Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Crawling out of my own skin

I am so antsy lately. So freaking paranoid. I can’t stop worrying about my uncle. It seems to color everything. The decline I am seeing in him is rapid and incredibly scary. He has stopped wanting to eat and doesn’t want to drink. He can’t talk very well anymore if he even talks at all. He is losing control of his body.

This strong man who has been there for me for my entire life is shrinking into himself. Handling it is not easy. His wife… god his poor wife. I have no idea how she is handling this. She has to help him walk now. And help him do all the things we take for granted. Going to the bathroom, showering, eating. I don’t know that I could be so strong. But I guess you do what needs to be done.

His son has taken some time off of work to stay over at their house starting last night. The way we figure it he has days left. His son wants to spend those last days with him.

Every day I go over to “pick some plums”. I walk in and wave and smile and tease him as I grab a bag to take some plums home. I am pretty darn tired of plums. But the people at work seem to like them. I am watching him sink into himself. Visibly shrink. It is horrible.

It feels almost creepy to be looking forward to going on my cruise or going to concerts when this is happening. I know that life goes on but my heart feels a tad bit different.

For the past two days I have tension in my shoulders. I am having trouble sleeping. I am tossing and turning and waking up multiple times. I find myself twisting my shirt in my hands or petting the dog or cats to the point where they are trying to get away. I feel tight and tense and nervous. I feel like I am crawling in my own skin. My stomach hurts and my head aches. I know it is tension. I just wish that I could mellow out a tad bit. I need to mellow out bad. I need to “Man Up” as they say. (Not that I am a man but you get the idea)

Ok enough gloom and doom. Geez I can’t seem to get away from it lately. Sorry.

1 comment:

  1. I can't imagine how hard this must be. Watching my Dad "die" for 98 days in the hospital waiting for a heart were the worst 98 days of my life. But I didn't lose him and for that I am forever thankful. I will continue to keep your uncle in my prayers.

    And btw, you are totally allowed to look forward to fun stuff. It's ok to want to have something fun to come along.