It is a big relief. Funny how it totally matches with me deciding to pound the pavement and find some kind of retail job.
Ok Damn it... this is my blog... .where all my warts and wrinkles hang out right? Where I can be honest with myself. Where I can be honest with the 3 readers I have.
Here is where I sound like a bitch.... or a snob I guess.
I am sorry in advance for my snobby views that I can't seem to cure but have a feeling I am about to....
When I was young I started out in fast food like almost everyone else. I was damn proud of that job. I felt like an adult.... Then time goes by and you realize working at the fast food place isn't for adults. It is for teenagers just starting out in the workforce or elderly people who want to work part time
(Can you see the snobby coming out yet?)
I decided to join a temporary agency and gain some skills. I was so damn green they had me doing everything from pounding bolts into concrete in an abandoned warehouse to working graveyard at IBM making sure the monster printers that printed out papers all night long didn't jam or run out of paper to dialing for surveys to filing. Once I got the filing down they had me do receptionist duties. It was there that I began to learn to type. That I began to teach myself systems like word and excel.
Those 8 hour shifts where I was expected to do nothing but smile and answer the phone I spent pushing every button to find out what they did.
Pretty soon I started getting admin jobs.
Each time I went up in the ladder I got a sense of pride. Of fulfilment. I was doing this. On my own. Learning what I needed. I was kicking some ass.
I worked my way up to office manager. Me.. a unschooled hillbilly. Me a self taught woman! I was proud. And I was making good money. There were plenty of other jobs in between. HR. Payroll. Assistant to the president of a company.
Then how it happened I have no idea. I ended up at a job as a estimator for a awning company. The work was fun. The pay was great. The boss was the biggest dick on the planet. He read my emails. Work or private. Around three years into the job I called him on it. He did everything in his power to make me quit. I refused to give him the satisfaction. He was going to fire me or I wasn't going.
I know I know but I have a stubborn streak too.
I got sick. I called in and talked to my supervisor. Not the boss. Three days I was sick. On the third day I got a letter telling me I was fired due to job abandonment. Let's just say I fought that with the labor board and won.
Then after a few more little jobs I got the estimator position at the paving company.
It was like coming home.
Day after day I learned more. After a year my salary was more then I ever could have imagined making. I was so proud. So happy to go to work. I felt like I had finally made it. That I was justified in all the hard work that I put into learning what I needed to know.
That me little old me was able to pick up a set of giant blueprints and tell you exactly what was on them. How big things were. That I could read a contract. A CONTRACT! And tell you what needed to be crossed out or what could stay.
I felt as though I scratched and bled and fought my ass off to get to this point. To this salary. I was honestly happy with myself. Proud of myself.
Then the economy tanked.
Then I got laid off.
Now it has been a year.....
A year where the resume that I have so carefully crafted hasn't worked. A year where all my skills that I fought so damn hard to get aren't enough. A year where my self esteem has fallen so damn far and so damn hard I am not sure how to get it back where it was.
And now I contemplate getting a retail job.
I don't know how to explain this to you except how it feels in my head.
I feel I am taking a giant leap backwards. I feel that everything I worked so hard for was for nothing. That I am an idiot for thinking that I could "make it".
I feel as though I am stepping down. That I have to start over again. That nothing I did mattered.That I fought to hard to get above my station. I mean after all really did I expect to do better then most people in my family. Did my pride get to big?
Will I get the job if offered one.. yes.
But I may never ever mentally be the same again.