Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I don't know what else to talk about

I feel like I am freaking out. I have gone through every emotion possible since I lost my job. Grief, sadness, hope, anger, depression, hopelessness. I apply every day. Multiple times a day. Nobody is biting. I am applying for things I am not qualified for, things I am qualified for and things I am over qualified for. Hell I am pretty much applying for anything that even sounds remotely like I could do it. Nothing. NOTHING.
I am going on two years of unemployment at the end of July. I thought about schooling but it is like my brain shuts down and for the life of me I can't find anything remotely interesting. (Minus pastry but that would cost me almost $40,000... hello unemployed) I have no idea how I would even go about schooling.
I just don't have the energy for anything. I don't have any drive left inside of me. I apply because I have to but I have gotten to the point where I sure in the hell don't expect to hear back from anyone.
I applied for a job that was almost word for word my last position. I thought that job would at least call me. NOTHING.
I am flat out done. I have no idea what more I can do. I am scared and hurt. Yes hurt which is stupid but I worked so damn hard to get the skills I have and then to have no one want them? UGH.
Most of my friends and family do not understand why I don't have a job yet. Even the honey doesn't understand. There have been tons and tons of comments about how I must not even be trying to get a job. Those comments cut deep. The settle on my soul and make me feel worse then I all ready do. I don't understand why people don't understand that I don't want this. That it makes me feel like less of a person. That each comment they make hurts and drags me down deeper into this damn depression that I can't claw myself out of. It was even a conversation during a Christmas party where everyone laughed and said I just wanted to be a housewife and started teasing the honey. I was mortified.
I am tired of watching every penny I have. I am tired of needing help sometimes with the groceries or bills. I have no fucking pride left. I hate this so much.
I am embarrassed about not having a job. So embarrassed. So fucking embarrassed.
I wish to God that this was over all ready. It has to end right? Right?

I think I am losing my mind.


  1. Damn it! There are SO many people out there who are in the same place as you are-- I know of several. I cannot believe people would think you're not trying hard enough! I know you are. adfoanep)! I know that the jokes aren't funny.

    It will come. When it's supposed to. I hate to say this, but just keep on plugging.

    I know of a guy who has been out of work for over a year. Been on unemployment the whole time, but on his wife's blog, it is all about the different things they've been doing with their time while he's home. All these road trips, all these parties they've been going to. THAT doesn't look like he is really trying that hard. Bothers me a bit, they have three kids under 5. But it is what it is. I know you've been trying hard, Jody. Don't give up.

  2. Don't be embarrassed. It's not your fault, it's this crappy economy.

  3. It is so hard to find a job in this economy! I know, I have been trying. Its not your fault! And the constant rejection is a huge blow to yourself. The fact that you are still out there trying after 2 years is amazing. Or masochistic. lol We're here for you! Vent to us as much as you need too!