You know I have a great friend. I swear I am surprised I didn’t send her running and screaming. Not many people would do what she did for me today. And hold it together like she did in the face of me losing it a bit. Or maybe losing it a lot.
My uncle is not doing well. His words are beginning to slur and he needed his first morphine today. But his wife needed the power of attorney signed for his medical.
Oh shit.. sheesh why is this so fucking hard for me. I can’t even type this without squirting damn tears out of my eyes.
He does not want any resuscitation effort made. Well the honey was suppose to witness and sign the DNR form last night but everyone got to talking and he left this morning for 2 days without signing the paper. David was better yesterday I think everyone expected there to be time. With the change in him today she needed the paper signed. It needed to not be a relative. That is where my poor friend came in. She had just come over for our Monday movie night instead she ended up witnessing a piece of paper that when handed to me felt like my heart fell out of my chest.
Seriously something about that paper kicked my ass. For the first time in front of him I began to well up and lose it. I tried really really hard to pull it together. It was rough. My poor friend. God I feel awful for having her have to do that. But thankful that she was willing too.
How do you thank someone for something like that? How do you tell someone how very much that meant to you? How very sorry she was put in that place? How wonderful a feeling to know that someone would do that for you and for David?
God I hated that piece of paper. To me that paper was death. Holding it was pure hell and all I wanted was it out of my hand. Now. And she signed it for me and David and Sue. I love her for that.
I hate this. I honestly hate this. I am so not freaking coping well at all.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Losing it a tad bit
You know when I started this blog I totally did not except to take a trip into gloom and doom land. Life is funny that way I guess.
I went to visit my uncle this weekend for the first time since finding out about his cancer. The walk next door was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. No one tells you how to handle things like this. I was literally shaking. I knew I didn’t want to boo hoo in front of him. I think the poor guy has enough on his plate without me losing it in front of him.
The first thing that struck me was the sign on the front door. No smoking or open flames. Oxygen in use. It kind of made things more blunt and real to me. When we got there he was lying on the couch with oxygen tubes in his nose and dragging along the floor. I smiled and sat on the couch to talk to him. And for some reason it really hit me. This is my uncle.. .the same uncle I have always had… the same man I have known for all my life. Cancer didn’t turn him into someone else to be feared.
It was sort of surreal.
We chatted for a while. Laughed a few times. Watched a little tv. But there were comments that made me turn my head towards the tv until I could pull myself together. He wanted a real cup of coffee. Not decaf. You know, if he wants that real cup of coffee shouldn’t he be able to have it? But the wife thinks it wouldn’t be good for him. It is not my place. He wants to go fishing so bad. But he says his outside oxygen tank is only good for 2 hours. Then he said he might as well go and just jump in and save everyone a lot of trouble.
Hold on a second because my nose just started to sting again and my eyes filled up.
I sincerely hope he doesn’t think that his condition is causing people trouble. But that is just so like him to think of other people before himself. And I welcome the “trouble”. Why? Because that means he is still here. Bring on the damn trouble.
I am going to figure out a way to take him fishing before he gets any worse. There has to be a way. The lake isn’t that far away.
Since that initial visit I have yelled goofy stuff to him over the fence. With his oxygen he is just able to reach the back porch to sit. He must think I am a nut. But then again he knows I am. He is too actually.
I am cooking dinner for them on Tuesday. Spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread. The honey will be taking over the mowing of their lawns. Every little bit helps right?
So far with him though he is mentally ok. He is all there. But with brain cancer that can change in an instant. So visiting as often as I can will be something I want to do.
On a personal note I am still kind of losing it. My sleep sucks. I burst into tears at weird random moments. I am forgetful. I can’t seem to remember shit lately. I feel kind of numb inside while at the same time lost. It is like I just can’t figure out what to do or what to think. I catch myself standing still in the middle of the kitchen not remembering how in the hell I got there or why I was there. Or standing in the shower bawling like a baby. My head hurts. Hell my fucking heart hurts. Laying in bed staring out the window at my uncle’s house sucks. But I can’t seem to get back to normal.
