.
Now it is getting worse. I know my eggs are reaching the end of their shelf life and my body has to use more hormones to push them along their way. But man it sucks.
First comes the headache. That low throbbing beacon that says "hold on to your hats because this is going to be a bumpy ride"
That headache sticks with me for almost a week before. Then comes the tightening of my shoulders. The tension that just seems to grow and grow. Add in a little bit of not caring about anything you normally care about. Not bothering to post a blog. Not wanting to play a game you play daily. Not wanting to read when you read daily.
Throw in some swollen boobs that feels like they are going to explode if you touch them, a back that feels like someone is sticking a poker in your spine and skin that feels like it wants to crawl off your body and you have a recipe for irritability.
Not normal irritability either.
The kind where you go to open the silverware drawer and something catches and instead of just pushing it shut and trying again you find yourself wanting to rip the drawer out of its slot and throwing the damn thing across the room.
The kind where the dog lays in the hallway and normally you just step over her but now it just sends you into some kind of GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY rage. Of course that one is just internal as you step over the dog but it sticks with you.
The kind where you go to pull a piece of clothing out of the washer but it is wrapped around something else and all you want to do is pull the damn thing out or throw the washer into the street.
The kind where someone says something to you and all you can think in your head is shut the fuck up SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!
I hate it. I hate that I have no control over the rage that sweeps through my body at random times. I hate that I walk around feeling all hunched over from the tension. I hate it all.
The doctor has told me I can take birth control pills to control it a bit. But why the hell would I want to take birth control when I can't get pregnant?
I know it would lighten the flow, slow a bit of the rage and probably make me a bit nicer but I don't want to take any medication that is not necessary. And that falls in the category of not necessary. Now if there was some pill I could take for the week before I would probably do it.
I worry about how much worse it is going to get.
The rage has only grown. The boob thing has gotten worse. The headache has just occurred during the last few years. The spike in the back has grown in intensity.
Oh and the new sweats that come at night FUN SHIT THERE.
I know it is all precursors to getting menopause.. ohhhh doesn't that sound fun. I just can't wait for that either.
Hair growing out of places it isn't suppose to. Sweats that are so bad that you wake up in a wet bed. (at least mine right now are just a light coating over my entire body)Hot flashes, mood swings all month. OH JOY

hmmmm I guess I needed to bitch for a second lol

Scammers suck

2010-07-26T13:10:00.000-07:00

So today I get a call to go on a interview tomorrow at 10:30. The lady tells me they are local 277 Union, have two positions open, one for a manager and one for union services. Both are full time. Great benefits. She told me she got my resume off of Monster.com. Then she gives me the address.
After doing a happy dance after hanging up I decide to do some research on the company so I can be prepared for the interview. I realize she never gave me the company name....
so I search for the address and find this.....

American Income Life's subsidiary company The Halali Ins. Group located at 4300 Stevens Creek Blvd. Ste. 100, San Jose, CA 95129 is posting on Craigslist jobs which they don't have!

THEY ARE LIARS AND SCAMMER'S.

On Craigslist under "customer service" they advertised to have 2 positions open. Which they claim to pay you $14 an hour. And the advertisement also says that they are looking for sales people as well, which is ok. But, it is not what it seems!

Here is the advertisement posted on July 06, 2009.
X - X - X - X - X - X -
Full Time Union Position with Full Benefits (san jose west)

Date: 2009-07-06,
Reply to: halaliinsgroupsanjose@...

The Halali Insurance group a subsidiary of American Income Life is currently looking to staff it's newly opened San Jose office. We are hiring in the following areas, customer service and sales representatives. We are in need of 4 customer service reps and 8 sales agents. Both positions are FULL-TIME ONLY!!!!!! and union.Please do not submit a resume if you are looking for part-time. You must be willing to work overtime as well as nights and weekends if needed until the office is fully staffed. Customer Service Reps. are paid $14.00 per hour plus full benefits including health, dental, vision, for yourself as well as your family, a 401k plan and stock purchase plan are also included. Sales Agents are paid $500 per week base, along with commission, advance, bonus, residual, as well as full benefits including health, dental, vision, coverages for yourself and family, a 401k plan and stock purchase plan are also included.

American Income Life was recently rated as the 33rd best company to work for by Yahoo and Hot Jobs and the number 1 insurance company to work for. Here is a link to the posting http://sev.prnewswire....

To give you some background American Income was founded more than half a century ago with just $25,000 in borrowed capital, and today, has become one of the nation's largest providers of supplemental insurance.

Our primary operation is in providing supplemental life insurance products to association, labor union, and credit union members. American Income is licensed in 49 states, New Zealand, and Canada -- and our subsidiary Company, National Income Life Insurance Company is licensed in New York. We are a strong company and have been rated by A.M. Best, one of the country's oldest and most respected insurance ratings company, A+ "Superior," its second highest rating, for overall financial strength.

We will be starting our interviews this coming Thrs. To be considered for a position please submit a resume along with a contact number and past salary history to halaliinsgroupsanjose@... if you are considered you will be called by one of our Human Resources Representatives to be set up for an interview this week.
Compensation: Sales Agents will be paid $500 per week base, commission, bonus, advance, residual, and full benefits.
Customer Service Reps. are paid $14.00 per hour plus full benefits.
X - X - X - X - X - X -

I applied for the customer service position. I just got back from their so called interview. I been told this is a "sales-customer service" position.
Since when is the definition of "CUSTOMER SERVICE" has become "SALES"? And not only that they don't even have a position open for that! They scheduled so many people to come in at the same time you have no idea. But it was very obvious, they are collecting information from applicants who are looking for a job and generating these as leads for the future in order to sell insurance to us and/or to spam our mailboxes.

I asked the guy his name was Ernesto, (even though I was scheduled to have an interview with a person called Jose, when I asked about that he said:" It doesn't matter if it is me or him. It's the same". Later of course I understood why!

You are tricking people to come by advertising a position they don't have. And without any fear from Law they are scheduling people for interview? Wasting peoples time and energy at their worst time.

They are breaking the law by FALSE ADVERTISING! Over and over again! The posting I have embedded is dated July 06, 2009. And then they post another one on July 20, 2009. I have that, too.

Well that put up some red flags for me but it WAS from 2009., so I start searching for Union 277 in California. Funny thing that... I can't find a union 277. In fact I went to the list of all unions in California and nothing. I tried every search known to mankind and nothing.
I tried a reverse search on the phone number and it came back from San Francisco. That was weird enough that I decide to call back and get the company name just for my own piece of mind.
The phone rings and rings and finally I get a voice mail. The company name is American Income.
I go back to the scam thing I found and it is the same name. I do a search for American Income and post after post talks about how this company (Which is a real company by the way) scams people. Yes they do offer some jobs but after reading about what happens when you take the jobs (nothing good) I decided I am not going to the interview tomorrow.

You know there is something about having your emotions get so excited only to have them slam you right back down into the ground that sucks. Really sucks. REALLLLLLLYYYYYY SUCKS.

:(

I'm a bitch and I have money coming in

2010-07-23T08:52:00.000-07:00

WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!

It is a big relief. Funny how it totally matches with me deciding to pound the pavement and find some kind of retail job.

Ok Damn it... this is my blog... .where all my warts and wrinkles hang out right? Where I can be honest with myself. Where I can be honest with the 3 readers I have.

Here is where I sound like a bitch.... or a snob I guess.

I am sorry in advance for my snobby views that I can't seem to cure but have a feeling I am about to....

When I was young I started out in fast food like almost everyone else. I was damn proud of that job. I felt like an adult.... Then time goes by and you realize working at the fast food place isn't for adults. It is for teenagers just starting out in the workforce or elderly people who want to work part time
(Can you see the snobby coming out yet?)
I decided to join a temporary agency and gain some skills. I was so damn green they had me doing everything from pounding bolts into concrete in an abandoned warehouse to working graveyard at IBM making sure the monster printers that printed out papers all night long didn't jam or run out of paper to dialing for surveys to filing. Once I got the filing down they had me do receptionist duties. It was there that I began to learn to type. That I began to teach myself systems like word and excel.
Those 8 hour shifts where I was expected to do nothing but smile and answer the phone I spent pushing every button to find out what they did.
Pretty soon I started getting admin jobs.
Each time I went up in the ladder I got a sense of pride. Of fulfilment. I was doing this. On my own. Learning what I needed. I was kicking some ass.
I worked my way up to office manager. Me.. a unschooled hillbilly. Me a self taught woman! I was proud. And I was making good money. There were plenty of other jobs in between. HR. Payroll. Assistant to the president of a company.
Then how it happened I have no idea. I ended up at a job as a estimator for a awning company. The work was fun. The pay was great. The boss was the biggest dick on the planet. He read my emails. Work or private. Around three years into the job I called him on it. He did everything in his power to make me quit. I refused to give him the satisfaction. He was going to fire me or I wasn't going.
I know I know but I have a stubborn streak too.
I got sick. I called in and talked to my supervisor. Not the boss. Three days I was sick. On the third day I got a letter telling me I was fired due to job abandonment. Let's just say I fought that with the labor board and won.
Then after a few more little jobs I got the estimator position at the paving company.
It was like coming home.
Day after day I learned more. After a year my salary was more then I ever could have imagined making. I was so proud. So happy to go to work. I felt like I had finally made it. That I was justified in all the hard work that I put into learning what I needed to know.
That me little old me was able to pick up a set of giant blueprints and tell you exactly what was on them. How big things were. That I could read a contract. A CONTRACT! And tell you what needed to be crossed out or what could stay.
I felt as though I scratched and bled and fought my ass off to get to this point. To this salary. I was honestly happy with myself. Proud of myself.
Then the economy tanked.
Then I got laid off.
Now it has been a year.....
A year where the resume that I have so carefully crafted hasn't worked. A year where all my skills that I fought so damn hard to get aren't enough. A year where my self esteem has fallen so damn far and so damn hard I am not sure how to get it back where it was.
And now I contemplate getting a retail job.
I don't know how to explain this to you except how it feels in my head.
I feel I am taking a giant leap backwards. I feel that everything I worked so hard for was for nothing. That I am an idiot for thinking that I could "make it".
I feel as though I am stepping down. That I have to start over again. That nothing I did mattered.That I fought to hard to get above my station. I mean after all really did I expect to do better then most people in my family. Did my pride get to big?
Will I get the job if offered one.. yes.
But I may never ever mentally be the same again.

They passed it yesterday

2010-07-21T12:18:00.000-07:00

FINALLY!!
I spent most of the day watching and waiting to see if they would pass the unemployment thing. They did. Finally. Now it needs to go to the senate and then the president. They expect it to be signed by Thursday.
Cross your fingers for me people. Having that cash would be helpful. VERY helpful.

But I have also decided something. After I get back from my "vacation" with Sazy at my grandmothers I am going to go find a retail job. Now I have not done retail since I was a teenager. But I figure any job is better then me sitting at home. I am so freaking tired of sitting at home. Hopefully it will be more then I get from unemployment but at this point for my sanity I need to get out of this house.

I was talking to my neighbor whose family has a temp agency. They posted a job for two days and got over one thousand resumes. ONE THOUSAND!!!
So my job finding still is not looking good. I don't even know if a retail type store would hire me. Or if they are even hiring for that matter.
I just know I need a damn job and looking every day and sending resume after resume is not getting me one.
UGH

Been missing haven't I

2010-07-19T10:36:00.001-07:00

I kept meaning to post. I even sat here with this blank screen several times. I just couldn't seem to pull off the energy to post something... anything. So I didn't.
I have been following the unemployment debacle. It amazes me how much I have learned about our congress and the way it works. It is no wonder it doesn't work. UGH.
This weekend I went to my family reunion. It was a lot of fun. The pictures though... not so much LMAO. I need to diet. Badly. The whole sit on your ass looking for work, playing on the internet, etc is not working for my ass. But then I saw one picture of my family.

In order, my brother, my mother, me and my step father. It looks like we ALL need to diet lol. DRAT click on the pictures.. sigh
At least we got a bit of exercise *snort

It is fun catching up on the family gossip. It is one thing when the phone line burns up with the latest news but a whole different thing when you sit there and actually talk.
Here is a bit of the family gossip.
One of my nephews.... wait... let me explain something..
My family has a weird naming thing.
Anyone within two clicks of you is either Aunt, Uncle, Niece or Nephew
Anyone way distant is cousin.
Anyone we adopt into the family (Like Sazy) become cousins.

Some examples...

My Real life late uncle David had a daughter Amanda. Amanda had a baby named Justice. That would in reality make him my cousin. However I am Auntie Jody and he is Nephew Justice. Just like I am Aunt Jody to Amanda and her brother Roy.
My late Grandma Mema had a sister. She is Aunt Annie.
See obviously she couldn't be Aunt but two clicks away lol
My Uncle Bob has a daughter Morgan. I would call her my Niece and she would call me Aunt.

Now...if you are so far distant cousin that we can't even figure out how we are related or we have adopted you into the family. (this can be anyone at all, and we all tend to do it) you become cousin. Sazy has been to three family reunions now. I fully 100% expect at the next one she will be introduced to someone as our cousin Marcy.

Or as Sazy puts it...It seems like anyone older than you is uncle and aunt, about the same age is a cousin and anyone younger is niece and nephew.

Ok.. back to the gossip.

One of my nephews joined the circus. YES!! I actually have a family member who ran away and joined the circus. Unbelievable. I wish I could find out exactly which circus and what he is doing. I guess I need to burn up the phone line.

One of my nephews turned out to be gay and became a hairstylist. Now I knew the kid was gay a thousand years ago. He and I talked about his coming out to his parents in the future and how hard it was going to be for him. We had a long talk while walking through the rose gardens (around 3 years ago) where I told him that his sexuality did not make him different from any of the rest of us. And that anyone who thought it did wasn't worth his time. I remember telling him that I love him and would kick the ass of anyone who looked sideways at him. Turns out some of his family had a hard time dealing. I asked his mother if just because he was gay did that mean he suddenly turned into someone else? She looked at me funny but I think she may have gotten the point. He didn't come this year since he had to work but I look forward to seeing him next year and giving him a hug for his courage.

Well there is more but you get the picture. Family is strange and wonderful and fun and frustrating.

