It's bad news

Well I got news on my Uncle David. It’s not good. He has stage 4 cancer. He has tumors in every vital organ. There is nothing they can do. They are not sure how long he has to live. He will be coming home either today or tomorrow.

He is a great man. He has been a pretty big part of my life. I use to watch his children when he worked. He would go out of town Monday through Friday, returning Friday night. I would stay at the house and get the kids ready for school and pretty much live with them for the week.

He is funny and grumpy and loving. He is my next door neighbor.

Emotionally I am all over the map here. When I first heard the news I started to bawl like a big old baby. Then I had to go next door and talk to his wife. That was so damn hard. We cried and laughed and talked about what was going to happen. We discussed cremation and spreading ashes. We talked about how hard it is going to be for the next little while. All those details that pop up. Getting a plastic liner for the bed since he is going to end up bed ridden. Stuff like that.

The family knows he has cancer. Most of them don’t know it is stage 4 and unfixable.

I cannot even imagine the knowledge that you are going home to die. How that must screw with you mentally. How scared, hell terrified you must be.

Then there are the family members. When he comes home we will all be going to visit him. What do you say?

Seriously.

What do you say? He knows he is dying. I know he is dying. Do you walk up and say what? I am sorry? I love you? God Damn this is fucked up David? What?

I don’t want to walk over all perky. All happy. But I also don’t want to walk over there with my eyes wet and a giant frown. No one tells you how to deal with this. How to act. How to think.
We are one way in a good place. We have the time to say goodbye. We have the time to hold hands and show our love. But fuck how freaking awful. He is only 60.

Crap.

My emotions are all over the map. Tears, headache, coldness. I am so damn sad. I am so damn disappointed this is happening. I am kind of numb too.

Hug your loved ones today people. Hug them hard ok.