Sorry about the rambling on here. At some point my mind may get back to normal and my blog won’t be Gloom And Doom.
I went to visit my uncle this weekend for the first time since finding out about his cancer. The walk next door was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. No one tells you how to handle things like this. I was literally shaking. I knew I didn’t want to boo hoo in front of him. I think the poor guy has enough on his plate without me losing it in front of him.
The first thing that struck me was the sign on the front door. No smoking or open flames. Oxygen in use. It kind of made things more blunt and real to me. When we got there he was lying on the couch with oxygen tubes in his nose and dragging along the floor. I smiled and sat on the couch to talk to him. And for some reason it really hit me. This is my uncle.. .the same uncle I have always had… the same man I have known for all my life. Cancer didn’t turn him into someone else to be feared.
It was sort of surreal.
We chatted for a while. Laughed a few times. Watched a little tv. But there were comments that made me turn my head towards the tv until I could pull myself together. He wanted a real cup of coffee. Not decaf. You know, if he wants that real cup of coffee shouldn’t he be able to have it? But the wife thinks it wouldn’t be good for him. It is not my place. He wants to go fishing so bad. But he says his outside oxygen tank is only good for 2 hours. Then he said he might as well go and just jump in and save everyone a lot of trouble.
Hold on a second because my nose just started to sting again and my eyes filled up.
I sincerely hope he doesn’t think that his condition is causing people trouble. But that is just so like him to think of other people before himself. And I welcome the “trouble”. Why? Because that means he is still here. Bring on the damn trouble.
I am going to figure out a way to take him fishing before he gets any worse. There has to be a way. The lake isn’t that far away.
Since that initial visit I have yelled goofy stuff to him over the fence. With his oxygen he is just able to reach the back porch to sit. He must think I am a nut. But then again he knows I am. He is too actually.
I am cooking dinner for them on Tuesday. Spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread. The honey will be taking over the mowing of their lawns. Every little bit helps right?
So far with him though he is mentally ok. He is all there. But with brain cancer that can change in an instant. So visiting as often as I can will be something I want to do.
On a personal note I am still kind of losing it. My sleep sucks. I burst into tears at weird random moments. I am forgetful. I can’t seem to remember shit lately. I feel kind of numb inside while at the same time lost. It is like I just can’t figure out what to do or what to think. I catch myself standing still in the middle of the kitchen not remembering how in the hell I got there or why I was there. Or standing in the shower bawling like a baby. My head hurts. Hell my fucking heart hurts. Laying in bed staring out the window at my uncle’s house sucks. But I can’t seem to get back to normal.
Sorry about the rambling on here. At some point my mind may get back to normal and my blog won’t be Gloom And Doom.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
It's bad news
Well I got news on my Uncle David. It’s not good. He has stage 4 cancer. He has tumors in every vital organ. There is nothing they can do. They are not sure how long he has to live. He will be coming home either today or tomorrow.
He is a great man. He has been a pretty big part of my life. I use to watch his children when he worked. He would go out of town Monday through Friday, returning Friday night. I would stay at the house and get the kids ready for school and pretty much live with them for the week.
He is funny and grumpy and loving. He is my next door neighbor.
Emotionally I am all over the map here. When I first heard the news I started to bawl like a big old baby. Then I had to go next door and talk to his wife. That was so damn hard. We cried and laughed and talked about what was going to happen. We discussed cremation and spreading ashes. We talked about how hard it is going to be for the next little while. All those details that pop up. Getting a plastic liner for the bed since he is going to end up bed ridden. Stuff like that.
The family knows he has cancer. Most of them don’t know it is stage 4 and unfixable.
I cannot even imagine the knowledge that you are going home to die. How that must screw with you mentally. How scared, hell terrified you must be.