This Friday a new member of the honey's family will be born. So a hospital visit is in order which means I have/get to buy a cute baby girl dress. I am looking forward to meeting Haley. :)

Saturday morning the honey leaves for a overnight camping/fishing trip. He shortened it to one day but Saturday is going to be bliss. SWEET BEACH BLISS. Today he calls me up and tells me that his sister is going to come over Saturday to visit. Before I could tell him Ummmm NO ME TIME MINE MINE MINE NO SISTER NO NO NO!!!! the phone buzzed and he hung up. Trust me on this.. I WILL NOT be visiting with his sister on Saturday. I have plans. I have had plans. I am not changing them to visit with someone who had a giant fight with me because I didn't clean under a garbage can in the kitchen when the honeys mom was in the hospital a thousand years ago. He will be set straight as soon as he gets home. Period.

Well tomorrow they are suppose to vote on the unemployment thing. Keep your fingers crossed for me ok.

Oakland museum pictures

2010-07-13T11:22:00.000-07:00

Last weekend Sazy and I went to the Oakland museum. I totally got a "are you crazy there was a riot there a few days ago" from the honey. But like normal I didn't listen and off we went lol.

I was so in love with the big head with the wolf on it. So very much in love. I would have put that damn thing right in my living room.

For some reason we can find a penis in the damndest places LMAO

We became the exhibit lol

Dancing in front of the hypnotic psycho show that you can't see.

Yes I made her do that sheesh.

Which of these do you consider art. Sazy and I completely disagreed when we normally agree on everything.

Sazy's poem came out clear... mine said......
Lightning intoxication
When innocents weep
Madness burns
Loneliness endless

Well it is official now

2010-07-12T13:33:00.000-07:00

As of the check I got on Saturday I no longer have any money coming in at all. I am officially living off of the money I have in the bank. And let me tell you something there is not a whole hell of a lot of that in there.
Due to the death of a congress member from Virginia I have to wait even longer to see if they will pass the unemployment extension. Not that I really have any hope at all that it will even pass.
So what now?
I continue to look for a job just like I have for the past year. I don't buy a single thing that is not needed. I pay my bills that don't stop just because I don't have money coming in.
The honey has agreed to pay for a few of the bills. PG&E, cable. Some groceries. He is trying but he also doesn't seem to think I look hard enough for a job. I don't know how I could possibly look harder but he seems to think I can.
I try to let that roll off my back but it is hard to. Being unemployed makes you start to feel paranoid a bit. To feel scared and unsure. To feel like maybe you aren't doing enough.
One of the congress members stated that for every job opening there is 5 people who are unemployed. And I live in California where the unemployment rate is 6 points higher then her state.
There is nothing I can do to change where I am though. Well nothing I am not all ready trying to do.
Its funny how you go through stages. Hopeful. Depressed. Hopeful. Scared. Depressed.
I am following the news daily and hoping for the vote that will put me back into a ok place. This place I am at right now is not ok. It is so far from ok I don't even know how to explain it.
I read today that some people believe that unemployment is like welfare. That all the unemployed people are sitting home eating bon bons and just collecting checks. That is not reality.
I wanted to share a few comments on one of the sites I visit daily so you can see for yourselves.

Comment #1
Just like other transfer payments, long term UI benefits will just create a permanent underclass who are dependant on the government for their substinance in exchange for following often reduculous rules. As a result, individuals, families and communities are sucked dry of all motivation and wait for the government to provide for them at a subsistance level.

Comment #2
As I said before unemployment insurance is just another form of income redistrubtion, taking money away from our productive members of society (those that are employed) and giving it to our unproductive members of society (unemployed). Sure there are exceptions to the blanket statement I just made but on the large scale, unemployment insurance hurts our economy more than helps it. In a free labor market, valuable workers who are unemployed should be snatched up quickly by employers, or else they will lose an advantage of having that good employee to a competitor. If someone has made mistakes and has difficulty finding a job… why should all those that are responsible and productive have to bail them out? Rewarding mistakes/bad behavior is bad for the economy.

Comment #3
I think extending unemployment does encourage laziness and less motivation. People have become dependent on the government and they see themselves entitled to their unemployment..

With people who hold this mentality I don't see any votes coming soon. I am sure there are some people who are lazy but don't punish all of us who aren't over that.

Wow.. sort of went off on a tangent there. Sorry.

Anywhoooo.... tomorrow I will post pictures of our trip to the Oakland museum.

and... I forgot to add my post to that
I have been unemployed since July 2009. I was working as an estimator in the contruction field and laid off after 3 years from this job that I loved and was good at because I was the last one hired and the construction industry tanked. It was either lay me off or go out of business. So I understood.
In this last year I have applied to hundreds and hundreds of jobs. I have cold called. I have applied to anywhere from 3 to 10 jobs per day. I have tried temporary agencys. I ask at the grocery store, the 7-11, the gas station. Anywhere I happen to go I ask if they are hiring.
In this year I have had three interviews. I got one job for three weeks that I actually ended up working myself out of. They did not have enough to keep me busy.
I want to work. I cannot afford to live on unemployment. So you who commented that unemployment makes you not look for a job are dead wrong.
My benefits ran out as of Sunday. I was no where near the 99 weeks that some got.
I am terrifed of the future. How do you continue to pay the bills that come in with no money coming in. I guess am about to find out.
I would 100% rather have a job… any job… then get unemployment.
Extending the benefit would help me. Would keep me fed. Would keep me paying my bills. Would keep my head above the water. Would keep me from ending up homeless down the road. Would keep me from begging for money for necessities.
I am not a number I am a person.
I am not lazy. I am not NOT looking for a job.

Things to look forward to

2010-07-09T13:14:00.000-07:00

I needed to remind myself that life is not all bad. I do have a few things planned that I am looking forward to.

This weekend I am going to a museum with my buddy Sazy. Tomorrow actually!!!! Look for pictures lol.

The 17th of this month is my yearly family reunion. It is fun seeing the whole family get together and play volley ball and eat and just plain old have fun.

July 23-26 The honey is gone. WOOT!!!!!!!! I plan on making this a beach weekend with Sazy. Maybe a bbq thrown in for the hell of it. It is so nice when he leaves sometimes lol.

August 8th my friend is getting married in Lake Tahoe. So I will be going up for the day to watch.

August 16th through August 20th I will be going to grandma's in Placerville with my buddy Sazy to watch the meteor shower, visit the lake, go through a mine, visit Coloma and see the gold rush museums. And generally just have a great time. (unless I get a job of course.)

August 21 I am going to a 60th birthday party for the honey's brother. Always a good time.

September 22 I am going to see Willie Nelson with my buddy Sazy. WOOT fan girl here I come lol.

December 6th I am going to go see Roger Waters do the entire Wall album live with the honey and Sazy. I am so freaking excited about this I could pee my pants lol.

So see.... things are going to happen that are fun. Life goes on regardless of how crappy it is at the moment.

And I wanted to share a job posting I came across today... think he wants a ready set of booty???
I am a young entreprenure looking for a personal assistant, I am tired of working 50-60hrs a week and still not caught up. I work in the Technology industry, I own a few businesses and I also work as a business consultant and project developer. This is an entry level position, not much expereience is required, I am sorry to all of the over qualified applicants, I am looking to find the right person to start at entry level pay around $10-$12hr for paid training (90days) then a few dollar raise . The position available would require scheduling, record keeping, time tracking, expense reports, AP/AR, other personal errands. Would be a great postion for a college student/intern as the schedule is very flexible. I do travel frequently so I would need additional help in San Jose when I am not here and from time to time I would request assistance as I travel, so some travel may be required. Please send a resume or bio that tells me who you are, what you are interested in, your goals and what you think you can do for me to give me back some of my time. A current picture would guarantee your reply gets my attention. Also, I am young and attractive, I do live a fun lifestyle, I am looking for someone independent, the reason I say this is I would be communicating with my assistant frequently and sometimes durring off hours as I manage projects durring night hours. I had an assistant a few years ago with a jealous boyfriend and I do not want to deal with that again. . .haha.

I realized something today

2010-07-08T15:05:00.001-07:00

Well a few things actually. One I have turned into gloom and doom girl which explains why no one comments anymore. (Besides a rare wonderful few)Of course if I actually commented on all the blogs I read daily I would probably get more in response but I just... I just don't have the energy :(
Two, today marks the one year anniversary of my uncle David's death. Which means I have had this blog for over a year now. I started this about 2 weeks before he died. Actually I think the day before I found out he had brain cancer.
I can't tell you how many times I have been in the backyard working on weeds or with the flowers when I hear a noise from his side of the fence. From the area he used to sit at every day. I can't tell you how many times I have walked towards his spot to yell something stupid over the fence. Or to tell him to shut the hell up (jokingly) only to remember he isn't there anymore. That he won't be ever again. And it hits me all over again. The sorrow. The anger. The loss. The sense of alone I get without him in my life.
He was a good man and he deserved to die with dignity. Cancer sucks.
Three, all I do is bitch bitch bitch. I bitch about my no job. I bitch about money. I have turned bitter and I hate it. Something has to give. I can feel myself stretching tighter and tighter. There is going to be a breaking point and I have no idea what the hell is going to happen.
So I need to cheer up. I need to mellow out. I need to calm down. To bad I just don't see it happening anytime soon.

AND I totally forgot to add the SYTYCD blurb which totally 100% doesn't go with this blog but I really don't give a flying fuck lol

Oh no Alex! Poor guy! He gave up a ton for this.

Kat - Very sparkly must be itchy dress. And why don't they comb her hair?

Lauren - Cha cha - Music totally didn't work. it was kind of boring for me. Hmmm the judges really liked it.

Jose - contemporary - soul mate dance - smoldering at the end. Very pretty. Wow he made me get all watery eyed when he did. The judges are correct he is all soul.

Kent - Hip Hop - He was pretty darn good in this. The routine was kind of slow though. He looks better and more comfy.

Adechike - Jazz - bar dance- her dress was so not sexy. In fact the whole thing wasn't as sexy as it could have been. I wasn't thrilled with it.

Billy - Thief dance - Something is not right with me today. I didn't like this one either. The music was good, the dance was good but blah.

Ashley - hip hop- ninja dance - Those pants are stupid. She did well. The whole ninja thing didn't work for me though.

Robert - jazz - Doll dance - Ouch she almost fell. I kind of hated that dance. People don't like him because he is an idiot and kind of fake.

Adechike - Bollywood - pretty high jumps in his genie outfit. GO KAT!! I loved that she asked why it was ok for Jose to do his own thing but Adechike got in trouble. The judges sure are hard on him. I don't think he was that bad. Mia was an ass saying she missed Alex.

Lauren and Kent - contemporary - young lovers dance - Ok that dance made me smile. Kent finally didn't have to act like a "man dog" in this one. The two of them matched well.

Ashley and Robert - quick step - They did really well. The dance looked good. They really need to stop calling it the kiss of death dance. I am sure that they all ready know that. Sheesh

Billy and Jose - african jazz - That was so interesting. it seemed to end to fast. Loved Billy's hair and he was damn creepy with his gumby sinew body. Jose was pretty good too. Not great but damn good.

The dentist ate my bank account

2010-07-06T14:18:00.000-07:00

Yup today was the day I had to go to the dentist. All $1,177 worth of crown is now in my mouth... well temporary crown anyway. The new one gets put in on the 21rst. That was a major hit to my pocketbook. Especially since I no longer have any money coming in. I seriously thought about postponing the appointment. But then I thought I better not. After all right now I didn't need a root canal. Could you imagine the cost had I needed that too! UGH.
So I went and yes I cried. No matter how hard I try to be a normal person once I am in the chair I kind of lose it a bit. There seems to be nothing I can do to stop it either. It is down right embarrassing.

So now at least that is done. Thank god.

So now I worry. I worry about having no cash coming in. I worry about my bills. My bank account. Groceries. Gas. UGH. There is no way not to worry. It makes me feel helpless. And stupid. And I know I am not stupid. I honestly cannot look any harder for a job then I am all ready. There is nothing more that I can do then what I am doing. Although after I found out my unemployment benefits would be cut off I did start to apply for part time work to. I figure I don't need my health care anymore. That will save me money. I would like to keep it but it is going to get to the point where it won't be worth it to me anymore. I will keep it for as long as I can but I won't allow myself to mourn when it is gone. After all it is my problem. I am fairly healthy after all.
I would really just like to get a job though. Is that really to much to ask?
I look at my bank account now and almost start to panic. What good does that do me? It is what it is right? UGH

I came back to add how SUPER EXCITED I am to have found a DAMN NAIL IN MY TIRE.

My garden pictures plus SYTYCD plus Deadliest Catch

2010-07-01T12:29:00.000-07:00

Well I had a monthly visitor come visit yesterday. I notice that a day or three before and during I just don't have the right attitude to post lol.
Anywhoo.....
First is my review of So you think you can dance. Then garden pictures...

Kat - Loved the dress

Adechike - Hip hop - That was totally fun to watch. I enjoyed the whole partial strip thing. He finally had a real smile. It was nice.

Ashley - contemporary - This no backbone dance is pretty incredible. It was beautiful and very flowy.

Billy -SOLO - Those red pants have got to go. The man is bendy like gumby. His leg moves are stunning.

Robert - Jazz - Holy cow he looked incredibly sexy with his dark hair and guyliner. woooooo hoooo... and I don't even like the guy lol. That totally didn't look like jazz though.

Jose - SOLO - This isn't my favorite style but how fast can that kid spin on his head!

Melinda - Salsa - The whole foot stuck removal moment took me out of the dance and made me watch it with a critical eye. There was no chemistry at all. And she kept throwing out these funny fake smiles that turned me off.

Kent -SOLO - The kid is just pure joy isn't he.

Alex - SOLO- This guy is flat out incredible. Although... were there pampers in his pants?

Lauren - Broadway - It completely reminded me of old school actresses. I really enjoyed it even though the chemistry was wrong. HOLY COW wardrobe malfunction!! She was brave to continue dancing like that. Live.

Ashley - SOLO - Those leather tight underwear things she was wearing totally distracted me from watching her dance.

Billy - Contemporary - The kids legs are wonderful. I enjoyed the dance a lot. Funny... I didn't see a disconnect like the judges did.

Robert - SOLO - The solo was good. It looked smooth and fun.

Jose - Samba - A little bit stiff. No chemistry there. It looked like it was hard for him. He does smile cute though lol

Melinda - SOLO - Blick, didn't match the music. I am ready for her to go home now.

Kent - Jazz - The whole open mouth fish face is not good. The kid is not a man yet they keep casting him as some Casanova. It doesn't work for him. So it makes him look like he can't dance. And he can.

Adechike - SOLO - This guy has a beautiful chest and his solo was incredible.

Lauren - SOLO - The music made the solo boring.

Alex - Hip Hop - LOVED IT. High energy. Would never have known that wasn't his style. INCREDIBLE!! He totally nailed that.

I had a tree that we thought was dying. Turns out it hated the rocks that were around the base. So we removed them and it just screamed out "I need something" so I put these in.

