Thursday, September 10, 2009

Irrational and rational fears

I decided to do another writer's workshop over at Mama Kat's.
The prompt was Scaredy Cat.

I have a few fears. A few that don't make any sense at all and a few that are normal to society. I don't choose to be a slave to these fears but man am I ever.

I am deathly afraid of heights. I am so afraid I can't even stand on a chair without my legs wobbling. I have frozen in place with my fingernails digging into the plaster and had to be removed from where I was. I honestly lost the ability to move.
I can fly in a plane without a problem, but give me a floor to ceiling window on a upper floor of a building and I burst into sweat within five feet of it.
There is this strange sensation that I get as I get close to a cliff. (height) It is like my body is going to throw me over. Not that I have any desire to get even near the damn thing but my body is a traitor! I don't know where that comes from but I sure wish it would go away.

As I have gotten older a fear has made itself known to me. One that I never had before. One that I have no idea where it came from. One that I realize is completely stupid and unreasonable but one that is there anyway.
If I go swimming in a lake with murky water I start getting the overwhelming fear that I am going to put my foot down on a decomposing body.
I KNOW! Ewwwwwwwwwww!
I have not seen a decomposing body in a lake. I have never watched someone be dragged from a lake. No body has ever been pulled from any lake I swim in that I am aware of. BUT as I get older that fear becomes more potent. I can feel my skin begin to crawl as soon as my toes hit the water. I can vividly imagine exactly what it will feel like and what my reaction would be.
I hate this fear.

Then there is the stupid fear. The one that makes you feel like an idiot. You know that turn off the light at the end of the hallway only to realize that the hallway is now pitch black and you have to walk through it. So instead of walking through it you actually run the length of it only at the end you slow your stupid self down so it looks like you walked down the hall. Even though in your head you know you sounded like a herd of elephants as you ran. This could happen anywhere. The garage, kitchen, hallway, bedroom. Random stupid fear.

Now this one takes a bit of explaining. I fear death. Not how am I going to die. Not what happens after I die. Not what comes before you die.
I fear that actual moment that your body gives out and you die. That moment your body gives up it's fight to live. That single moment between life and death.
I have seen this moment. I have held my grandmothers hand as she passed away. I have been in the vets office as I had a dying cat put to sleep. In both cases that moment... that single moment of death was horrifying. The struggle and the fight the body puts up to live and the soul puts up to go. Or the other way around.... is pure horror. Pure fucking hell. I fear that. I fear it a lot.

Hmmmm there are a lot more fears but I think I got a little ummm depressing here!!! Sorry!


  1. i'm a bid scaredy cat too. i fear nuclear radiation, germs, and people who aren't tidy.

  2. Im not really scared of heights, but I know the feeling like your body might toss you over. I feel like that when we go to the Grand Canyon, for some reason.

    I never thought about the dead body thing, but I ate walking in the ocean because I just know that creepy crawlings are going to touch my feet.

  3. Heights can be bothersome, although in my case it is more a fear of the edge bordering the height.

    I have to admit that I have never run down a dark hall. I have a friend who was blinded in his 40s and he told me the one thing he really wished was that he could have easily navigated the house without sight right after the accident. Taking it to heart, I often practice walking the house with my eyes closed and the lights off. A bit irrational, but fun.

    And I really truly have never worried about corpses in the water - I'm too busy worrying about stepping on the poisonous snakes. {*grin*}

  4. Ugg! I am afraid of everything.

    And now, I am probably going to be afraid of lake bottoms.



  5. I'm not afraid of much, but I understand that fear of putting your feet down in a lake. Float on a raft or something

  6. Wow. This is going to sound odd, but those are my fears, too. And I've never been able to articulate the death thing until I read what you wrote - perfect.

    The heights thing? Oiiiiii. I feel you. And the lake thing. I love swimming near the shore but once we get out past waist height, I get scared. And I'm afraid of the dark in general.

    Thanks for sharing!!

  7. I'm afraid of death. I will literally have panic attacks when I think about it. It's irrational and dumb b/c one day we will all pass but I just cannot get over it.