Then there are the family members. When he comes home we will all be going to visit him. What do you say?
Seriously.
What do you say? He knows he is dying. I know he is dying. Do you walk up and say what? I am sorry? I love you? God Damn this is fucked up David? What?
I don’t want to walk over all perky. All happy. But I also don’t want to walk over there with my eyes wet and a giant frown. No one tells you how to deal with this. How to act. How to think.
We are one way in a good place. We have the time to say goodbye. We have the time to hold hands and show our love. But fuck how freaking awful. He is only 60.
Crap.
My emotions are all over the map. Tears, headache, coldness. I am so damn sad. I am so damn disappointed this is happening. I am kind of numb too.
Hug your loved ones today people. Hug them hard ok.
He is a great man. He has been a pretty big part of my life. I use to watch his children when he worked. He would go out of town Monday through Friday, returning Friday night. I would stay at the house and get the kids ready for school and pretty much live with them for the week.
He is funny and grumpy and loving. He is my next door neighbor.
Emotionally I am all over the map here. When I first heard the news I started to bawl like a big old baby. Then I had to go next door and talk to his wife. That was so damn hard. We cried and laughed and talked about what was going to happen. We discussed cremation and spreading ashes. We talked about how hard it is going to be for the next little while. All those details that pop up. Getting a plastic liner for the bed since he is going to end up bed ridden. Stuff like that.
The family knows he has cancer. Most of them don’t know it is stage 4 and unfixable.
I cannot even imagine the knowledge that you are going home to die. How that must screw with you mentally. How scared, hell terrified you must be.
Then there are the family members. When he comes home we will all be going to visit him. What do you say?
Seriously.
What do you say? He knows he is dying. I know he is dying. Do you walk up and say what? I am sorry? I love you? God Damn this is fucked up David? What?
I don’t want to walk over all perky. All happy. But I also don’t want to walk over there with my eyes wet and a giant frown. No one tells you how to deal with this. How to act. How to think.
We are one way in a good place. We have the time to say goodbye. We have the time to hold hands and show our love. But fuck how freaking awful. He is only 60.
Crap.
My emotions are all over the map. Tears, headache, coldness. I am so damn sad. I am so damn disappointed this is happening. I am kind of numb too.
Hug your loved ones today people. Hug them hard ok.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
All about me.... sort of
Ok. So I have no real news on either Uncle. Except that Uncle Bill seems to be going through congestive heart failure. Joy.
But I wanted to tell you about me so you all (ok one of you LMAO) don’t run away as fast as possible.
I am a 41 year old woman who has never married or had children. Although I have been dating the same man for the last 19 years. YES, I know! Anywhoooo…..We have furry kids. Two huge monster dogs and four cats. Well, 3 ½ cats. Mootch is a stray I am trying very hard to tame. We feed him but don’t get to touch him. Hmmm sounds like… never mind LMAO!
The BF is currently out of work. Hell he has been out of work since November. Talk about a bummer. But there is nothing out there for him. It really puts a strain on things. Hopefully soon though. Maybe after our vacation.
I am currently 4 weeks away from my first vacation in 9 years. We are going on a cruise to Alaska. YEE FREAKING HAW!! We have had this planned for the last year so it being this close is so exciting I am ready to pee my pants. I still need things though. I need to buy a coat and shoes and a camera. Oh and I need to buy pants.
We purchased this before the loss of the job. His company just flat out closed the doors on the employees. No final paycheck. No vacation pay. No Cobra. Nothing.
I am a tv junkie. Lost is my true love. I am very sad it is ending next year. I also love a few other shows.
American Idol (Adam should have won), Bones, Deadliest Catch, Survivor, Ghost Hunters, Iron Chef America, So you think you can Dance, Big Brother. There are a lot more. *blushes.
The other thing I am is a reader. I am a bookaholic. I need books like other people need air. I at all times have 2 books on me. The second one is in case I finish the first. I do not want to be stuck reading the gum package or my car manual or anything goofy like that. And trust me I have.