This is the patio in my backyard. I have created a little cave like area surrounded by flowers that separates us off from the lawn. Like our own little oasis.

Along the new fence I put these.

That pink flower I looked for for the last two years. I forgot to get its name off the bucket it came in before it was tossed. Anyone know? And those blue flowers...never again. You water them and they go flat on the ground for a long time.

I just created these hanging baskets so they aren't full and flowy yet. The honey made me the stakes. He looked at me crazy when I said I didn't want them the same height. I think they look better this way. (Click picture)

This goes all the way down the back of the house. I spent almost two months getting rid of the weeds before putting the bark down. As you can see I got two of the flowers I had been looking for lol. That rose bush behind it.... it is over 20 years old and still flowers with beautiful purple flowers regardless of it's raggedy look. Our tomato plants are next to it.

Here is the side of the house I filled with rocks. I almost died doing this. We had put the rocks on the opposite side so I had to squat, lift, squat, put down... over and over and over again. For two days straight. Every piece of me was sore after that lol. The other side of that side yard is not complete. That is the next thing I am doing.

This is the next project after the other side yard. This is by the new fence we had put up. This has turned into a jungle. I need to remove all the plants. Dig out about 5 to 6 inches of dirt 3 feet wide all the way down so we can put in a cement walkway. UGH So not looking forward to that.

Deadliest Catch talk.....
Deadliest catch had me sitting there with tears running down my cheeks. I did pretty good until the other captains started finding out too. For some reason I really do like Keith and he really made me lose it.
The scene in the cabin with Josh making a decision was brutal. The scene between him and Freddy talking about him needing to take a trip to see his dad also made me cry. I am not sure why Freddy didn't go... or if he did.
The looks on each of the peoples faces was brutal. Deckhands and Captains alike. But I love the fact that they all worried about the boys. And these rough tough fisherman all took a moment to say I love you to each other.
And it was kind of Johnathan to go to the hospital postponing his vacation.
I am curious if they ever found Jake Anderson's father. Poor kid.

More Pictures take two....

2010-06-28T13:56:00.000-07:00

Ok don't forget you need to click the pictures to see the whole thing.

A giant Buddha

sitting on a thousand tiny buddhas....

I found what I decided needed to be my next boyfriend.

As you can see... I REALLY REALLY like him.

You ever see something and want it so bad you can taste it. That is how I felt about this book made with bark pages. I coveted this book so bad.

Why yes... we do seem to have a facination with male parts and pieces....

You know... Sazy and I do have the best time. We laugh our asses off at each other.

More Rodin....

Two Roman marble pieces...

We had a bit of fun in the native american section.

Next we went into the contemporary art section. It is interesting to look at but it is just not my or Sazy's thing. I mean seriously how is a circle of rocks in the middle of the floor art?

Then we stepped outside again into the death heat and took these pictures.

There was so much more. We made a security guard laugh. There was a cute baby holding his feet and giggling his little heart out. There was a hot dog that both of us swear couldn't have possibly been meat.
The day was something I needed more then I knew. Something that took down my stress level a notch.
Tomorrow I will post my garden... unless I get a wild hair then look for post three lol

Pictures! Lots of pictures!

2010-06-28T12:29:00.000-07:00

I have to tell you that I am pretty much mortally terrified right now. What the hell am I going to do with no money? I am scared. But....I guess I have to figure out how to live right? Sigh.

Anywhoooo.... Me and my best buddy Sazy went to Stanford museum this weekend. It was free and we were super excited to see a few of the outdoor statues and the inside stuff as well. The thing was... it was over 100 degrees and I think we both were going to die. Seriously. HOT!!!

We had read about the outdoor Rodin statues and were dying to see the Gates of Hell. So we were super excited when we got out of the truck to see this.

Now you guys know I am picture challenged so you HAVE to click on the pictures to see the whole thing.

The first statue we ended up visiting was the three shades. We decided to leave the Gates of Hell for last.
I couldn't resist....

SAZY quick put your hand on Adam's weenie... well she got close lol

Then we came to one of the most incredible things I have ever seen. The Gates of Hell. Now this thing is giant. And bronze. And radiating heat like we were actually in hell. I think you can see us melting in these pictures.

Here is the front of the museum.

I pretty much figured I was going to fall to my death when I was standing by the sitting man. Sazy laughed at me and told me I wasn't up that high.

The marble lobby was incredible. And HUGE!!! It had a giant bronze horse that looked like it was made out of wood. It was one of my favorite pieces.
And see my head up there on the top of the balcony next to the statue. I am standing on my tippy toes and that is all you can see of me. And yes I am sitting on the floor. Sazy and I are not your normal museum goes. We don't walk around all solemn and quiet. We laugh and completely enjoy ourselves. We make completely inappropriate comments and we talk about art as what we see.

Ok I am a little tired of posting pictures. Come back for more. There are lots and lots more. I just need to go clean the bathroom first lol

So you think you can dance and rocks

2010-06-24T20:28:00.000-07:00

I moved rocks all day long so I am wiped out but I wanted to post this even if it is late.

Kat looks much better this week. Her hair is nice. The dress is sort of cute... a little potato sack with a strange bottom but better.

Christina (tango girl) - paso doble - I really liked the dance. it was passion filled, exciting. I liked the jumps and roll all over the floor moments. I think that she did a really good job.

Adechike - contemporary - It was pretty. Really smooth and slinky and pretty. I am a little worried that people have to to tell him over and over again to smile. It seemed as he danced he would have a moment of OH smile! Then the smile would disappear. He needs more personality.

Alex (perfect boy #1) - Broadway - At the beginning of the piece all I could do was watch her. Then he kicked and his foot went above his head. He became the focal point then. I don't feel as though this really showed him off to his advantage but it was a lot of fun to watch. And man that guy dances beautifully.

Ashley - Jazz - Wow the man she is dancing with has one hell of a yummy tummy... ahem... This dance is very sexy but it doesn't look like Jazz at all. It isn't upbeat. There was this one jump where she jumped into his arms and he flipped her upside down which was INCREDIBLE>

Billy (perfect boy #2) - Krump - Oh boy this could be bad! I cannot believe it. He pulled it off. He looked good and tight. They totally matched. I think it was pretty damn good. Hmmm the judges hated it.

Robert (big mouth) - Argentine tango - Wow he has a nice heiny right? He does look a bit nervous while dancing. It was pretty good but kind of slow. I do wish that kind of mans pants would come back. They wore them in the pioneer days too and they really show off a mans .... assets. Ok that whole puking gag thing made me want to puke and reminded me why I don't like this guy.

Melinda (tap girl) - Contemporary - Her costume is totally distracting. Well that ended before I felt like it should. It was very abrupt. Wow I always seem to agree with Mia. Mother Earth dance.. Please.

Jose (b boy) - Bollywood - This could be awful. Bollywood isn't one of my favorite dances. That was pretty good but some weird stuff with the hands. But that smile lights up the whole world doesn't it?

Lauren (happy girl) - Lyrical hip hop - Ok totally didn't get abusive relationship from that. It was a nice dance though and interesting to watch.

Kent (farm boy) - Jazz - Wow farm boy is growing up fast isn't he. I bet this is more then he has ever had to handle in his life. I found that totally smoking hot. I was worried the table was going to break. ok.. the judges don't agree with me that it was smoking hot. To bad.

It's official. I am so freaking screwed. :(

2010-06-23T09:08:00.000-07:00

So just now I called the unemployment office to see if I am eligible for a second extension as I have enough on this extension for one more check.
I'm not.
Why?
Because congress has not signed the bill allowing for more funds for unemployment. In fact they have missed two deadlines. Now I am not the only one in this boat. Anyone on an extension just had their unemployment cut off on June 12th. If it wasn't a federal extension they are shit out of luck. The money just stopped. If it was a federal extension they at least get to go to the end of the money allocated to it.
But what does that mean for me. That means in less then two weeks I will no longer have any money coming in. That means all bills will have to come out of my meager savings. I have a dentist appointment that is going to cost me $1,177 in less then a week.
That means I am completely screwed.
And terrified.
What happens when my savings run out?
It is not like I can look any harder for a job then I am right now. Just on Monday alone I applied for six jobs. It is not like I can make someone hire me.
I am truly trying to stay calm. I am trying to remain hopeful that sometime in the next two weeks congress signs the bill.
I know it is not going to happen though. I know I am well and truly screwed here.
Holy fuck I have no idea what the hell to do!

First things first though. I need to step back. Take some breaths. Try to center myself because this blind panic isn't helping anything. I need to take stock of exactly how much money I have in the bank and figure out to the penny how long it will last with my bills.
Holy shit I am panicking lol
Ok.. off to breathe.... then plan.

GEEZ

2010-06-21T14:55:00.001-07:00

These past few days have been so hectic. What with the plumbing problems, my dad's visit and now my brother coming. That is a whole other story in itself by the way.

Since that one is shorter I guess I will post that and then later this week post about my dad's visit. See I am waiting on the second tree guy to come for his appointment. We need to remove a tree out front. A 40 to 50 foot tall pine tree that is of course dying. UGH. The first quote almost made me sick. Over two thousand dollars. Hopefully the next few people aren't quite so expensive.

Anywhooooo back to the brother story.

My grandmother and I were talking on the phone one night a few days ago and she asks me if I am going to my brothers birthday party. I say what birthday party and she says my mother is having a party for him on Sunday. (Yesterday) I told my grandmother I hadn't heard a word about it but I would wait to be invited.
No one ever called me. So I decided screw it. I am not going. I was kind of irked since no one invited me and my mother had never thrown me a birthday party. I know boo hoo right lol
Anyway The night before the party at 9:30 at night my brother calls me on the phone. I answered with hair dripping from the shower in my pajamas He says they arrived (from out of state) that day and they were driving around and thinking of going out to dinner at Koyoto Palace. (Expensive place) How about they pick me up and I can pay for their dinner for his birthday. I told him that I had just gotten out of the shower, that it was late and that the honey was sick. So no. He then tells me he is down the street and coming over.
I again said I just got out of the shower, the honey is in bed and it is late.
HONK HONK HONK HONK
He pulls up out front as I am on the phone with him. So I go outside and after hugs of hello he says he isn't staying because they are hungry but how about I give him some cash for dinner. I tell him no. I have no cash. I don't ever carry cash I only use my atm card. He then proceeds to invite me to his birthday party and tells me that I need to bring him a present. Then he tells me that I need to take him and his wife to the movies on his actual birthday and pay for it. He hops back in the car and waves goodbye and leaves.
Now don't get my wrong... I love my brother but UGH.
So that night I had a really rough time sleeping as you can imagine. I tossed and turned and fought with myself. There was half of me that wanted to go to my brothers birthday party but the other half of me was hurt, irritated and just plain disgusted and didn't want to go.
The next day I decided no. I refuse to be told at 9:30 at night about a party the next day and be ordered to bring a birthday present. I decided I would however pay for the movies on Tuesday as his gift.
So I call him around 1pm (the party is at 4) I tell him I am not going. I tell him the honey is still sick. And then I tell him that I will pay for the movies on Tuesday. (tomorrow) I remind him I am unemployed so we will be going to a matinee. He says to me... fine you can not come and you can take us to the movies but I like popcorn a soda and a hot dog when I go to the movies.
Sometimes I just don't know what to say......
Then he tells me that the best birthday present for a 40th birthday is a card with $40 in it given to him at the movie theater.
I didn't say a word. We hung up and tomorrow I guess I take his wife and him to the movies.
That night I call my mother's husband to wish him a happy father's day. She answers the phone. She asked me if I had been invited to the party. I said not until my brother invited me the night before. She then said she had wanted to invite me but wasn't sure how to do it since she had never thrown me a birthday party.
I don't know how I feel about that to be honest. On one hand it does show me that she knows on the other hand it still smarts.

So.. tomorrow I go to the movies with a brother who is going to hound me for money. Who doesn't hear that I don't have any. Who told me that "you get unemployment you have lots more money then I do so you should cough it up for your only brother"

Family is so much fun right?

The Dad visit is going... differently

2010-06-18T12:48:00.000-07:00

I took them for a drive around their old neighborhood and came home to a cat who had diarrhea.

This is just not going the greatest.

Add in the fact that Obama is to blame for everything bad in the world... the constant smoking lectures and I am pretty uptight lol

More when I have time.

I need to go sweep and mop and change kitty litter and wash a cats poop covered ass. Not to mention I need to run to the store to get food for dinner.

YAY!!!!

So you think you can dance....plus more

2010-06-17T10:12:00.000-07:00

Today my dad comes to visit. He is bringing his wife. I have to admit the closer it gets the more nervous I am getting lol. I am sure everything will be all right but...I am still nervous.
I have found myself walking around the house and yard making sure everything is as perfect as I can make it. I don't know why I feel that need. I don't judge people on what things look like. But I guess I feel people will judge me that way. Strange.

Sooooooo... SYTYCD review.
I love the fact that I know absolutely nothing about dance except what feels good to me and I am judging these peoples dances lol

AND yes I am a big nerd and took notes!!

First off Kat.. oh Kat (the announcer) what is up with that bun on top of your head. It looks kind of like the bride of Frankenstein. And pair that with a toga style dress.. It just didn't work sorry.

Billy - (one of the two perfect boys)- Jazz - Well first off I liked his hair a thousand times better then normal. He danced to footloose but it came off more as a teeny bopper Grease performance. Totally cutesy. I feel bad for him because he is one hell of a dancer but this totally didn't show him off at all.

Cristina (Salsa Girl) - contemporary by Sonya - They called this a snake dance. The movements were kind of cool and the song was pretty interesting too. I think she did really well. I liked it.

Jose (B boy) - Hip hop - Well he was pretty lucky to almost get exactly his own style. It was a Twilight/werewolf production lol. I enjoyed it. The woman he was dancing with jumped up and wrapped herself around his head. It was pretty amazing.

Adechike (don't have a nickname) - This was suppose to be a fantasy. A man sitting in his office when a beautiful woman comes in and he goes off into la la land. Well his partner sizzled with sex. Him... not so much. I got the feeling that she scared him lol. It didn't do it for me.

Melinda (tap girl) - Jive - I felt sorry for her. She is tall and gawky. This will be harsh but she reminds me of Alice the Goon. That was only half her problem. She was paired with a man who had the most perfect ass I have ever seen in my life!! I couldn't seem to tear my eyes away from him. With all that... they had no chemistry.

Alex (second half of the perfect boys) - Contemporary - This totally didn't do it for me. I found it to slow. Yes it showed off how great a dancer this guy actually is but the whole thing was just flat for me. Then the judges started gushing about how wonderful it was and I began to wonder if I just watched the same thing.

