Thursday, July 8, 2010

I realized something today

Well a few things actually. One I have turned into gloom and doom girl which explains why no one comments anymore. (Besides a rare wonderful few)Of course if I actually commented on all the blogs I read daily I would probably get more in response but I just... I just don't have the energy :(
Two, today marks the one year anniversary of my uncle David's death. Which means I have had this blog for over a year now. I started this about 2 weeks before he died. Actually I think the day before I found out he had brain cancer.
I can't tell you how many times I have been in the backyard working on weeds or with the flowers when I hear a noise from his side of the fence. From the area he used to sit at every day. I can't tell you how many times I have walked towards his spot to yell something stupid over the fence. Or to tell him to shut the hell up (jokingly) only to remember he isn't there anymore. That he won't be ever again. And it hits me all over again. The sorrow. The anger. The loss. The sense of alone I get without him in my life.
He was a good man and he deserved to die with dignity. Cancer sucks.
Three, all I do is bitch bitch bitch. I bitch about my no job. I bitch about money. I have turned bitter and I hate it. Something has to give. I can feel myself stretching tighter and tighter. There is going to be a breaking point and I have no idea what the hell is going to happen.
So I need to cheer up. I need to mellow out. I need to calm down. To bad I just don't see it happening anytime soon.

AND I totally forgot to add the SYTYCD blurb which totally 100% doesn't go with this blog but I really don't give a flying fuck lol

Oh no Alex! Poor guy! He gave up a ton for this.

Kat - Very sparkly must be itchy dress. And why don't they comb her hair?

Lauren - Cha cha - Music totally didn't work. it was kind of boring for me. Hmmm the judges really liked it.

Jose - contemporary - soul mate dance - smoldering at the end. Very pretty. Wow he made me get all watery eyed when he did. The judges are correct he is all soul.

Kent - Hip Hop - He was pretty darn good in this. The routine was kind of slow though. He looks better and more comfy.

Adechike - Jazz - bar dance- her dress was so not sexy. In fact the whole thing wasn't as sexy as it could have been. I wasn't thrilled with it.

Billy - Thief dance - Something is not right with me today. I didn't like this one either. The music was good, the dance was good but blah.

Ashley - hip hop- ninja dance - Those pants are stupid. She did well. The whole ninja thing didn't work for me though.

Robert - jazz - Doll dance - Ouch she almost fell. I kind of hated that dance. People don't like him because he is an idiot and kind of fake.

Adechike - Bollywood - pretty high jumps in his genie outfit. GO KAT!! I loved that she asked why it was ok for Jose to do his own thing but Adechike got in trouble. The judges sure are hard on him. I don't think he was that bad. Mia was an ass saying she missed Alex.

Lauren and Kent - contemporary - young lovers dance - Ok that dance made me smile. Kent finally didn't have to act like a "man dog" in this one. The two of them matched well.

Ashley and Robert - quick step - They did really well. The dance looked good. They really need to stop calling it the kiss of death dance. I am sure that they all ready know that. Sheesh

Billy and Jose - african jazz - That was so interesting. it seemed to end to fast. Loved Billy's hair and he was damn creepy with his gumby sinew body. Jose was pretty good too. Not great but damn good.


  1. I'm sorry about your uncle. I remember after my mom died....something funny would happen and I would pick up the phone and actually start dialing her number to tell her about it before I would realize she wasn't here. I would have such vivid dreams about her, then wake up and think it was real, only to realize within seconds that it wasn't.

    I also went through a phase very recently where I became bitch bitch bitter. I was so over myself, but I couldn't get rid of me. Then, my situation changed and the clouds lifted. May the same happen for you.

  2. Hi, it sucks to lose someone. I know, if you read my blog, I lost my mum to cancer. Her and I were very close. I hope you feel better soon. I watched Dance last night too. Those people are so talented. Every dance was sensational.

  3. I don't watch much television - so really can't comment on the SYTYCD (did I get that right?) thing - plus I'm a horrible commenter - just ask anyone. But I'm working on it -but I'm alway reading and sympathizing or laughing, whatever the case may be.. I can totally understand where you are coming from. If you feel the need to bitch - bitch. Sometimes life sucks - it's not all grins & giggles for anyone. Just know that you've got folks out here rooting for you.

  4. Trust me when I say, sometimes you just need to rant, rave and bitch. I do it a lot. Well, I do it less now because I make a point of dealing with things as they hit me inside of just stuffing, like I used to. The place you are at in your life at the moment, quite frankly, sucks. I am sure you have had people tell you "so many people have it worse than you!" and they do, but you are experiencing the worst for YOU. It blows. It may get worse before it gets better, trust me. I have been in your situation, with a degree and 4 kids to care for, and everytime that I said "it just can't get any worse" it does >.> I don't know how spiritual or religious you are, but I have always believed that things happen for a reason. We never know what the reason is until way after the fact, if ever. Let me give you an example. I am a teacher. I always wanted to be a teacher. I have taught for 8 years. The last year I taught was the WORST year in all ways possible I have ever experienced. I seriously considered never teaching again. The next 2 years I have subbed, pretty regularly (mostly b/c no one else will hire me b/c they think I will up and leave if I get a teaching position). I used to believe that I had been called to teach, not necessarily because I know everything and I am the uber-teacher, but because I know how to relate to kids (ms/hs) I have old school expectations and am pretty good at getting kids involved. I can't find a fulltime teaching job to save my life. But i have learned something the last 2 years. I needed a 2x4 to the head to get me on track. As frustrating as subbing is, having kids stop me on my way in the door and ask who am subbing for and have them excited that its one of their teachers is pretty damn cool. I am learning that regardless of my history I don't HAVE to be the sole income earner, I don't HAVE to take care of all the hard stuff, I don't have to be the only active parent, I don't HAVE to find another career, I just need to learn patience and let things happen. Stressing gets me, and you, no where. Maybe your higher power is trying to tell you to slow down and look at the good things in your life. Maybe you need to grieve and get to the point where you can smile when you think of your uncle instead of get depressed. Maybe I need to end this comment, its a post of its own...sorry I hijacked.

  5. I'm sorry I have been commenting on your blog! I have meant too but was on vacation and didn't go near the computer.

    I totally get still missing your uncle. I still miss my mom who's been gone for 11 years. I still hear her voice at times and whenever a butterfly floats by I know she is checking up on me!