Well a few things actually. One I have turned into gloom and doom girl which explains why no one comments anymore. (Besides a rare wonderful few)Of course if I actually commented on all the blogs I read daily I would probably get more in response but I just... I just don't have the energy :(
Two, today marks the one year anniversary of my uncle David's death. Which means I have had this blog for over a year now. I started this about 2 weeks before he died. Actually I think the day before I found out he had brain cancer.
I can't tell you how many times I have been in the backyard working on weeds or with the flowers when I hear a noise from his side of the fence. From the area he used to sit at every day. I can't tell you how many times I have walked towards his spot to yell something stupid over the fence. Or to tell him to shut the hell up (jokingly) only to remember he isn't there anymore. That he won't be ever again. And it hits me all over again. The sorrow. The anger. The loss. The sense of alone I get without him in my life.
He was a good man and he deserved to die with dignity. Cancer sucks.
Three, all I do is bitch bitch bitch. I bitch about my no job. I bitch about money. I have turned bitter and I hate it. Something has to give. I can feel myself stretching tighter and tighter. There is going to be a breaking point and I have no idea what the hell is going to happen.
So I need to cheer up. I need to mellow out. I need to calm down. To bad I just don't see it happening anytime soon.
AND I totally forgot to add the SYTYCD blurb which totally 100% doesn't go with this blog but I really don't give a flying fuck lol
Oh no Alex! Poor guy! He gave up a ton for this.
Kat - Very sparkly must be itchy dress. And why don't they comb her hair?
Lauren - Cha cha - Music totally didn't work. it was kind of boring for me. Hmmm the judges really liked it.
Jose - contemporary - soul mate dance - smoldering at the end. Very pretty. Wow he made me get all watery eyed when he did. The judges are correct he is all soul.
Kent - Hip Hop - He was pretty darn good in this. The routine was kind of slow though. He looks better and more comfy.
Adechike - Jazz - bar dance- her dress was so not sexy. In fact the whole thing wasn't as sexy as it could have been. I wasn't thrilled with it.
Billy - Thief dance - Something is not right with me today. I didn't like this one either. The music was good, the dance was good but blah.
Ashley - hip hop- ninja dance - Those pants are stupid. She did well. The whole ninja thing didn't work for me though.
Robert - jazz - Doll dance - Ouch she almost fell. I kind of hated that dance. People don't like him because he is an idiot and kind of fake.
Adechike - Bollywood - pretty high jumps in his genie outfit. GO KAT!! I loved that she asked why it was ok for Jose to do his own thing but Adechike got in trouble. The judges sure are hard on him. I don't think he was that bad. Mia was an ass saying she missed Alex.
Lauren and Kent - contemporary - young lovers dance - Ok that dance made me smile. Kent finally didn't have to act like a "man dog" in this one. The two of them matched well.
Ashley and Robert - quick step - They did really well. The dance looked good. They really need to stop calling it the kiss of death dance. I am sure that they all ready know that. Sheesh
Billy and Jose - african jazz - That was so interesting. it seemed to end to fast. Loved Billy's hair and he was damn creepy with his gumby sinew body. Jose was pretty good too. Not great but damn good.
Showing posts with label Death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Death. Show all posts
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Irrational and rational fears
I decided to do another writer's workshop over at Mama Kat's.
The prompt was Scaredy Cat.
I have a few fears. A few that don't make any sense at all and a few that are normal to society. I don't choose to be a slave to these fears but man am I ever.
I am deathly afraid of heights. I am so afraid I can't even stand on a chair without my legs wobbling. I have frozen in place with my fingernails digging into the plaster and had to be removed from where I was. I honestly lost the ability to move.
I can fly in a plane without a problem, but give me a floor to ceiling window on a upper floor of a building and I burst into sweat within five feet of it.
There is this strange sensation that I get as I get close to a cliff. (height) It is like my body is going to throw me over. Not that I have any desire to get even near the damn thing but my body is a traitor! I don't know where that comes from but I sure wish it would go away.