Alexie (tiny girl) - Hip Hop - This dance had a "boyfriend" crawl through a window. It was super slow for me. It was fun to watch but very very slow and not a normal hip hop.

Lauren (Happy Girl) - The props crack me up. This time it was a couple sitting on a couch and the guy makes a move. They jumped all over that couch. The woman has some LEGS let me tell you lol. It was kind of fun to watch.

Kent (Farm boy) - Cha Cha - OH NO the farm boy has to do a cha cha!!! This dance was so dang fun to watch. His lips were pursed like a carp. He swivelled his hips like a pro. It was like watching your younger brother pretend to be a man. When the dance was over and he started talking he actually made me laugh out loud. I love this kid. He is my favorite personality.

Ashley - contemporary - This dance was suppose to be about love. However I felt none of that. I found it rather boring.

Robert (Dark haired dude with the loud mouth) - African Jazz - Ok first off.. Wtf is African Jazz... Never mind I freaking LOVE African Jazz lol. It was super exciting. Fun. High energy. I totally 100% enjoyed that. Please keep your mouth shut at the end guy because that is what turned me off last time... oh he cried.

So who should go home... Either Adechike or Melinda

Ok I got to go finish getting ready for my dad. Wish me luck.

And here comes my Dad....and Deadliest Catch

2010-06-16T12:18:00.000-07:00

So my father and his wife are coming to visit me tomorrow. They just called to say they will be staying two days instead of one. I have no idea what the hell we are going to do!
Now don't get my wrong I love my dad but I don't spend a lot of time with him. In fact this will be the most time I have spent with him....ever I think. My mother and father divorced when I was around 3 and I ended up with my mother. I generally saw dad on holidays. In fact that is pretty much the only time I see him to this day. I have lived in this house for going on twenty years. This is the first visit he has made.
So what the hell are we going to talk about? What are we going to do? Are we going to be bored to death or will everything be fine? I just don't know.
I feel like an ass thinking like this. I should be all excited but instead I am a bit Leary.
I am spending today cleaning the rest of the house and washing the bedding in the spare room. It feels like all I have done for the past few days is clean. I am tired of cleaning.

Last night I watched Deadliest Catch. As I posted before I have no freaking clue how I started watching a reality tv show about Alaskan crab fishermen but I did. And I have been watching it for years and years now. For some reason I really really like it too. During the off season one of the captains died. Captain Phil. So this entire season has been hard to watch. Seeing him so alive and working so hard and waiting for the fall of a great man. See it has been said he told the Discovery channel to film all of it. The stroke, the hospital, and his death aftermath. He said it was reality and so they should show the reality of life. I know that next weeks show is his stroke.
Anyway, last night he started to get woozy. His vision blurred. And I sat there with tears in my eyes thinking oh crap oh crap. He walked downstairs to get some pain medication and busted his son stealing some of it. The next few minutes was some of the most heart wrenching stuff I have ever seen. He yelled and screamed at his son. Called him a thief and a liar. Told him he wanted him out of his life.
The only thing I kept thinking was oh crap this kid and his father are having a monster fight right before he died.
Then the son kept talking about being sick and he needed the medication. Phil said something doesn't add up why are you so sick. Jake (the son) then leans in super close to his dad and says.. "I'm a addict"
That was the end of the show.
It set me back. I mean holy crap. They didn't know at the time that Phil was about to die but I do. All I could do was sit there thinking My God that poor kid is about to go through more hell then just being a addict. He is going to go through his life thinking this fight killed his dad.

And yes... I get WAY TOO involved in my tv!

Speaking of which I hope I have time to post my review for SYTYCD tomorrow before my father gets here lol.

Tale of the toilet part 2

2010-06-15T13:14:00.000-07:00

So let me finish yesterdays story.

The water was a inch deep. The bathroom rug was completely underwater. I walked into (YES EWWW) the water to turn off the water main and it still kept flowing. By now I am freaking out. I grab more towels (again EWWW) and put them in front of the doorway. See the hallway is pergo while the bathroom is tile. So flood away bathroom just don't come out in the hallway.
About the time I was going to lose my mind the water stopped flowing. I stood there just staring and wondering what in the hell do I do now. I have a bathroom that has over a inch of standing water in it. So I grabbed my mop and a bucket.
It was at this point I saw that the garage sink was filled with black goo too. So
I started sucking up the water in the bathroom with my mop. Suck suck suck, empty bucket, suck suck suck , empty bucket. Over and over and over again. It took a hell of a long time and I was sweaty and filthy.
I called the honey and told him what had happened. He told me to call a plumber. So I did.
While waiting I finished sucking the water off the floor. I noticed that the sink, toilet and tub were filled with the black goo. Which of course means the kitchen sink would be too.
At this point I felt like crying.
The plumber finally arrived. (9:58am) After figuring out what he thought was the problem he started to try to remove a plug from a drain under my sink. (not a clog but a actual drain plug.) It was stuck. He tried and tried and tried to get the plug off. It wouldn't come. So he called in back up. Two more plumbers come.(1:13 pm) They pound away with hammers. Then bring out freaking power tools and cut off the plug. The whole time I am standing there thinking CRAP. It had now been about 3 hours I think.
Those two leave after breaking the plug and leaving a gapping hole in the pipe under my sink. My first guy runs a snake and it gets stuck. He tries again and again and again. It won't go anywhere.
In the meantime the honey keeps calling me. He is getting increasing pissed off. I am frazzled. I can't pee. I am covered in ewwww. I am tired from lack of sleep.
Then the plumber turns to me and says I can't do it. So are you going to pay me?
What? Wait! You can't fix it and you are going to leave? Now?

I lost it. I was so nice all day. I was mellow. But when the plumber said he couldn't fix it and was I going to pay him.... I lost it.

It is kind of blurry... I remember standing in the kitchen pointing at the sink and yelling. Is it fixed? Can I go to the bathroom without it over flowing? You want me to pay you and it is the exact same as when you came except for THE GIANT HOLE UNDER MY SINK.

He said he understood and I could just pay him half.
*snort. RIGHT
I told him FIX THIS RIGHT NOW OR FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN!! AND NO I AM NOT PAYING YOU!
So the 4th plumber arrived. (2:49pm)
He came in with some kind of fancy snake thing. He set himself up in my kitchen and proceeded to snake the pipe. His worked and he left to get a new plug for the drain. The original plumber starts putting back together my kitchen sink. Only he can't. Because now it leaks. Bad. So when plumber #4 comes back Plumber #1 explains the problem. Plumber#4 replaces the brand new plastic pipe that the honey had installed to replace the metal pipe that he hated around 4 months ago with a metal pipe.
At this point I didn't care. My sinks and tub and bathroom are still coated in goo. I still haven't been able to go to the bathroom.
(4:45pm) The honey pulls up just as the plumbers were finally dragging the last of their stuff out the door. He of course sits outside talking shop with them.

me... I walked the house to see what needed to be done now that I had water. The first thing was clean up all the black goo and dirt from the cupboards under my kitchen sink. The second was replace all of the stuff that I removed from under the sink. The third was clean up all the black goo in the garage, the bathroom and the kitchen.
But the first thing. WASH MY HANDS!!!! And Pee!!!! And then wash my hands another 20 some odd times.
The honey walked in and asked if we were going to eat dinner. Let's just say I almost killed him on the spot and I am pretty damn sure a jury would have let me off lol.
I spent the remainder of the evening cleaning with bleach. And today... I am going back over everything with bleach.
FUN STUFF right?

Plumbing problems from hell

2010-06-14T20:52:00.000-07:00

Kept me busy all day long. After not sleeping all night long..

Imagine this.... wandering around until almost 3am because you can't sleep. Nothing you do helps you want to sleep. Finally at 3 you get pissed off and go lay down only to stare at the ceiling. The next morning construction workers wake you up at oh dark thirty. So there you are standing with your cup of coffee. Your eyes are like sandpaper. You are kind of wobbly... you decide.. HEY I might as well start that load of laundry I stuffed in the washer yesterday.
So you drag your happy ass into the garage and turn on the washer. With your cup of coffee that you have only taken about three sips of you sit your butt in the chair in front of the computer to wake up.
BLUP BLUP BLUP
What in the hell was that? I get up and walk into the bathroom and see giant bubbles in my toilet... then it stops.
In my brain dead mind I turned back around and sat back down thinking WTF.
BLURP BLUB BLUB BLUB
I get back up and walk into the bathroom just in time to see the clear bubbling water in my freaking toilet turn dark brown... then black... then begin to pour out of the toilet onto the floor.
At this point I am pretty sure I looked like this....

I grabbed everything I could and shoved it in front of the door. Towels, clothes anything fabric that I had within reach. And the water kept coming.
I was freaking out.
The water was now literally an inch deep.

and I am to freaking tired so you have to wait until tomorrow for the rest of the story lol

So you think you can dance....

2010-06-11T12:58:00.001-07:00

I have a tv habit. One of my habits is watching So you think you can dance. So be prepared to hear my opinions on it since I can't shut up lol
After watching last night I have a feel of how it is going to go. Sort of.

The first thing I noticed was the "all stars" are going to be a distraction. I don't think it is going to work the way they think it is. I want to watch people who are competing. I feel like having the all stars in the mix just confuses things.

My opinions on last nights show... sorry but you have to deal with my nicknames until I get their real names lol.

Dance #1 had farmboy Kent and happy blond girl. These two are my favorite personality wise. The dance was different and made you watch. I kept getting confused as to who was who as they danced but all in all it was funky and fun.

Dance #2 had tap girl and some other girl.... I was bored out of my mind to the point I almost forgot about this dance.

Dance #3 had beat boy dread dude.. I like him. I really really enjoyed the beginning of the dance. After that it was more like a free for all. To many dancers that were not competing.

Dance #4 Had salsa girl. I have to admit that I didn't watch to much of her because I was distracted by the perfect abs on the male dancer.. who again was not part of the competition!

Dance #5 Had Billy and Alex. Wow. This was my favorite of the night. Both of those men are incredible. They need to perk up the personality a bit to match their skills and they could go all the way to the end. LOVED this dance.

Dance #6 I have no idea who was competing due to the number of dancers. I do know that the dark haired man was part of it. I was sort of disappointed in the dance. The song screamed out freak but the dancers didn't bring freak. It was just ok for me. The dark haired dude totally turned me off with his blabber mouth at the end though.

Does anyone else watch this? If you don't I totally think you all should start watching so you know what I am talking about LMAO

Empathy

2010-06-10T13:14:00.000-07:00

This blog world is a weird and wonderful thing. As I was reading blogs and a board I visit every day one of my buddies said something about a wiener dog race. That pushed a button in my mind and reminded me that I needed to look at a blog I hadn't looked at in a while.
Remember how I switched computers and lost everything? Well she was one of them. I used to read her daily and was completely excited to go read what I had missed.
I missed a lot it seems.
Her son at the age of twenty committed suicide. I can't explain to you the sense of shock and disbelief that flowed through me. Here is this beautiful, healthy, happy kid gone in an instant. Here is a family that is going through a hell of their own.
He had a constant smile on his face and in his eyes.
It just slammed home the fact that we don't know what is going on inside of people.
My heart just bled.
I hurt for her. It was one of those rare times when you wish that you could reach through the computer and hug someone who you have never met.
Hallie is a freaking strong woman though. She took a tragedy and turned it into something more then just a tragedy. She made the tough choice to donate his organs so others could live. Tell me how much strength that must have taken. How much love she sent to random strangers she will never meet. In her hour of sadness she brought hope to others. Amazing woman.
She and her entire family plus some friends are joining in on Out of the Darkness Overnight.
“Out of the Darkness Overnight” is an 18-mile walk that will take place on June 26th-27th throughout the streets of Boston, beginning at dusk and continuing till dawn. This walk is to bring awareness to depression and suicide.
Each member of the team needs to fund raise $1000 in order to be able to walk this. Her team has raised above their goal BUT several members have not reached the thousand dollar mark in order to walk.
Here is the team page.

I sincerely wish that there was something more I could do to help this family. I wish there were words I could say that would ease pain for them. It is hard to feel so very helpless.

Tiny bites to get my mind in order and my blog flowing

2010-06-08T10:50:00.001-07:00

I don't know what is up with me. I can't seem to get in the flow lately. I walk around telling myself that I need to blog yet when I sit at the computer I end up doing everything else but blog lol.

My dogs are funny eaters. They take a bite of food then walk around and later come back and take another bite. This means the bowl stays pretty full all day. However, I decided they needed a different flavor. (I do this once in a while) Only this time I bought IAMS in the red bag. I had never bought it before but I hoped they would like it. Well... they seem to like it to much. In fact I have taken to calling it doggie crack. I fill the bowl and within 20 minutes the bowl is empty. They freaking LOVE it. Part of me is happy they like it so much while the other part of me is wondering if them liking it to much is a problem.

Somehow within the last week I have tweaked my shoulder. Tweaked it to the point I have a problem lifting anything with that arm. Thankfully it is my non dominant arm but still. It freaking hurts. I have no idea what I did to it but I sure wish it would go back to normal.

I need to make a appointment to get my boobs squished. I am completely procrastinating. I also need to make an appointment to find out why one of my ears is still hearing that damn wooshing heartbeat sound. It hasn't been the same since I had that double ear infection. And I still can't hear right. To the point the honey tells me I am talking to loud.

Within the last few weeks I have had some crazy dreams.
Dream #1
A friend of mine owned a huge HUGE house that was falling apart. She had inherited it. It was so crooked that if you put a ball on the floor it instantly went to the one side of the house. It was hard to walk through it. She considered it a lost cause (it was) so a group of us were all going through it to see what we could salvage. There were at least a hundred rooms with strange themes. One was a black and white checkerboard with about 30 pillars and black and white dice the size of watermelons. Others were plain with just a mattress on the floor. There were statues and normal stuff in all kinds of room. My friend was just going to let it fall down since it was mostly bank owned and way to damaged to fix.
We all gathered in a room to determine the best way to remove stuff without dying. From another room came a moan and there was suddenly a...... um.... man thing with some kind of cloak and bare chest standing in a hallway. It was not friendly. Some of my friends said it was a ghost so I went over and reached through the doorway to see and it grabbed me.
That is when I woke up.

