But I am just so damn frustrated with this job search. I am so damn tired of looking for work every single day and never hearing anything back from anyone. I am so tired of hearing the honey say things like "if you had a job we could do this or that" "If you had a job we could buy another piece of property" "Are you sure you are looking for a job"
Well you know what I don't have a damn job. I can't find a damn job. And yes damn it I am looking for a freaking job!
I am flat out discouraged right now.
I have been out of work since the last week of July of LAST YEAR. I can't even get the dang entry level jobs I apply for. I can't even get freaking interviews. Or even a stupid letter saying "Sorry."
I feel like I am at my wits end here. My moods go up and down like crazy. One day I am fine and search away. The next day I sit there with my head in my hand as I scroll through all the job postings knowing that I will not get any job I apply for. But I still apply.
I am TIRED of applying. I am tired of not working. I am tired of the looks I get when people act all freaking surprised and horrified that I STILL don't have a job. Hell people put yourself in my shoes. You think I freaking am enjoying this. You think I like that every penny has to be accounted for. That just paying my bills and buying groceries take every bit of my unemployment and then some. You think I like watching that savings go down down down knowing that pretty freaking soon there won't be a savings anymore.
Even the damn grocery store won't hire me.
I swear to god I like to work. That I will do a good job. But it just seems no one will give me a chance.
I know that thousands and thousands of people are in my shoes. I know that just here in the Bay Area I am pretty much the bottom of the pack because I do not have a degree. Hell the job postings right now are asking for a freaking degree for a receptionist position.
I feel like pulling my hair out. I feel like less of a person. I feel like a damn failure. I hate this HATE HATE HATE this.
I just want my life back. My normal life where I go to work. Have money to pay the bills. Have a little extra to do fun stuff if I want to. I want to be able to buy that chicken costume for Halloween. I want to be normal again. I want to stop having to do math in my head in regards to groceries or any other purchase. I want to not have to look at my bank account every day. I want to stop being frightened.
I just want a damn job.
I want to stop being ruled by my emotions. I am tired of being depressed. I am tired of feeling like a damn charity case. Yes, unemployment makes me feel like a charity case while at the same time I thank god that I actually have it.
I am tired of looking at the dollar amount left and worrying about what I am going to do when in 6 checks I run out.
I am tired of sitting at home. I am tired of cooking and cleaning.
I am just tired of everything.
I just want a job. Is that so hard. I just want people to look at me like I am not a charity case. I want them to stop wondering what is wrong with me that I can't find work.
I just want my life back. :(