My first love of reading is horror closely followed by paranormal romance. I cannot do true crime or real life stories. I am reading to get away from it all not learn. If I want to learn I will watch the Discovery channel or do research on the internet.
So there my boring self is.
But I wanted to tell you about me so you all (ok one of you LMAO) don’t run away as fast as possible.
I am a 41 year old woman who has never married or had children. Although I have been dating the same man for the last 19 years. YES, I know! Anywhoooo…..We have furry kids. Two huge monster dogs and four cats. Well, 3 ½ cats. Mootch is a stray I am trying very hard to tame. We feed him but don’t get to touch him. Hmmm sounds like… never mind LMAO!
The BF is currently out of work. Hell he has been out of work since November. Talk about a bummer. But there is nothing out there for him. It really puts a strain on things. Hopefully soon though. Maybe after our vacation.
I am currently 4 weeks away from my first vacation in 9 years. We are going on a cruise to Alaska. YEE FREAKING HAW!! We have had this planned for the last year so it being this close is so exciting I am ready to pee my pants. I still need things though. I need to buy a coat and shoes and a camera. Oh and I need to buy pants.
We purchased this before the loss of the job. His company just flat out closed the doors on the employees. No final paycheck. No vacation pay. No Cobra. Nothing.
I am a tv junkie. Lost is my true love. I am very sad it is ending next year. I also love a few other shows.
American Idol (Adam should have won), Bones, Deadliest Catch, Survivor, Ghost Hunters, Iron Chef America, So you think you can Dance, Big Brother. There are a lot more. *blushes.
The other thing I am is a reader. I am a bookaholic. I need books like other people need air. I at all times have 2 books on me. The second one is in case I finish the first. I do not want to be stuck reading the gum package or my car manual or anything goofy like that. And trust me I have.
My first love of reading is horror closely followed by paranormal romance. I cannot do true crime or real life stories. I am reading to get away from it all not learn. If I want to learn I will watch the Discovery channel or do research on the internet.
So there my boring self is.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Kicked in the teeth
UGH!!!
Welcome to my happy blog that turned into a non happy blog due to a phone call this morning. I spent last night determining what I wanted to talk about and was pretty excited to do so today.
However, sometimes plans don’t happen. Sometimes life just comes along and kicks you in the teeth without warning. That happened to me this morning.
As I was getting ready for work my cell phone rang. I get up to go answer it since no one ever calls me on the darn thing and I was curious as to who it was. Turns out it is my mother.
Now since I rarely ever talk to my mother on the phone, maybe 2 or 3 times a year, I knew something was up. She proceeds to tell me that my Uncle Bill had a heart attack and is in intensive care. Great. Then she proceeds to tell me that my Uncle David ended up being kept at the hospital last night when he went for an appointment. You know when they keep you after a routine appointment it isn’t a good thing.
After that incredibly uplifting phone call I drive to work and call David’s wife to find out what is going on. Turns out he has a large mass on his lung. She says they think he has lung cancer but are not 100% sure. They are doing a biopsy today on the mass. They also found spots on his liver. And I guess he is on oxygen.
This sent me into a tailspin. A pretty hard core depressed state to be honest. My grandmother passed away due to lung cancer. I don’t think I am ready for anything to happen to either one of them.
So….sorry no cheer from me today. No funny quips or smiles. Just a few knocked out teeth and a bruise where my heart is.
Welcome to my happy blog that turned into a non happy blog due to a phone call this morning. I spent last night determining what I wanted to talk about and was pretty excited to do so today.
However, sometimes plans don’t happen. Sometimes life just comes along and kicks you in the teeth without warning. That happened to me this morning.
As I was getting ready for work my cell phone rang. I get up to go answer it since no one ever calls me on the darn thing and I was curious as to who it was. Turns out it is my mother.