Dream #2
First I had a baby.. well not had it.. but I had one with me. I needed diapers so someones uncle said they would take me while someone else watched the baby. However 5 minutes into the drive I realized he was drunk off his ass. He slammed us through a plate glass store front going pretty damn fast. I remember looking at him while I was covered in blood, he laughed and put the car in reverse to leave.
(dream switched)
The honey and I and another woman got in a huge fight in San Francisco. I got out of the truck to yell and He and the woman left me there. With bare feet and no purse. During some kind of city wide rave thing. Blinking lights everywhere.
I wandered around trying to find a phone so I could call Sazy to come get me. I finally was able to borrow a cell phone from a guy only to realize I had no idea what sazy's phone number was without my phone. I remembered my uncles phone number and it took almost 20 minutes of crying and yelling for him to believe me and say he would come get me. I thanked the cell phone guy... walked outside and as I stood there alone waiting for my uncle I ended up about as tall as the mothra girls.
That is when I woke up.

I have no idea what is going on with these dreams.

This job hunting SUCKS. And the media is not helping my piece of mind at all. Yesterday I read a article on how after 6 months your chances of landing a job drop by 48%. Ummm.... I am almost at a year here. This extension runs out in two checks. I am hopeful that I will get another extension but I would much much much rather get another job. I am beginning to grow moss. I am beginning to feel useless too.

A friend of mine is getting married in Lake Tahoe in August. I love Tahoe so going is not a problem. The problem is it is on a Sunday at 4pm. Tahoe is a four and half hour drive from my house. So if the honey is going to go he either needs to take Monday off or we need to drive home in the dark for 4 1/2 hours. Something I know he will not want to do.

The other day I purchased some books for my kindle. I started reading one of the books and realized I had pretty much purchased a soft core male on male porn novel. But can I tell you something? That book was FREAKING HOT as hell. It was so good that I bought a second one with the same type of story from the same author.
*fans self. Whoooo weeeee that book was smoking.

Ok. It is garbage day again. (everyone don't get so excited now) So I am off to the store to buy kitty litter and the makings of dinner. Then it is doggie bath time, laundry time, garbage removal time, and blah blah blah lol

WTF is wrong with people

2010-06-03T13:00:00.000-07:00

Seriously!

People seem to have lost all manners. They have lost the meaning of what is considered rude.

Here are just a few examples that have happened in the last couple of days.

Today I decided I get a treat. I was going to go buy a McDonald's hamburger. mmmmmm..... I haven't had one of those in a really really long time. So I hope in my car and drive to the closest drive through. As I pull up I see that the line (which is going away from me) is pretty long. So I drive through the parking lot and turn around so I am facing the right way and get into line.
I am about 6 cars back. No big deal right. After all this is my treat.
So I am sitting there waiting when another car comes from the direction I had just driven into the parking lot. But instead of driving around and getting in line this woman pulls along side the car in the front of the line and waits. Now there is no way in hell she didn't see the line. But regardless of the other cars waiting she deemed herself more important.
She actually shoves her car in front of the second car in line. If that car hadn't stopped she would have hit him.
I have to ask you... Was this ok? I mean because she was faced the opposite way as the line did the line not matter for her? Seriously WTF.

A few days ago we went to Costco. We loaded up the basket and headed towards the long lines. We are about 4th or 5th in line. No big deal after all when you go to costco you expect two things. A full basket that is going to cost you more then a hundred bucks and a long line right?
So the guy at the head of the line unloads his cart on the conveyor. The check out guy rings up his stuff and tells him how much it is. At this point he starts looking around and yelling for Mary.
Ok the wife must have the money right?
Nope.
About three minutes later here comes Mary with a giant cart filled to the top with stuff.
The guy then proceeds to hand the cashier each item in her cart.
Every person in the line was in shock. Now I can understand having two carts. Not a big deal. But to hold up an entire line to do your friends order after yours is complete when she wasn't even in line? Not freaking cool.
People were angry. Hell I was angry. Seriously WTF.

My grocery store has wonderful sweet people who work there. They remember your name. They remember details about previous conversations. They actually like their jobs. The woman in front of me the other day was yabbing on her cell phone.
The grocery clerk said hello and started to ring her up. She actually turned her back to her and continued to talk. And talk. AND TALK.
The grocery store clerk told her how much it was.
Talk talk talk.
She told her again.
Talk talk talk.. with her back to her.
The third time I actually got pissed. I tapped the lady and told her that she was done and maybe she could deal with what she was doing before she talked anymore.
Without a word to me or the clerk but plenty more to her phone she paid and left.
Seriously WTF

I hate that we live like this. That some people are so full of themselves that they feel they can get away with shit like that.
What is wrong with these people? Are they really that blind? Have we really created a society where it is ok to be an ass? UGH

Can someone just please go clean up the oil

2010-06-02T15:43:00.000-07:00

Seriously what is it going to take for someone to just shut up, step up to the plate and try to do something. I understand that this is something no one has dealt with before but instead of sitting on our asses waiting for the leak to be plugged before the clean up efforts start maybe we should get up and do something.
Nationwide. Get everyone involved. Pay people to clean!
We are in the middle of one of the worst crisis's ever and people are having meetings and pointing fingers. Do that shit after the problem is taken care of.
I understand that BP had the well. That the well was owned by some other company. Who gives a flying fuck.
We as a nation including our government need to step up and do anything and everything we can. Hurricane season is coming quickly. Things are about to get a hundred times worse.
Animals and birds and who knows what the hell else is dying. The oil has reached the coastline.
Why are we waiting for BP to purchase the booms that stop the oil? Send the damn things now and decide later who pays for them. Hell how about this concept... Donate the damn things.
I don't understand the attitude in regards to this. Congressional hearings? WTF
Just get the freaking job done.
That oil isn't just floating on the top people. It is sinking to the bottom too. It isn't just floating or sinking either. It is grabbed up in the current and dragged all over hell and gone. We are looking at something that is going to plague us for years and years to come.
Hire me to go clean. I will. I am unemployed and if you were hiring I would go in a heartbeat. Take over a few hotels (compensated properly) and house all of us who are willing and able to stand on a freaking beach with a bag and a oil grabber.
UGH this frustrates me to no end!!!

What do you do about something like this!

2010-06-01T14:36:00.000-07:00

This is a sinkhole that opened up in Guatemala. They are estimating it to be over 30 stories deep.
It has all ready eaten a three story building and a house. And as you can see it is right in the middle of town.
Do you try to fill that up? How the hell much stuff would you have to put in there before it got full? Do you leave it alone? If you do does it eat the neighborhood one building at a time as it gets bigger. And it sure looks like it would get bigger.
If you work in the building next to the sinkhole do you continue to go to work? Do you work in fear of being swallowed?
Do you build some kind of concrete cover for it knowing that the ground underneath is gone? Could be eroding as you stand there.

I find it incredibly interesting that these extremely large sinkholes seem to be popping up everywhere.

I think they should bring back the hut.

2010-05-27T13:35:00.001-07:00

The menstrual hut that is. My buddies and I always crack jokes around the time we get our period. Gotta go in the hut.
Have you heard of them?
Many different civilizations used to (some still do) utilize things called the menstrual huts. See, bleeding was thought of a bad. Taboo. Women who were bleeding were not to be touched or seen. Anything they touched needed to be burned because bad spirits went into them. On the other hand some menstrual huts were built out of respect for the woman.
In either case when the woman went into the hut all her daily duties ended for that period. She could take knitting or what ever she wanted to do into the hut. Food was prepared and brought to her. She could choose to do something or choose to do nothing.

Think about that for a second. Apply it to now.

Imagine that for 3 days or 8 days or however long your period (if you are female) lasts you get to go away from all of everyday problems.
At that first sign you drive to the beach (don't mind me my hut will be on the beach.... or in the middle of a forest by a river....)
anywooo...
So you drive to the hut. Either there are other women there or it is empty. At the doorway you leave everything behind. You don't have to worry about bills. Or cooking or cleaning.
You help yourself to the chocolate in the bowls scattered around... or the salted nuts....Or ice cream.
You can read or watch tv or play on the internet.
Someone brings you freshly made breakfast, lunch and dinner.
There are fresh flowers all around.
Fuzzy blankets and lots of midol.
When you are done you drive home and wait until the next time.
Wouldn't that make a period something you almost look forward to?

So I say yes!! Bring back the hut!!! I don't need it yet but when I do... I would love to have one to go to.

By the way last night I took a stupid sleeping pill.. and you know what? I still couldn't freaking sleep and I woke up around 45 minutes earlier UGH

This sleep issue is getting to me

2010-05-26T12:14:00.001-07:00

For the past two weeks I haven't been able to sleep well. I have no idea what is going on but really I think it is past time it stopped.
I dread the lights turning off and the tv turned off. That is the point where I lay there with my eyes wide open staring at the ceiling.
Night after night I am wide awake. When I do fall asleep I toss and turn and turn and toss waking myself up over and over again. I get to hot. Then I get to cold. Then the blankets itch or my leg itches or UGH! You get the picture.
This happens every night. It has gotten to the point where I don't want the lights to turn off.
I have cut off sugar and caffeine before bedtime. But nothing seems to work.
And to top it off every morning I wake up at 8:52. It doesn't matter if I lay there until 4:30am not sleeping I am awake at 8:52.
The lack of sleep is making me edgy.
I have sleep medication but for some reason I am a bit hesitant to take it. I feel as though I am pretty well borderline depressed (if not all the way!) and taking a sleeping pill when depressed brings up to many weird death images in my head. You know the whole get depressed and take sleeping pills to die scenario.
I am so far from that it is not even funny but a part of me says no way to the sleeping medication anyway.
I have no idea what the hell that means. I guess I am just weird.
Something has got to give though. I can't stand it anymore. Let me tell you my ceiling is pretty damn boring.
I suppose it will get to the point where a sleeping pill will be necessary but I am hopeful that it won't.
Funny how when I was feeling normal taking a sleeping pill was fine.
I guess I am weird.

Anywhooooo.

Today I applied for a job. I know exciting right LMAO! Not like I don't do that every day.
BUT!!!
The job I applied for....I am fully qualified for it. It is in the estimating department of a large construction firm. It isn't a estimator position but it is a Estimating admin position.
This is the first job in a long time that I applied for that I hope I get a call for.
So cross your fingers people. I really need a job. And it was totally strange to actually get excited over a job posting. That hasn't happened in a long long time.

Tiny bites

2010-05-25T10:32:00.000-07:00

I can't for the life of me find that dang list of blogs I wanted to do. In fact since my grandmother left I can't seem to find any paperwork that I wrote notes on. It is making me insane since I am a psycho note maker.
I know the little piles of paper probably drove my grandmother nutso but I am going nutso without the piles SHEESH!!!

I have decided that the Lost finale was like a brand new bottle of wine you have never tasted before.
The first sip you wonder was that a bit bitter? Did it go down wrong? I can't believe I am not sure if I like this or not.....
The second sip however... you realize how good the wine actually is. That it is actually a perfect bottle. That it was exactly what you didn't know you wanted.
I all ready miss Lost.
Yesterday was strange. I walked around in a kind of fog. Pretty sad actually. It took me a while to realize that I was grieving people I never met, who weren't real. But I was. I lived with these people for 6 years on my friend the tv. It was almost like losing family members... I KNOW!!! Weird right?

I have to admit it. I am fully addicted to a game on facebook. Treasure madness. I am currently on 217. I KNOW! Now is when I try to addict you lol.
Here is the blurb about the game. (stolen from elsewhere)
Treasure Madness offers up an interesting mashup of map exploration and mini-games. As the name suggests this game is all about accumulating treasure, and like any good treasure you’re going to need to dig for it. A seemingly endless supply of treasure maps are available with each of these maps being made up of so many diggable squares. Using your shovel you’ll dig in each of these squares and uncover either a mini-game, a chest full of gold, a tasty treat, or an empty hole full of disappointment.

The mini-games borrow liberally from a number of other games, providing quick minute of games like Tetris, Memory, Bejeweled and Pachinko. After all – the mini-games are really just a means to an end, and we just want to get our hands on that sweet sweet treasure.

Successfully completing a mini-game will award you with the artifact that was buried alongside it. The game seems to be a bottomless well of cool and unique artifact's, but what you’ll instantly take note of is how each of these artifacts belongs to a set. Collect all 5 artifact's in the set and you can cash them in for a top notch bonus.

Trying to build sets becomes to main objective of Treasure Madness, but there’s a great deal of gameplay that will help you to get there. Buying and exploring different maps, acquiring the right tools to dig in the right circumstances, and tackling a variety of mini-games should be enough to keep anyone entertained. But Treasure Madness also has a unique social element that puts a fantastic twist on the generic gifting you’ll see in other Facebook fare. Instead of gifting decorative items that serve no real purpose, you’ll be able to gift any of the artifacts that you’ve uncovered to help your friends complete their collections. How will you know what they need? Every player can create a wishlist to let their friends know what they’re on the hunt for. It’s a great touch and an excellent way to give social gift-giving in games a real sense of purpose.

I LOVE THIS GAME!!!!

I used to play Farmville and a few others but this game is pretty much the only one I have really stuck with. I think it keeps my brain sharp. And the higher up in levels you go the more time you have to play. In the beginning you don't have so much time. I think that probably frustrates some people into not playing anymore. But I LOVE LOVE LOVE this game lol

I still have no job prospects. What else is new right lol.

I spent most of the weekend planting flowers along the new fence. Something about having a brand new beautiful fence made me want to make it look more beautiful.

Ok. It is garbage day.... and I need to dig a little on my game *blushes.... So more tomorrow!!!

The end of Lost

2010-05-24T14:31:00.000-07:00

I watched this series from the beginning. I followed every twist and turn... I mean mostly lost but still I watched. Last night as I lay in bed watching the finale I was thinking YES!! This is great.

Then they entered the church. Then Jacks dad opened his mouth. That is when my brain shut off.

I couldn't sleep for a long time. I couldn't figure out if I just watched the second best finale ever (Six feet under was the best) or if I was totally ripped off.
Did the writers just tell me that Lost = people in limbo making stuff up in order to redeem themselves enough to go into heaven? That everyone I had just watched were dead from the beginning? That the island never happened? Or did it happen and the sideways world was limbo?
My brain raced into the wee hours of the morning until I finally fell asleep.

This morning.... I still don't know what to feel. There is a part of me that embraces the fact that this group of people waited for each other to ascend.
There is another part of me that is kind of pissed off. With questions.
Like...
Why was Penny in the church?
Why wasn't Vincent in the church?
Where was Richard? Did he actually exist at all?
Blah blah blah.....

So I think I will watch this episode again. Maybe then I can make up my mind if I enjoyed the ending or not.

Although.. regardless.... Best regular tv show ever!!

I have to admit to being a tad bit weepy today....

