Let's see if meds help

I am not sure if you remember previous blog posts where I explained that during pms I become some other person. That it was never normal. My good buddy Sazy pretty much told me I was having to many symptoms for normal pms and gave me a link for PMDD. Think Pms times twenty. After some pushing from her (and a pretty hairy anger episode) I decided to go ahead and go to the doctor.
Problem was I got a man who didn't understand a word I was saying and even said "oh you poor thing" when I told him I had actually gone into the bathroom to get away from the cat. I was going to just give up but Sazy pushed me lol.
So I went. What a difference a doctor makes. This one did the regular pap exam and then we sat and chatted about my issues. She listened to what I had to say and asked a bunch of questions. Then she gave me three options. She dismissed option number 2 because I smoke (birth control pills)
That left getting a implant to remove my period all together (or a different option to remove it) or going on Zoloft for Pmdd. Which is what she says I have.
I asked her which would be the best. She told me to try the zoloft for a month at which point we will do a phone appointment to see if it helped. If it did then I will take it for another two months to see if it continues to help. If this option works I will keep up with the zoloft for my pmdd.
If this option doesn't work then we will have to see about ending my periods. But as of this point I don't need to worry about that for at least a month.
If my pap comes out correct I won't need the cone biopsy. If it comes out bad then I do. Another thing not to worry about until I get the test results back.
I have to go to a therapist once two weeks from now so that they can determine if the zoloft has made me suicidal or nutso I guess. then no more of that. She said it was mandatory for this prescription for pmdd.
So as of right now I am doing a bit of research on zoloft and pmdd and I have to say it looks promising. I am completely shocked at these women's descriptions of another person taking over their body during this time because that is exactly how I feel. They also come back and write how this medication is a god send. But I will do more research just for my own piece of mind.
They say the first few days I will get dizzy and headachey but that it goes away fairly quickly.
Zoloft is also a anti depressant also so I am hopeful that it will help with the feelings that seem to have taken over me lately. I came home with the meds and immediately freaked out over the thought of taking "mind drugs". Like it made me less of a person or something stupid like that. Not reality but what I felt. But as my buddy Sazy said to me when I got scared and pretty much had talked myself out of taking the medication...Look at your blog, I am pretty sure you are clinically depressed. And the honey told me it is just for a month at first. If you don't like it stop.
So Saturday I started taking the meds. Sunday I got dizzy a bit and today I woke up with dilated pupils and a fuzzy feeling. All things that are to be expected during the first week. As of right now I am not sure that this medication is the best thing but it is something right?
I feel like...like... I failed in some strange way lol.
See I am now officially a crazy person. (I know I am not but that is how I see it in my head)

Alive. Not happy but alive

At what point do you just give up? I am pretty much ready to reach that. But then again I can't give up.
I have gone through every emotion known to mankind. Anger, hope, excitement blah blah freaking blah.
To be honest I have no idea who I even am anymore. I look in the mirror and think my god what happened to me. Everything that I had an interest in I really don't have an interest in anymore.
Ah crap here goes another stupid poor me post. I just can't do that anymore. I don't want pity. I don't want people to hear blah blah blah in their head. I guess I am just not quite ready to post again yet.
sorry.