Being in a long term relationship means compromise. Little things and big things. But you decide it will be worth it in the long run. But that doesn't mean after 20 years of dating the same man I don't have this woman inside of me that screams from time to time.
Sometimes you begin to wonder if you have compromised to much. If you have lost yourself.
Sometimes that woman inside you makes you feel as though your skin is to tight and your sanity is not quite right. She whispers about all the things you are missing out on. Things you normally don't miss but with that bitchy you bitching at you, you begin to wonder.
So... Here is an ode to that damn screaming woman inside of me.
If I were single I would....
Burn scented candles in the house. Hell I would even burn incense. This is something I can't do because the honey has asthma. I miss the scents flowing through my house. The calming of Lavender. The brightness of melon.
Get a second tattoo. In fact I all ready know exactly what it would be. In fact I have known for years what it would be. But... the honey hates them. HATES them. In fact he wanted me to get rid of the one I have. Sorry.
Get another kitten. I know I have a lot of cats now but they are all getting pretty up there in age. And the fact that they are all around the same age freaks me out a bit. That means they will all generally probably go around the same time. Having a younger one would mean I would have a companion that will be around longer.
Stay somewhere unique by myself. It seems that every time I go somewhere I am either with someone, visiting someone or staying with someone. I would love to just be by myself for a day or two. With no one to meet or errands to do. Just wandering by myself. The honey is very ummm protective and feels that a woman alone is just asking for someone to hurt her. I can understand this from him. But that doesn't make it any easier on my mental state. Sometimes you just want to be alone.
Not cook. Maybe for a week. Live off sandwiches or fruit or chips and dip. Not have to make meals that include three things. Meat, veggies and starch. I honestly believe that if I wasn't dating the honey I would lose weight rapidly. I don't need to eat a full dinner. Sometimes I don't want one but he is hungry so I make it and eat it. I don't want to feel like I HAVE to cook. That is how I feel now.
Walk around the house naked. The honey is so sure that all the neighbors (or weirdos) are looking through the windows that are closed. So we MUST wear clothes in the house. There are times when I would just like to walk to the kitchen and grab something to drink without having to get dressed.
Stay up late late late. Doing what ever I want. See the honey gets up at oh dark thirty to go to work. Then he comes home and wants to go to bed early. Well that would be fine except he has this weird thing. He can't go to sleep unless I am in the bed. That means I have to go to bed early. There are times I hate this. I would love to be able to play on the internet or watch movies or what ever I want to do until late. If he falls asleep while I am watching tv I can watch for as long as I want unless he wakes up. Then it is lights out and tv off. I can't tell you the number of times I have laid there staring at the ceiling.
Go to sleep in a messy bed. For some reason he can't sleep unless the bed is made. I long to just climb in that messy bed without having to make it first.
Eat fast food for dinner. The only time I can eat fast food is if I am with Sazy or by myself. The honey does not eat fast food but VERY rarely. I find myself thinking wouldn't it be nice if I could just eat a hamburger for dinner that I didn't have to cook myself.
There are so many more things that I may tell you at a later date. But... gotta go clean my shower. OH JOY