Today is a down day

2010-05-21T14:15:00.000-07:00

One of those days where the poor me sign hangs over your head. I am frustrated and tired of my job search. I am tired of looking every day for a job to apply to. I am tired of every day applying to multiple jobs. I am tired that regardless of how many resumes I send out per day I hear nothing back.
This entire job search for the last 10 months has elicited 5 no thank you responses, 2 interviews and one really fucked up 3 week job. I can't even imagine how many resumes I have sent out. If I had sent out one a day, figuring 30 days in a month that would be 300 resumes. And I know for a fact that there were many many many many days where I sent out over 5 or more.
I am at my wits end. I don't know what to do. There is a huge part of me that is just ready to give up. To just stop looking. But as we all know in real life that is just not possible.
I am tired. Kind of depressed and just totally frustrated.
The main issue for me is that there is nothing more I can do. I can't make them hire me. I can't make them look at my resume. I can't do any more then search job boards, look at company websites and put myself out there in hopes that someday someone might accidentally look at my resume and think HEY.. maybe.
UGH!!
You know I freaking hate the whole poor me attitude that I have lately. I really need to suck it up and put on my big girl panties and keep on chugging along. But god damn it is so freaking hard right now.
sigh....

The death of a grocery store

2010-05-20T14:03:00.001-07:00

In my neighborhood there is a little grocery store. It isn't a big chain like Safeway or Luckys but around here it is pretty well known. I have shopped there for 20 years now. I have gotten to know some of the long timers pretty darn well.
A few months ago I started noticing a empty space in the shelves here and there. I figured they missed a shipment or something. But the empty spaces... they grew. And grew. AND GREW.
Until I was walking through aisles that looked like this.

I asked over and over again what is going on. Are you going to make it. There were excuse after excuse.
I still go. (Yes it is still open) I want to support them and I really hope that they get going again. Which in this economy... I just don't know.
Being unemployed I know how hard it is to get a job. These people have been working at this store for years. One even said he was going to retire early even though he didn't want to if the store didn't perk up in the next few weeks. So I figure my purchase of bread or what ever they have might help save a job. I mean you never know.
The shelves are a little fuller then that today but still no where near full. I admit to doing my shopping elsewhere most of the time since they seem to be out of one or two things I need every time. But if I only need one or two things I will stop there with my fingers crossed that they have them.
I feel for the employees. They are so worried and down. They want so badly for the store to turn around. I want that for them too.

My poor little store. :(

Was it a scam?

2010-05-18T12:18:00.000-07:00

So yesterday like normal I sent out what seems like a million resumes. But low and behold a hour later the phone rings. It is a answer to one of the resumes I sent out.
I talk to this guy for around 5 minutes and he asks me for the phone numbers for my references and gives me his website to visit. I couldn't find the reference paper so I asked if I could call him back. He said sure.
So I peek at his website. It is for a temp agency I have never heard of. A really simple web page actually.
I find the reference paper and call him back to give him the phone numbers. It is at this point I find out that the job ends in December.
Hmmm a temp job that ends in December. I guess it is better then no job right?
Then he tells me to fax over my social security card and drivers license. We get off the phone.

Well I walked around the house almost excited but a little wary. The more I thought about it the more wary I got. The only thing I know about this company is what this random man on the phone told me. The simple website. And they want me to just fax over my personal identification. Without asking to meet me?
The more I thought about it the more uneasy I got.

Yes.... I need a job. Badly.

But not badly enough to send personal information like that just willy nilly.
So I didn't send it.
The guy hasn't called me today either.

I think I may have dodged a bullet.... maybe.

I wonder how many people would just send that over without thinking about it.

Tiny/big Bites to get caught up

2010-05-17T12:12:00.000-07:00

It has been a few days since I took grandma home. I have to admit that I kind of miss her. We played cards every night. We went places during the day. We watched tv together. We laughed and just had a great time. Now it is back to normal. Me sitting home during the day alone. I am a bit lonely for my grandma lol.

My cat is driving me insane. within the last two weeks she has discovered her "big" voice. A incredibly loud and annoying meow that pretty much echoes off the walls. She walks around the house meowing at nothing. She stands in the kitchen meowing. She stands in the hall way meowing. In the bathroom, in the computer room, in the cats room, in the living room. Pretty much constantly. The most annoying thing is the 2am, 3am, 2:30 am, etc time when she stands in the doorway of our bedroom and meows... over and over again.
I have no idea how to get her to stop it and the honey is getting pretty damn angry. To be honest I don't blame him it is VERY LOUD.
She has water. She has food. She is a happy cat. I think that she found this new voice and it made her all excited. I honestly wish she would shut the hell up though. All day long she meows. All night long she meows. The only time she doesn't meow is if I pick her up.
Ummm I cannot hold a cat all day long and seriously I can't sleep with the cat wrapped around my face which is the only place she likes to lay with me in the bed lately.

I am beginning to get frustrated and sad again regarding my job search. It is kind of funny how it goes in phases. Hope, frustration, sadness, hope.... I am running out of unemployment again also. I have exactly 4 more checks. I have no idea if I get a second extension or not. But I am beginning to feel like a damn mootch.
Every day I look for a job. Every day I send out resumes. Every day Every day EVERY DAY. In July I will have been out of work for a year. A FUCKING YEAR! Well... minus the three weeks I worked for the stupid company that laid me off.
I am beginning to feel pretty scared and helpless here. All I want is a job. I just want to wake up and go to work. But I guess I am exactly like the thousands and thousands of other people in California.
I keep reading about other people who have been out of work for a year or more and my palms start to sweat.
I have this gut feeling that people are either looking at me in pity or thinking I am just slacking off not looking for a job. Neither feeling is good. And the little comments "you gotta apply to be able to get a job" while maybe not mean spirited really do kick me in the teeth. I am applying. That comment which has been made by more then one person shows me that they think I am sitting on my ass doing nothing. I wish I could show them how many jobs I have applied for.
I no longer get hopeful as I send out my resume. I used to in the beginning. You know that "oh this sounds like a job I would really enjoy!" I don't have that anymore. Instead it is just another resume sent out into la la land.
I can't make someone give me a job no matter how much I want to. But God I seriously need a job. It is beginning to depress me. I am beginning to get incredibly embarrassed about not having a job.

My Sharks hockey team made it through yet another set! WOO HOO!!! Now we just have to beat the Chicago Blackhawks. We lost game one but it is best of seven so I have hope.

I got my tickets to the Wall tour. WOOT!!! The show is in December so I have a long wait. The show was sold out in less then 20 minutes so I feel incredibly lucky to have gotten the tickets.

My house is a mess. With Grandma, a three year old birthday party and everything else that has gone on cleaning hasn't been a top priority. I am going to fix that today... I hope lol

We had a new fence installed between us and the yelling idiot neighbors. The fence has been falling down for years. In fact it had gotten so bad that sitting in the backyard you could see the neighbors. I could no longer open my side window blinds because slats had fallen out and I would look directly into their window and them into ours. We had to block off that section of the yard to the dogs or they would have escaped.
They came into some money due to the death of his sister so they finally agreed to split the cost of the fence. Something we had asked them for years to do. We jumped on the chance and now we have a nice solid fence with no need to look at the neighbors anymore. It is so nice.

I have a few posts planned. In fact I wrote them on a notepad by the computer so I wouldn't forget. I must have about 8 different notepads. I am a list maker lol.

Off to clean the house. And read some posts from you all in between.

Out of town taking grandma home

2010-05-11T17:33:00.000-07:00

I had a great visit with my grandmother.She stayed for almost 10 days. We visited Moss Landing, Santa Cruz, the lakes, the cemetery, old homes family members lived in and a few other things. We got ravioli, two cakes and lots of other nummy things.
But now it is time for her to go home.. and that means I will be out of town. Until Thursday.
I expect to blog on Friday I think...

Words

2010-05-07T15:08:00.000-07:00

You know life online can be funny. You can have a group of friends that you talk to for years yet in one single moment everything changes. One comment can turn things into something you can't believe happens.
A simple opinion can bring out animosity that has been harbored for a long time. One quick comment can change the entire dynamic of a message board.
There lies the problem of the written word. You can't see facial expressions or body language. Instead you just see what is written. So very easily misinterpreted. So very easy to take offense.
It is a strange and wonderful thing to talk to virtual strangers for years. You become friends. Regardless of the fact that you have never met them they become important to you. When something goes wrong it affects you just like a "real" relationship would affect you.
That happened to me yesterday. In an instant I had offended someone. It was an comment on how I felt personally. It was not meant to offend yet it did.
I have to admit I fell back onto my personal Nemesis and bit back. I asked why they always felt the need to... for better words... pick on me.
My mistake was that. To make it personal. To bite before being bitten.
Instead my bite provoked a bunch of bites in a personal message to me. Personal bites. Bites that ripped pretty damn deep. Her opinion of me shocked the hell out of me. Took what I believed I was and pretty much said I wasn't that. That I was judgemental, opinionated, harsh, critical, insensitive and insulting. It was like a slap in the face. I mean really who wants to find out that that is how someone sees you?
Now it has snowballed so damn far out of control I have no idea what to do besides back off. Stay away for a while.
This is a bummer for me. I care for these people but right now I think my feelings are hurt.
I wanted to tell the person exactly what I thought as she had told me but I tried to be better then that. I made the personal attack mistake once. I didn't want to strike back the way I had felt attacked... maybe the way she had felt attacked. I wanted to though. So very badly. There are things that need to be out in the open but I am just not going there.
Instead... Instead I am just going to shut up. I am going to pull it together and take the hurt feelings I have and shove them so far deep that maybe they won't fester.
I wish there was a way out of this stupid mess.

Yikes

2010-05-06T15:47:00.000-07:00

$1,177 to fix my tooth.

They agreed to allowing me to pay half upon service and the rest in payments.

I have to tell you I am a freaking idiot by the way. I need to get a hold of my emotions better. The poor dentist tells me how much it would cost and my eyeballs filled up with water. I guess I was kind of hoping they could just fill it for around $500 bucks total.
Once my eyeballs filled with water I could no longer talk right. You know that whole throat closing thing. I tried my freaking damndest to knock it off. But once it starts I can't seem to control it.
So there I sat in the chair with my voice quivering and my eyeballs threatening to spill over unable to look at the stupid dentist who I am sure thinks I am some kind of nutcase.
I of course lost the fight with my eyeballs as I was escorted out of the room and into the lobby where I had to talk money and times.
It is mortifying to me that I couldn't control it.
Standing at the counter trying to be the adult I am discussing finances while tears leak out was just horrible.
I get my tooth fixed in July. They will allow me to pay half then and then make payments that we will figure out then.
Now I just need to figure out where the money will come from. Hopefully I can save it and stay away from the OMG EMERGENCY and once you spend this you are fucking screwed money I have socked away.

Have I mentioned how much I hate the dentist?

2010-05-05T14:34:00.000-07:00

No... it isn't hate it is downright fear. More then fear it is terror.
Again this stems from my childhood when I had Dr. Dawson. Yes, I even remember his name.
The man had to be 90 years old and he shook. A lot. A LOT! So much shaking that when he was drilling it was completely normal for him to drill off the tooth and into your lip, cheek or gums.
I lived in mortal fear of going to visit him and that has passed on over into my adulthood.
As soon as I step foot into the dentists office I start to shake. I shake to the point where people notice I am shaking. That and the paleness that takes over my face makes me look like I am on the verge of passing out..... which actually to be totally 100% honest I am. The fine coating of sweat doesn't help either I am sure.
Why am I telling you about my death fear of dentists? Because yesterday while eating a stupid fruit snack I felt a piece of my tooth come out. A big piece. A large enough piece that I knew instantly I was going to have to go to the dentist.
If only the fear was the only issue I have. But of course it isn't.
See what seems like a million years ago now but in actuality it was only 6 years ago. I think or it might have been 5 I decided that fear would not be an issue. I was going to the dentist and I was going to get everything fixed. See I come from a family who has bad teeth. Not crooked and ugly but teeth that get cavities very easy. Soft enamel I think the dentist called it.
So I spent 4 months getting 4 million things taken care of. That meant going to the dentist every 2 to three weeks. After insurance took care of their portion I owed out of pocket $4000.
I KNOW!
But I was so damn happy my mouth was perfect.
But I owed $4000. I have been making payments since then. My latest bill is for $678.00. I am almost done!!
See that... Almost done. :(
Now I have to go get something fixed.
And I have no dental insurance.

So there are my issues. I have to go back to a dentist that I still owe money to from a million years ago, with no insurance.
I am embarrassed that I still owe them money.
I am embarrassed that I have no insurance.
I am embarrassed to go to the dentist.... tomorrow at 1pm.
Add the fear to that combo and I just might actually pass out tomorrow.

This sucks :(

Removing clutter

2010-05-03T13:48:00.000-07:00

I am a pack rat. Yup I 100% know for a fact that I am. BUT I am a pack rat hider. That means regular surfaces are clean with just a few knick knacks here and there but drawers and closets....watch out. I fill those suckers to the brim. Don't get me wrong they aren't filled with garbage they are filled with things. Things like toys or espresso makers or fountains or just general things.
It took me a long time to figure out why I couldn't throw away things. It stems from my childhood. We moved a lot when I was young. A LOT! Like a minimum of once a year. And a lot of times it was HURRY, throw what ever you can in the car we are leaving type moves. This means out of everything that we owned all most all got left behind. Over and over again this happened.
Now in my adulthood and my stability I can't seem to throw something that may be useful away.
Again I am not talking about tin foil type stuff but actual items. Picture frames, decorative boxes, little statues. Household items. Not junk.
Well I brought grandma home with me for the week. I decided it was time for me to get rid of the clutter that is clogging every drawer and closet in my house.
See I won't be throwing "useful" stuff away, grandma will be taking it to her clubs rummage sale.
So far I have emptied 4 drawers and 7 boxes. I have consolidated all of that into 1 1/2 boxes.
I KNOW!
I have a closet that is now over half empty and drawers that are empty.
And I am not done yet.
Grandma has 4 huge boxes that she will be taking home with her so far.
I have to make a promise to myself that I will not fill up the drawers or the closet again. I hope I can keep it.
It really sucks to know you have a problem and not be able to control it. But I am going to do my best.

Off to do some more decluttering.

Tomorrow...