As I have gotten older a fear has made itself known to me. One that I never had before. One that I have no idea where it came from. One that I realize is completely stupid and unreasonable but one that is there anyway.
If I go swimming in a lake with murky water I start getting the overwhelming fear that I am going to put my foot down on a decomposing body.
I KNOW! Ewwwwwwwwwww!
I have not seen a decomposing body in a lake. I have never watched someone be dragged from a lake. No body has ever been pulled from any lake I swim in that I am aware of. BUT as I get older that fear becomes more potent. I can feel my skin begin to crawl as soon as my toes hit the water. I can vividly imagine exactly what it will feel like and what my reaction would be.
I hate this fear.
Then there is the stupid fear. The one that makes you feel like an idiot. You know that turn off the light at the end of the hallway only to realize that the hallway is now pitch black and you have to walk through it. So instead of walking through it you actually run the length of it only at the end you slow your stupid self down so it looks like you walked down the hall. Even though in your head you know you sounded like a herd of elephants as you ran. This could happen anywhere. The garage, kitchen, hallway, bedroom. Random stupid fear.
Now this one takes a bit of explaining. I fear death. Not how am I going to die. Not what happens after I die. Not what comes before you die.
I fear that actual moment that your body gives out and you die. That moment your body gives up it's fight to live. That single moment between life and death.
I have seen this moment. I have held my grandmothers hand as she passed away. I have been in the vets office as I had a dying cat put to sleep. In both cases that moment... that single moment of death was horrifying. The struggle and the fight the body puts up to live and the soul puts up to go. Or the other way around.... is pure horror. Pure fucking hell. I fear that. I fear it a lot.
Hmmmm there are a lot more fears but I think I got a little ummm depressing here!!! Sorry!
The prompt was Scaredy Cat.
I have a few fears. A few that don't make any sense at all and a few that are normal to society. I don't choose to be a slave to these fears but man am I ever.
I am deathly afraid of heights. I am so afraid I can't even stand on a chair without my legs wobbling. I have frozen in place with my fingernails digging into the plaster and had to be removed from where I was. I honestly lost the ability to move.
I can fly in a plane without a problem, but give me a floor to ceiling window on a upper floor of a building and I burst into sweat within five feet of it.
There is this strange sensation that I get as I get close to a cliff. (height) It is like my body is going to throw me over. Not that I have any desire to get even near the damn thing but my body is a traitor! I don't know where that comes from but I sure wish it would go away.
As I have gotten older a fear has made itself known to me. One that I never had before. One that I have no idea where it came from. One that I realize is completely stupid and unreasonable but one that is there anyway.
If I go swimming in a lake with murky water I start getting the overwhelming fear that I am going to put my foot down on a decomposing body.
I KNOW! Ewwwwwwwwwww!
I have not seen a decomposing body in a lake. I have never watched someone be dragged from a lake. No body has ever been pulled from any lake I swim in that I am aware of. BUT as I get older that fear becomes more potent. I can feel my skin begin to crawl as soon as my toes hit the water. I can vividly imagine exactly what it will feel like and what my reaction would be.
I hate this fear.
Then there is the stupid fear. The one that makes you feel like an idiot. You know that turn off the light at the end of the hallway only to realize that the hallway is now pitch black and you have to walk through it. So instead of walking through it you actually run the length of it only at the end you slow your stupid self down so it looks like you walked down the hall. Even though in your head you know you sounded like a herd of elephants as you ran. This could happen anywhere. The garage, kitchen, hallway, bedroom. Random stupid fear.
Now this one takes a bit of explaining. I fear death. Not how am I going to die. Not what happens after I die. Not what comes before you die.
I fear that actual moment that your body gives out and you die. That moment your body gives up it's fight to live. That single moment between life and death.
