You know how when something bothers you it builds up and builds up to the point where when you think about it you can feel your nose sting and your eyes water? Welcome to where I am at.
I had such high expectations for this job. I was so happy to get it I did a little happy dance of joy. I grinned so wide all of my teeth showed. That was exactly 16 days ago.
Now I want to say sorry for all the bitching I have done in my blog lately before getting onto the spewing of frustrations lol. I am sorry. This blog has just not worked exactly the way I thought it was. I thought I would have a upbeat happy blog. Who knew I would have a ..... ummm who the hell knows what kind of blog this is.
Today I get to go into work at 9am. My actual start time when hired was 8am. 8am to 4:30. I don't work them every day. In fact I have no idea how long I will work on any given day. This frustrates me. I am a planner. I like to know exactly how much my check is going to be so that I can plan out my bills. I like to know exactly what time I will be at work and leave work each day so I can plan out things like grocery shopping or cooking dinner.
I mean if I know I am going to leave for home at 2:45 on Thursday (yup that is what happened yesterday)I would plan to do my errands that day instead of doing it after work Wednesday. I would plan on making something that takes a little longer for dinner instead of the easy dinners we have on the days I get home at 5pm.
Instead I feel as though I am in some kind of limbo land and it just is plain not working for me. It makes me tense and antsy.
Shall I walk you through yesterday?
I pull up to work at 8am, get out of the car and walk in the door. Before I even sit down the estimator says don't get comfortable we need you to head over to Safeway and pick up some half and half since we are out.
Fine. I hop back into the car and drive over to Safeway. While I am there I decide what the hell I am going to get a few donuts for everyone at work. So I pick them up in the bakery and head back to work. I set them down and tell everyone to have one. No one moves. I mean this is a group of men and by the end of the day only one donut was gone. WTF.
I do the morning tasks I have given myself. I make some phone calls. File some stuff and run out of things to do. They send me to Staples to pick up some reams of paper and highlighters. I get back and rearrange the estimators stupid bookshelf.
Seriously did he really need to move the two bottom shelf stuff on to the two top shelves?
At that point I went on my half an hour lunch. Came back and asked the estimator for something to do. (something I am seriously sick to death of asking by the way.)
He gives me a list of plans he wants printed out. Only I have to print the first page, hand it to him so he can highlight the pages he wants printed and go back to my desk to print them out. At the 4th page I hand him to highlight he gives out this frustrated sigh and says I am keeping him from doing his job. WTF you gave me this project dude. Within 15 minutes of that I was sent home and told not to come in until 9 today.
I cannot tell you the level of embarrassment and anger that I felt towards the estimator when he told me I was keeping him from his job.
I cannot tell you the sense of disappointment I had driving home. The sadness that my stupid job sucked so damn bad that I dreaded going. That I felt such disappointment driving home. The sense of... failure. Yes my job makes me feel like a damn fucking failure. And trust me I know I am not.
I walk into that office feeling like a pest. I have gotten to the point where I feel like an ass for asking for something to do. Seriously how screwed up is that? I don't get satisfaction from a job completed. Instead I get a OH shit what in the hell can I do so I don't have to ask for something to do feeling.
It is wearing me down.
The only thing I can think to do is apply for other jobs. But how in the hell do you go on a interview when working for another company. And my company is 25 minutes away from my city where most interviews would probably be. And remember how freaking long it took me to get THIS interview. I feel like my leg is caught in a bear trap and I am just about frustrated enough to put my head down and chew my own foot off.
To be totally honest if things don't change soon I am not sure what I will do. Will I wake up one day and just roll over and go back to sleep? I mean I am all ready to the point of moping to my truck when it is time to leave.
Will I stay in the silent zone. Put my head down and become a good little no feelings no talking non human robot worker like everyone else?
I am so sad. And so fucking angry.