2010-04-30T15:32:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I drive up to Placerville and pick up my grandma. I have no idea how long she is going to stay with me but I am glad she is coming!
I am incredibly blessed to be able to have this time to spend with her. I guess I lucked out that she had her children young and my mother had hers very young.
(I figured I better be nice and calm today since yesterday I had a rant LMAO)

Ahem...
I think we will probably head over to Santa Cruz beach to look around and I know we will go to the cemetery. Other then that I have no plans. I still need to look for a job while she is here. And can I just tell you right now I am so discouraged. I am at that place again where you feel like you are sending your resume out into la la land and no one is looking at them. I have almost been off work a year here. Ok July will make a year but still! I am so freaking frustrated.
Oops... getting ranty... shhhhhh

AHEM.....
I spent today cleaning up her room and washing her bedding. I also went to costco and bought a few things we needed and grandma wanted me to bring up catfood and dog bisquits so I got those too.
We will be coming back on Sunday.

Roger Water tickets go on sale in two weeks. WOOT!!! I cannot wait to see the wall tour. I am so excited about it.

AND
My Sharks are doing pretty good in the playoffs so far. They won the first series and have won game one of the second series. Nothing is as exciting as playoff hockey lol.

And I must admit... I do love me some Goalie lol
The next game in the series is on Sunday so I get to watch it with Grandma... I wonder how she will like it LMAO!!!

Talk to you all later :)

You know....

2010-04-29T12:08:00.000-07:00

I am tired of all this PC crap.

Are you ready for a rant? (sorry I have pms so I haven't been around lately)

You can't do this, You can't do that. Don't say this, Don't say that.

When the hell did we become pansy asses? When did we lose the ability to separate a word from our feelings?

When did we get so baby like that we can't distinguish reality from cruelty?

When did we get the right to judge people based on their color or their weight or their sexual orientation?

When did portions of the population decide that they were better then others just because they diet or they are heterosexual or they are white or green or freaking purple?

We have gone to far. We are not allowed to speak. We are allowing people to ban happy meal toys for God sake. HAPPY MEAL TOYS.
What will they ban next for the sake of our health, weight, color?

Shall we all dress in little uniforms and not speak?

Shall I call Christmas Holiday? The Holiday tree? Fuck that. It is freaking Christmas. Get your panties out of your ass and deal with it. If you are offended get the hell out of the CHRISTMAS tree lot.

Under God... gotta take that out of the Pledge of allegiance because it offends people. IF IT OFFENDS YOU DON'T SAY IT? Hmmm is that so freaking hard?

Am I allowed to say Black person? Asian person? White person? Hispanic person? What is the politically correct term for each and every nationality right now? Why do we keep changing the term?

We can't call a garbage man a garbage man anymore for goodness sake. Now he is a sanitation engineer.
We can't call someone an American Indian now we have to call them Native Americans.

Drug addicts, can't call them that now. They are victims. Victims WTF

We are no longer Americans, we are now African-Americans, Mexican-Americans, Hispanic-Americans, Asian-Americans, Italian-Americans and so on. Why can't we just be freaking Americans?

We have taken freedom of religion and twisted it. Let people believe in god or goddess or Buddha or nature or what ever they want without judgement.

What else are we going to allow "them" to take away?

wooo weeee I think I will stop typing now... YIKES

The economy via my neighborhood

2010-04-26T10:17:00.000-07:00

You know those nights you can't sleep and your mind goes I have a perfect blog then you fall asleep again, wake up and can't remember a damn thing you wanted to post? Well I woke up and remembered.

So welcome to a snapshot of my neighborhood. 10 houses all connected. Well not connected but next to each other lol.

I live in Silicon Valley. My county has one of the highest unemployment rates in the country. My city is huge. My neighborhood is like a thousand other neighborhoods. So I figured mine was a perfect example of how the economy is affecting us all.

House #1 (my side of the street)
A thirty/forty something couple moved in about 3 years ago. They just had a baby about a year and a half ago. She worked for a family business and he worked for a company going on around 6 or 7 years.
Fast forward to now. Her family business had to let her go. They couldn't stay afloat with the family as employees. She is now making jewelry and hoping that she makes enough to supplement their income.
He lost his job but was lucky enough to find another one with their competitors.
In talking the other day they are supplementing their one person income with credit cards and are afraid of the balance that just keeps going up.

House #2
My aunt lives here. She was doing just fine until my uncle passed away and she lost her job at almost the exact same time I did last year. She actually got a new job the same time I got that last job. However, after working there for a bit they took her off salary and placed her on to only commission. She is pretty sure she is not going to be able to keep renting the house. She just wants to be able to afford it until July. My uncles one year death anniversary. Then she expects to have to leave the house she has rented for almost 20 years.

House #3 My house
Right now we are a one income house. As you all know I have been out of work since July. With that one three week period of having a job they never should have hired me for. I consider us lucky right now since we are ok. We are eating out a LOT less and not buying things we don't need but we are not in danger of losing everything.
But then again I am still getting unemployment. I worry like hell what will happen when I don't.

House #4
These are the crazy neighbors. The ones who seem to do the opposite of what normal people do. They yell, cuss and act like asses. They sue every company they worked for and get money every time. I have no idea how in the hell they get away with that. They also have had crazy money troubles since I moved here 20 years ago. You know the kind where you only have $9.56 in the back and a check that is about to bounce. (I have so freaking lived that and live in mortal fear of living it again.)
They seem to be thriving right now. His sister passed away and left them a whole hell of a lot of money. The wife I believe sued her company and came away with a lot of money. They are in the process of remodelling their whole house. There are workers there 7 days a week.

House #5
The elderly lady who lived here passed away alone in the house. Her children put the house up for sale for a song and a contractor purchased it. They have gutted the entire thing and are in the process of rebuilding it with plans to flip it for a profit.

House #6
This house belonged to a family I have watched grow up for the last 20 years. I watched the little red headed boy grow from a young kid to a horrible teen to a pretty damn good adult. The family dynamic changed a bit in the house with new children being born. I have the feeling that there were actually two families in the house.
Well... not anymore. As of the first of last month their house was foreclosed on. This family who has lived here more then 20 years moved out over the last weekend. I have no idea where they went. It was incredibly sad to watch.

House #7
This house was rented by a older couple. Well not that old sheesh they are probably in their early 50's.
He lost his job around 8 months ago and hasn't found work leaving them a one income family.
This last two months their daughter and her two children and her husband moved in with them due to job and home loss. I am hoping they make it with more people in the house.

House #8
Here we have a man whose wife just passed away this year. He is left with three teenage children who want to go to college within the next few years. That has to be one hell of a scary thing for him to be the sole bread winner after all this time. Lucky for him (at least I cross my fingers that it is lucky) his wife's family own the house.

House #9
This family has lived here as long as I have too. The children (3) grew up and left the nest.. well the girls left but the boy stayed. Within the last three months the girls have returned to the nest due to job loss and the inability to afford rent on no income. They have a packed house again.

House #10
The man who lives here actually sent away for a Russian mail order bride. She came and they married and now have two children. I didn't realize that there still was mail order brides. He worked for the family business and she was a stay at home mom. A problem happened within the last 9 months that his family business went out of business leaving him without a job. I have no idea yet if he has found another one. That is four people living in a house with no income except unemployment if he was even able to get it.

So there you go. A snapshot of our economy via my neighborhood. Doesn't look great does it?

Trend in not posting......more tiny bites.

2010-04-23T11:44:00.000-07:00

I have noticed a trend. PMS = not posting. Why I have no idea but there it is.

Yesterday was my 20 year anniversary of dating the honey. TWENTY YEARS PEOPLE!!! I am not sure if I should be proud as hell or embarrassed LOL. I spent it watching the Sharks play playoff hockey on tv and was happy.

WOO FREAKING HOO to playoff hockey. It is so exciting to watch. We are up 3 games to 2 with the next game on Saturday. The Sharks seem to have bad luck in the playoffs so I am hoping this year it is different. We are due to win that stupid Stanley cup dang it!!!

Lost... Lost only has a few more episodes. I have no freaking idea how in the hell they are going to tie everything up. I have no idea what the hell is happening. But this is my favorite show. I am looking forward to the end while at the same time dreading it coming to an end.

A bloggy friend of mine Kevin posted some questions the other day. Hard ass questions that made me actually sit back and think. Evaluate who I am.

Here are his questions....
What gets you out of bed in the morning? (Not your alarm, but your motivation.)

What do you believe is your purpose in life? What is your reason for living?

What do you live for? What keeps you going?

I KNOW! Hard right?
Here were my answers....
These questions are hard. I thought about them all night.
What gets you out of bed in the morning? (Not your alarm, but your motivation.)
Do I have a motivation? No. I get up because I have to. I get up because I am awake. I have nothing that makes me bound from my bed in happiness or joy or fear or desire. I get up because that is what we do.

What do you believe is your purpose in life? What is your reason for living?
You know these questions make me feel like I have nothing going for me.
What is my purpose in life? I think if I boil it all down the only thing I can think of is to take care of my grandmother. To make sure she lives a happy and long life.
What is my reason for living? Hell, I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like a waste of space. That I will be one of those people when gone no one misses. I have no children. I live because I have a heartbeat.
Wow don’t I sound like a cheerful person. But I am cheerful most of the time.

What do you live for? I live because I am alive. I live for the hopes of a happy life. Of being satisfied with who and what I am in the long run.

What keeps you going? Hope. Hope that I am doing this life right. Hope that happy is all I need to be. Hope that someday, some where I might do something that means something.

You know Kevin these are hard questions. They make you look deep inside and wonder if you are good enough. I think that is a fear we all have. That we are not good enough. Beautiful enough. Smart enough. That we are wasting this life we are given. That we aren’t owning up to our potential. That we are settling instead of doing. That nothing we do really matters in the long run.

I am curious for others answers too

Now reading my answers make me sound like some kind of gloom and doom girl right? Those of you who read this blog know I am not gloom and doom all the time. I mean we all have our moments of course but still.
I have spent the last few days thinking and thinking about my answers. Not one of them changed.
I began to wonder do I really need to have a purpose to be happy? Do I really need something to motivate me to get out of bed? Can't I just be thankful that I lived through the night to wake up the next day? Can't I just live this life without labeling it as a certain kind of life?
I may not be a super savior of people or animals or bugs. I may not be the perky perfect woman. I may not be who everyone thinks they want me to be. I may not be happy 24/7. I may cuss like a sailor. I may not be who I believe I should be due to the expectations put onto me by society. But damn it I am human and I am ME.
I will not change who I am to fit into what others think I should be. I will not censor myself because other people do. I will not pretend to be someone or something I am not even if others look down on me. I will be happy with who I am and what I have.
Yes it would be nice to have more.. money.. looks...weight loss.. brains..blah freaking BLAH.
But I was given this one life and I will damn well live it the way I want to.

*flips the middle finger at all of those who judge me on what society says I should be like instead of the soul inside of me.

OK.... wow... ummm went off on a tangent there didn't I.

AHEM!

There is just something about grandma's house.

2010-04-20T10:50:00.001-07:00

This weekend I went up to grandma's house with my buddy Sazy. We left on Friday around 3pm and got stuck in traffic so it took us quite a bit to get there. Once we hit the trees though it is like a feeling of peace flows through you. And once we reached Placerville it was like life here in the bay area was left behind. If there was a way to bottle that feeling I would be a millionaire.
Once we got there we made our plans for the next two days, played some cards and went to bed.
Grandma has a day sleeper bed that we use. It is one bed that is tall while the other bed slides underneath it to be used when company comes. You pop up the bed so it is normal bed height. I popped up the bed and we grabbed the kittens to sleep in our room.
After getting into our jammies I climbed into my bed while I waited for Sazy to finish getting ready for bed. She walked in and flopped down onto the bed which proceeded to fall down to the floor. (I can't ever remember it doing that before)
At first we laughed our asses off and then there was a moment of OH SHIT THE KITTENS! So Sazy jumped up and we looked for the kittens who thankfully hadn't been under the bed.
But of course then we started describing all the ways we would have gotten rid of the evidence of killing grandmas favorite cat.
Yes we are a bit morbid with our humor but still!
We talked about sneaking outside to bury it and trying to distract grandma from the newly turned dirt. We talked about hiding it under my uncles bed or pillow and blaming him. We talked about each of us taking half (somehow it was cut in half *snort) and putting them behind the tailgate of the car and grossing people out.
The entire time we are laughing our asses off. Laughing to the point of tears. What can I say it had to be at least 1am.
The next day we headed for the casino. We gambled and met up with my cousins for lunch. We were there a LONG time lol. But we figured it out. It cost us $20 an hour to play. Not horribly bad right?
We came home and ate some dinner and played some card games with grandma. At bed time Sazy and I probably spent almost 3 hours talking about Lost. I think by the time we went to sleep our brains were seeping out of our ears. See the more you actually talk about Lost the more confused you get. So again we didn't go to sleep until at the very least 2am. That was two late nights.
On Sunday we had to run an errand for grandma. We went to her friends house to pick up a piece of fencing. This is an older woman who walks with a cane who is taking care of her son that is dying. Well that turned into something completely different. First Sazy and I planted a plant my grandmother had brought for her. Then we noticed that pine needles covered the stairs. Well being nice like we are lol we decided that wasn't cool. So we grabbed some rakes and proceeded to clear off the stairs.... which turned into half a mountain. By the time we were done we were sweaty and had wobbly parts from doing so much exercise. We also had a pile of pine needles that would easily have hidden a full grown cow. Both of us could have laid on the ground and been completely covered in needles to the point of not knowing we were there.
That was the first part of the grandma's friend trip.
The next part was moving fencing, stakes, boxes, picture frames and a tv into my truck. It was packed! There was just enough room for me, Sazy and grandma.
After we left I seem to have made a wrong turn. (ok I kind of knew I made a wrong turn about 2 minutes in) See Grandma's friend lives out in the boonies. The next thing I know is the road goes from being a road to being gravel to being dirt with a nice cliff on one side. I am deathly afraid of heights so I decided to stop this "side trip" and turn around.
I do love side trips though lol
When we finally got back on the main road we decided that we were starving and dying of thirst. We found a nice little pub to eat at. Behind the bar was a ruddy country boy that I decided needed to be Sazy's boyfriend but she seemed fixated by the man sitting with his back to us at the bar. See he had a little bit of crack showing. Sazy kept talking about putting ice cubes, flowers and anything else that popped into her mind into his crack. Gotta love Sazy!
Next stop was caching. For those of you unaware of what caching is...there is a whole hell of a lot of little hidden treasures everywhere. People hide a box full of trinkets and you use your gps to find them. Sazy and I have been geocaching for a long time time. But it had been a while since we had went since it was raining.
Oops actually the first cache was before going to grandma's friend but since I all ready typed out that I am just going to type the first cache now.
The first cache was in a old cemetery. Sazy and I had all ready visited this cemetery to look around once without knowing there was a cache in it. It has funny old wooden tombstones with the names weathered off. I sincerely hope that somewhere someone has those names.

