Monday, June 29, 2009

Losing it a tad bit

You know when I started this blog I totally did not except to take a trip into gloom and doom land. Life is funny that way I guess.

I went to visit my uncle this weekend for the first time since finding out about his cancer. The walk next door was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. No one tells you how to handle things like this. I was literally shaking. I knew I didn’t want to boo hoo in front of him. I think the poor guy has enough on his plate without me losing it in front of him.

The first thing that struck me was the sign on the front door. No smoking or open flames. Oxygen in use. It kind of made things more blunt and real to me. When we got there he was lying on the couch with oxygen tubes in his nose and dragging along the floor. I smiled and sat on the couch to talk to him. And for some reason it really hit me. This is my uncle.. .the same uncle I have always had… the same man I have known for all my life. Cancer didn’t turn him into someone else to be feared.

It was sort of surreal.

We chatted for a while. Laughed a few times. Watched a little tv. But there were comments that made me turn my head towards the tv until I could pull myself together. He wanted a real cup of coffee. Not decaf. You know, if he wants that real cup of coffee shouldn’t he be able to have it? But the wife thinks it wouldn’t be good for him. It is not my place. He wants to go fishing so bad. But he says his outside oxygen tank is only good for 2 hours. Then he said he might as well go and just jump in and save everyone a lot of trouble.

Hold on a second because my nose just started to sting again and my eyes filled up.

I sincerely hope he doesn’t think that his condition is causing people trouble. But that is just so like him to think of other people before himself. And I welcome the “trouble”. Why? Because that means he is still here. Bring on the damn trouble.

I am going to figure out a way to take him fishing before he gets any worse. There has to be a way. The lake isn’t that far away.

Since that initial visit I have yelled goofy stuff to him over the fence. With his oxygen he is just able to reach the back porch to sit. He must think I am a nut. But then again he knows I am. He is too actually.

I am cooking dinner for them on Tuesday. Spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread. The honey will be taking over the mowing of their lawns. Every little bit helps right?

So far with him though he is mentally ok. He is all there. But with brain cancer that can change in an instant. So visiting as often as I can will be something I want to do.

On a personal note I am still kind of losing it. My sleep sucks. I burst into tears at weird random moments. I am forgetful. I can’t seem to remember shit lately. I feel kind of numb inside while at the same time lost. It is like I just can’t figure out what to do or what to think. I catch myself standing still in the middle of the kitchen not remembering how in the hell I got there or why I was there. Or standing in the shower bawling like a baby. My head hurts. Hell my fucking heart hurts. Laying in bed staring out the window at my uncle’s house sucks. But I can’t seem to get back to normal.

Sorry about the rambling on here. At some point my mind may get back to normal and my blog won’t be Gloom And Doom.


  1. don't apologize. your blog is about you - you shouldn't put on a happy face just so your blog isn't depressing.

    life does suck, more often than not. you should just be proud that you're able to bring at least a small piece of comfort to a man who's in his last days. that makes you one freakin awesome person.


  2. Hang in there. And your reactions are totally normal. Cry if you want to...tears never hurt anyone.