I have seen this moment. I have held my grandmothers hand as she passed away. I have been in the vets office as I had a dying cat put to sleep. In both cases that moment... that single moment of death was horrifying. The struggle and the fight the body puts up to live and the soul puts up to go. Or the other way around.... is pure horror. Pure fucking hell. I fear that. I fear it a lot.
Hmmmm there are a lot more fears but I think I got a little ummm depressing here!!! Sorry!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
My uncle David passed away yesterday
Yesterday sucked.
At 5am I got a call letting me know my uncle had passed away. After trying to pull myself together for a few minutes I went over to sit with his wife to wait for the funeral home to pick up his body. The hospice nurse was there to take the morphine all ready. I went over and said goodbye to him. I swear I was completely numb at that point. Hell I think I was numb for most of yesterday.
The funeral home came and got him about 6:30 am. His wife really lost it at that point. Actually so did I. We all sat in the living room in shock and horror. As much as you prepare yourself for death when it happens it still kicks you in the ass.
We talked and made phone calls once it got to 8am. The honey needing something to do went to McDonalds and got everyone some breakfast mcmuffins. Around 9 people started trickling in. You know we would all just pull ourselves together when the next batch would come causing us all to lose it again.
I lost the time from 11 to 4. Seriously I have no idea where it went. I know I was there but I really don’t remember it to well. It is kind of a blur. Somewhere in there the honey went to Togo’s and brought us all food again.
Around 6 we decided it was time for wine and maybe a beer or two. His son and I drank a bottle of wine. I think the two of us needed that few minutes of bonding time after all the activity of the day. At one point a man pulled up in the driveway. I looked at him and thought what the heck. Why is my grocery store man here? He pulled out some food and buns and came up to the door. Turns out he knows Sue. I had no idea. But I have to tell you that it was a kind of surreal experience.
People came and went all day and most of the night. I knew I had to go to work today so I left at around 11pm. Funny thing that, as soon as I got into my house I started to bawl my eyes out. I guess I had tried so hard to keep it together all day that the minute I was in my own home I really lost it.
I have no idea what time I finally got to sleep. All I know is today I am so tired. Mentally and physically. And I have no desire what so ever to be here at work. I feel as if I should be home.. well next door with Sue. I don’t see myself here for long today.
I’m tired and sad.
At 5am I got a call letting me know my uncle had passed away. After trying to pull myself together for a few minutes I went over to sit with his wife to wait for the funeral home to pick up his body. The hospice nurse was there to take the morphine all ready. I went over and said goodbye to him. I swear I was completely numb at that point. Hell I think I was numb for most of yesterday.
The funeral home came and got him about 6:30 am. His wife really lost it at that point. Actually so did I. We all sat in the living room in shock and horror. As much as you prepare yourself for death when it happens it still kicks you in the ass.
We talked and made phone calls once it got to 8am. The honey needing something to do went to McDonalds and got everyone some breakfast mcmuffins. Around 9 people started trickling in. You know we would all just pull ourselves together when the next batch would come causing us all to lose it again.
I lost the time from 11 to 4. Seriously I have no idea where it went. I know I was there but I really don’t remember it to well. It is kind of a blur. Somewhere in there the honey went to Togo’s and brought us all food again.
Around 6 we decided it was time for wine and maybe a beer or two. His son and I drank a bottle of wine. I think the two of us needed that few minutes of bonding time after all the activity of the day. At one point a man pulled up in the driveway. I looked at him and thought what the heck. Why is my grocery store man here? He pulled out some food and buns and came up to the door. Turns out he knows Sue. I had no idea. But I have to tell you that it was a kind of surreal experience.
People came and went all day and most of the night. I knew I had to go to work today so I left at around 11pm. Funny thing that, as soon as I got into my house I started to bawl my eyes out. I guess I had tried so hard to keep it together all day that the minute I was in my own home I really lost it.
I have no idea what time I finally got to sleep. All I know is today I am so tired. Mentally and physically. And I have no desire what so ever to be here at work. I feel as if I should be home.. well next door with Sue. I don’t see myself here for long today.
I’m tired and sad.
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