We had barely been in that cemetery for two minutes when Sazy leaned against a tree to look for the cache. Within seconds she was coated in mutant giant ants. Hundreds of them. We spent the next few minutes beating her to death trying to get them all off of her. When we were done we found the cache.

The next one was in a Mcdonald's parking lot however it was somewhere a little to close to a giant bee tree for comfort so we decided not to look for it.
<---allergic to bees.
The next one was at a ruins I have driven by a thousand times and not stopped. But I have always wanted too.

On the far left hand side is a low tunnel you can crab walk through to get to a room where the ceiling has obviously fallen down during times passage. We walked through that of course. Sazy was like a freaking mountain goat. She crawled all over that place. I did walk up some old stone stairs but once I reached the open ceiling room I was to freaking chicken to walk around the perimeter. That damn height thing again.
We love stuff like that. There is something wonderful about touching history.
We didn't find the next one or the one after that but we still were having an adventure.
We ended up at a pond with geese. Supposedly the cache was up a mountain...which we climbed... far... high... big old mountain lol. And we had nothing to show for it. Normally we print out the cache listing which will give you a clue but since I had gotten the new computer the printer wasn't set up yet I had just written down the coordinates.
We climbed back down the mountain and went to go feed the ducks and geese. There were people fishing on all the banks so we chose the area with no fishermen to feed them. The geese walked up onto the shore and proceeded to bite the crap out of me. My foot, My leg. I had bill marks on my pants. The whole time Sazy is cracking up and no matter how much I shooed them away they wouldn't leave. Stupid freaking geese!
We decided to call it a day and headed back to grandmas house.
We played cards into the wee hours of the night while drinking champagne. We laughed and just plain old had a good time.
And of course Sazy and I just gabbed out brains out until the wee hours again.
The next morning we packed up and left for home. We made two stops to look at houses for Sazy's mom but neither one was the best. One was in way to small of a town and the other.. I don't know why I wasn't thrilled with it but it just didn't work for me.
We stopped on the way home at a sonic and got a giant cherry slushie and some food.
We were both beat by the time we got to my house. Tired in a good way but so ready to go to bed.
I have to mention that we "watched" the first Sharks game on Sazy's phone. We sat there playing cards and refreshing the score for hours. (the game wasn't shown at Grandmas) The second Sharks game we listened to on the worlds crappiest radio.
All in all it was the best good wonderful weekend!

You know what sucks?

2010-04-15T14:02:00.001-07:00

Last night I was so freaking excited! I hopped in the car with Sazy and we headed off to the Sharks playoff game. We arrived early and grabbed some food and made our way to our seats.
No this isn't the part that sucks by the way.
When the game started it was incredibly energy filled. I felt like an overexcited child with sensory overload.

the lights were down. The crowd was wild. It was freaking awesome! They gave us towels to wave.

The entire stadium was waving those flags.
They had giant inflatable sharks that flew around.

The other team scored. BOO!!
Then we scored! WOOO HOOO!!!!
Then with less then a minute to go... they scored. That sucked.. but not what sucked according to my title lol.
After driving home and taking a shower I hopped into bed. Because we were going to a Sharks game I drank soda after 3pm. See 3pm is my cut off for caffeine if I want to sleep. In fact I had a monster soda at the game.
So there I was laying in the bed at 10:30 with my eyes wide open. The combo of being over stimulated plus caffeine had me laying their until 11:30 before getting up to take a sleeping pill. There was no way in hell I was going night night without that pill.
So... I laid there. And laid there. And laid there.
This is the part that sucks by the way.
I waited for that sleeping pill to take effect. But caffeine is a mean ass. It wins over a sleeping pill as I found out last night.
Let's just say that it was a long long time until I finally fell asleep.

I am heading off to Grandma's tomorrow night. WOO HOO Grandmas!

AND!!!!

I got my unemployment back! YAY ME!!! I got the first check today since I was laid off. I can't even tell you what a freaking relief that was.

Very Excited about tonight!

2010-04-14T14:16:00.000-07:00

I am off to see a Sharks hockey playoff game. WOOT!!!

I spent the day today grabbing some stuff to take to grandmas this weekend. She sent me a letter asking me to go to Macy's and grab some face cream. $45 bucks for freaking face cream. Seriously WTF. I can't imagine spending that on cream for my face.

AND!!!!! Roger Waters of Pink Floyd fame announced The Wall tour!! I am so freaking going in December! I about peed my pants when I saw that he was coming and doing the wall. WOO FREAKING HOO!

I don't have much time but I wanted to post a little on here today lol.

And... we are really talking about Mexico in December. Enough to decide we would get a balcony this time because it is so much cheaper. Another cruise would be so exciting. I guess I would need a dress that fits lol

Tiny bites

2010-04-12T09:56:00.000-07:00

Some where out there in blog land there is a random Monday or Tuesday or something like that where you post little random things. Since I can't for the life of me remember what the hell it was or where in the heck I saw it... Making up my own day and random stuff. Cause that is how I am... a rebel *snort!

Ahem... anywhooo......

This rain is beginning to get on my nerves. Now I know that we need it. I know that it is keeping everything nice and green. I know that pretty soon it will be so hot I will feel like flaying the skin off my body to get rid of the sweat. But right now... at this moment. I am tired of the rain. I am tired of the pond scum smell. I am tired of watching the week go by all sunshiney and nice only to have the weekend rain like mad. Not to mention rain makes me not want to bother to shave my legs and I am beginning to look like big foot lol.
Yes there are good things. No watering. But please could I just have two weeks to dry out then you can rain for a freaking week. Sheesh!

Deadliest Catch starts again this week. I am super excited to watch while at the same time I know I am going to be in for a freaking boo hoo fest. They were filming the season when Captain Phil died and I know they are going to show it and the aftermath. After all he told them to. I loved the poor guy. And I am the worlds biggest boo hoo baby. That combo is going to make for some tears during this season.

This week is the honeys birthday and our anniversary. 20 years of dating. Yes, you read that right. TWENTY! Holy crap that is a long time. People ask me all the time when we are going to get married. Around year five that was pretty much all I wanted. Now.... Now I don't think it is. I am comfortable with the way things are. If I needed to I could just walk out the door no strings. You can't do that with a marriage. I guess I need to figure out some presents.

I was looking at my kindle last night. I have read 39 books on it since I got it in December! And that doesn't include any paper books I read. And since I am reading horror in paper form that is a lot of books! I really love that damn kindle. It has to be one of the best presents I have ever gotten.

Can I just do a little happy dance here? My Sharks are the number one seed in the hockey playoffs! WOO HOO SHARKS! I am trying to figure out how in the heck I can get playoff tickets. I love me some Hockey!!!!!!

In the past two days I have had three dreams. Each dream was about a different ex. One was a holy shit get the freaking hell away from me you psycho dream. The next two were a little different. One had me walking hand in hand with an ex and the last one I had this morning. There was a point in the dream where I had my hands on both of his cheeks as I looked in his eyes and told him how much I missed him. How much I needed him. We started walking back to where my family was and the whole area was devastated. Everything was falling apart. It looked like an abandoned town. When we could see my family in the distance they were all shooting guns and the ex turned to me and said I hope they don't shoot me. I remember smiling at him, reaching out my hand to him and then waking up.
I have no idea why I am dreaming of ex's. Weird.

My cat Yeti has decided that my pillow is no longer the best place in the world to sleep. My head is. I cannot tell you the number of times I have woken up to a cats head on my cheek purring away. Or the number of times she has walked up my body as I watch tv only to lay down on my chest and put her head on my chin while purring. Ummm... can't see the tv cat! It is rather sweet but a little odd too.

I am LOVING having my own computer! I can sit here and do what ever I want without worry that he will kick me off to look something up.

And last but not least. Remember when I told you a random cousin found me on facebook. A cousin I had no idea I even had? Well he sent me a picture of my grandmother. The picture was of her and her first husband a few weeks before they were married. She was 18 years old. I have never seen her like that before. So young. It was kind of strange to actually see her that way. But she was beautiful.
I give you my grandma......

Making a new friend is like dating

2010-04-09T11:05:00.001-07:00

Have you noticed that the older you get the harder it is to make friends? In fact in "real" life I pretty much have one best friend. I have tons of online friends that I have talked to for years but only one that I actually leave my house to visit with.
See I seem to have incredibly bad luck with making friends. I make a friend and then something happens like they move, run away with someone they met on the internet, sleep with my boyfriend or just plain stop talking to me for no reason. Growing up I moved constantly so I have no buddies that I grew up with.
For a while there I decided screw it I don't need a friend.
Then... I found out one of my Lost board buddies actually lived close to me. Close enough that I could meet her.
As we planned our first meeting at the mall I have to admit to being frightened. What if even after all this time of talking to each other online we didn't like each other? What if after meeting me she never wanted to talk to me again. What if she was a giant man and not a woman LMAO!!!
Lucky for me none of that happened. In fact she has become the best friend I have ever had. I was incredibly lucky and blessed.
But getting to know Sazy.... Creating a new friendship... I have to admit it is exactly like I remember dating to be.
You make plans to do something. Not a movie at first because you need to talk and get to know each other. You get the nerves as you wait for the day to arrive that you are going to the museum or where ever you decided.
Are we going to have fun? Will she think this is stupid?
You go to lunches. You go to public places. You figure each other out.
See! Dating a friend.
I guess if you ended up really not liking each other it would be like a break up right? One of those slowly stop talking things?
During Sazy and my "dating" stage we found out we had so much in common. A love of things ancient. A love of museums. A fondness for not doing what we are suppose to do. A habit of touching things we aren't suppose to. A love of hunting treasure.
Now... I consider her my best friend.
Do I have the desire to start "dating" anyone else? Not really. I feel like I won the lotto and I really don't think that will happen again.
But now I know that talking to someone for years on the internet gives me a different insight to them. You have so much more to talk about. You all ready have a bit of common ground. So maybe I will meet some of the others I talk to at some point. I mean I did meet another friend with Sazy that visited here from Tennessee and that worked out all right.
I have to admit to having a little envy for those people who seem to have this group of buddies that they grew up with. But I just need to realize that will never be me.

Ok I think everything is normal again

2010-04-08T11:04:00.001-07:00

I can finally hear. I am no longer a snot factory. I got a letter from unemployment saying they got my claim. My family has been to visit and gone. The honey isn't home (like yesterday) due to jury duty. The house is clean. And I have added a bunch of blogs to my favorites. Along with setting up the new computer to my desires lol.
So now I should be able to schedule myself again. Job hunting, game playing, house cleaning, blogging and dinners. I should be back to my own self.
It has been interesting with dual computers. We have actually sat and researched something at the same time. We are thinking of taking a Mexican cruise at the end of this year.
I know, I know I have no job. It totally wasn't my idea either. It was his. He knows I have no job so he knows unless I do he is totally footing most of the bill lol. Besides I need to get it booked in case I get a job. That way I can tell them by the way in December I have a cruise all ready paid for and booked.
Do I think this cruise is going to actually happen? Not really. I give it about a 15% chance. But it is fun to talk about lol.
I didn't really look for a job last week due to the death sickness but I have looked this week. I have to tell you this is a giant pain in my ass. I all ready did this. It is frustrating that I have to do this again. But I guess I really have no choice do I? Why can't I be rich sigh.....

It is beautiful outside and I have a few flats of flowers to plant in all the buckets outside so I should get to that. I have a post in my head for tomorrow. Not one of these blah blah blah type posts either. I should also comment on your blog today. If I don't.... I don't have you yet so post a comment so I can find you!

All kinds of things

2010-04-06T10:23:00.000-07:00

I have to be quick I have company coming. My sister in law, brother and son are coming over. They came from Nevada so I am going to be spending time with them.
I got a new computer over the weekend. Actually we now have duel computers. The problem is nothing tranfered over to this one. I was damn positive that I had it all set up to tranfer if not by itself then on the stupid flash drive. My files did but none of my favorites did. SOOOOOO post a comment on here so I can find you again. I am kind of losing my mind over this a bit.
I miss reading you guys.
I will be going through all the old comments to get you that have posted after I get back from my shopping trip today.
It is so nice to have my own computer though. One where no one can remove anything on accident. To bad it all was removed anyway. But I will find you!
Now with this windows 7 I don't even have a bookmarks tab. WTF?
But I spent most of yesterday adding my itunes back, resumes back, pictures back. Now I just need to figure out how to never have to add in any passwords and stuff.
YAY NEW COMPUTER... Booo hisss things didn't move right lol.
I shall talk to you all tomorrow!

UGH death sickness

2010-04-01T10:29:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday I started feeling yucky. On Monday I went into work feeling like crap. Turns out it was my last day of work. Asses. But in one way it was a darn good thing because I have been sick as a freaking dog.
On Tuesday I went into the doctor because I could no longer hear out of both ears. Just faint noises. Turns out I have a double ear infection, sinus infection and a cough. They gave me meds for all of it.
In the last three days I have spent probably 80% of it in bed asleep. I had no energy at all. I couldn't even hear myself typing on the keyboard. My head has been pounding.
Today I can hear the keyboard again WOO HOO. But things are still muffled and my head is still full of cotton. But at least I have a bit of energy. Not like the previous days where taking a shower meant it was time to crawl back into bed and take a nap.
That my friends is why I have not posted on my blog in the last few days.

I think in another way being laid off was good because there is no way in hell I could have possibly worked for the last few days. Always a good thing to call in sick when you are new right?

I have to admit to being pissed off about being laid off. Pretty much they had me clean their mess of files and plans, move bookshelves, file paperwork and watch the phones during the front desk ladies vacation then laid me off. They totally screwed me on my unemployment too. I have refiled but who knows how that is going to go. I can only cross my fingers right?

That job was a mental mindfuck.

Here have a new job since you have been waiting for 8 months at good money and full time! Oh wait we might have to put you part time! Oh you are doing such a good job! Oh sorry we have to let you go.
WTF.

I am not looking forward to looking for work again. But I have too. I haven't yet due to the sickness that knocked me on my ass but I will get to that next week.

Ok that's enough for now. I need to at least straighten up the house since I haven't moved in over 6 days. Then.. I may need another nap lol.
Talk to you all soon.

I was laid off today..... again :(

2010-03-29T16:09:00.000-07:00

This sucks.

Now I have to go through the whole freaking unemployment thing again if I am even eligible for it. I should be but who the heck knows.

They told me I was a rock star and had mad work skills and they would give me a recommendation.

The boss also told me he was letting me go in front of everyone.

JOY>..... not.

I need to go lick some wounds for a while.