Now since I rarely ever talk to my mother on the phone, maybe 2 or 3 times a year, I knew something was up. She proceeds to tell me that my Uncle Bill had a heart attack and is in intensive care. Great. Then she proceeds to tell me that my Uncle David ended up being kept at the hospital last night when he went for an appointment. You know when they keep you after a routine appointment it isn’t a good thing.
After that incredibly uplifting phone call I drive to work and call David’s wife to find out what is going on. Turns out he has a large mass on his lung. She says they think he has lung cancer but are not 100% sure. They are doing a biopsy today on the mass. They also found spots on his liver. And I guess he is on oxygen.
This sent me into a tailspin. A pretty hard core depressed state to be honest. My grandmother passed away due to lung cancer. I don’t think I am ready for anything to happen to either one of them.
So….sorry no cheer from me today. No funny quips or smiles. Just a few knocked out teeth and a bruise where my heart is.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Hey there
I have been throwing around the idea of writing a blog for a while now. The problem is I am computer stupid. Oh I can turn it on and navigate around different sites but setting up a webpage is a little more difficult.
In my head I see a fancy blog with pictures and fun graphics. In reality though I put the header you now see up and that is the extent of what I have been able to figure out. So the look may or may not change depending on how frustrated I feel like getting that day lol.
Why have I thought about a blog? Because there are things I see or read where I think “man I need to bitch about that” or “man someone else besides me needs to worry” or “Am I worrying about nothing” or “man, am I bored so I am going to gab my brains out to random strangers.”
An example: This morning I get up to get ready for work. I sit in front of the computer putting my make up on and pull up Yahoo news. See I like to know if anyone blew anyone up or any kind of major weird thing happened while I slept.
I have no idea why but that is just what I do in the morning.
Front page news stories… North Korea threatens to harm US if attacked and Obama: US ready for any threat from North Korea
So there I am reading these articles. Have you followed any of this? And I am thinking what the hell is wrong with North Korea?
We are like two bullies who are poking each other with pointy sticks.
I would like to talk to the leader of North Korea and say.. “Hey dude, you know if you just turn your missile around a mile away from Hawaii, where no one is, no one would be bothering you”
But it is like they stopped thinking reality. The US and North Korea. Sure the leaders may “prove who has a bigger dick and a better military” but random people like me and you are the ones that are going to pay.
It is just plain stupid UGH.
Oops, got negative and cussed in my first post! Get used to it I guess. I never have been one to hold my tongue.
Hope you stick around! (that is if anyone ever accidently happens across this blog *snort)
In my head I see a fancy blog with pictures and fun graphics. In reality though I put the header you now see up and that is the extent of what I have been able to figure out. So the look may or may not change depending on how frustrated I feel like getting that day lol.
Why have I thought about a blog? Because there are things I see or read where I think “man I need to bitch about that” or “man someone else besides me needs to worry” or “Am I worrying about nothing” or “man, am I bored so I am going to gab my brains out to random strangers.”
An example: This morning I get up to get ready for work. I sit in front of the computer putting my make up on and pull up Yahoo news. See I like to know if anyone blew anyone up or any kind of major weird thing happened while I slept.
I have no idea why but that is just what I do in the morning.
Front page news stories… North Korea threatens to harm US if attacked and Obama: US ready for any threat from North Korea
So there I am reading these articles. Have you followed any of this? And I am thinking what the hell is wrong with North Korea?
We are like two bullies who are poking each other with pointy sticks.
I would like to talk to the leader of North Korea and say.. “Hey dude, you know if you just turn your missile around a mile away from Hawaii, where no one is, no one would be bothering you”
But it is like they stopped thinking reality. The US and North Korea. Sure the leaders may “prove who has a bigger dick and a better military” but random people like me and you are the ones that are going to pay.
It is just plain stupid UGH.
Oops, got negative and cussed in my first post! Get used to it I guess. I never have been one to hold my tongue.
Hope you stick around! (that is if anyone ever accidently happens across this blog *snort)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
