Trend in not posting......more tiny bites.

I have noticed a trend. PMS = not posting. Why I have no idea but there it is.

Yesterday was my 20 year anniversary of dating the honey. TWENTY YEARS PEOPLE!!! I am not sure if I should be proud as hell or embarrassed LOL. I spent it watching the Sharks play playoff hockey on tv and was happy.

WOO FREAKING HOO to playoff hockey. It is so exciting to watch. We are up 3 games to 2 with the next game on Saturday. The Sharks seem to have bad luck in the playoffs so I am hoping this year it is different. We are due to win that stupid Stanley cup dang it!!!

Lost... Lost only has a few more episodes. I have no freaking idea how in the hell they are going to tie everything up. I have no idea what the hell is happening. But this is my favorite show. I am looking forward to the end while at the same time dreading it coming to an end.

A bloggy friend of mine Kevin posted some questions the other day. Hard ass questions that made me actually sit back and think. Evaluate who I am.

Here are his questions....
What gets you out of bed in the morning? (Not your alarm, but your motivation.)

What do you believe is your purpose in life? What is your reason for living?

What do you live for? What keeps you going?


I KNOW! Hard right?
Here were my answers....
These questions are hard. I thought about them all night.
What gets you out of bed in the morning? (Not your alarm, but your motivation.)
Do I have a motivation? No. I get up because I have to. I get up because I am awake. I have nothing that makes me bound from my bed in happiness or joy or fear or desire. I get up because that is what we do.

What do you believe is your purpose in life? What is your reason for living?
You know these questions make me feel like I have nothing going for me.
What is my purpose in life? I think if I boil it all down the only thing I can think of is to take care of my grandmother. To make sure she lives a happy and long life.
What is my reason for living? Hell, I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like a waste of space. That I will be one of those people when gone no one misses. I have no children. I live because I have a heartbeat.
Wow don’t I sound like a cheerful person. But I am cheerful most of the time.

What do you live for? I live because I am alive. I live for the hopes of a happy life. Of being satisfied with who and what I am in the long run.

What keeps you going? Hope. Hope that I am doing this life right. Hope that happy is all I need to be. Hope that someday, some where I might do something that means something.

You know Kevin these are hard questions. They make you look deep inside and wonder if you are good enough. I think that is a fear we all have. That we are not good enough. Beautiful enough. Smart enough. That we are wasting this life we are given. That we aren’t owning up to our potential. That we are settling instead of doing. That nothing we do really matters in the long run.

I am curious for others answers too


Now reading my answers make me sound like some kind of gloom and doom girl right? Those of you who read this blog know I am not gloom and doom all the time. I mean we all have our moments of course but still.
I have spent the last few days thinking and thinking about my answers. Not one of them changed.
I began to wonder do I really need to have a purpose to be happy? Do I really need something to motivate me to get out of bed? Can't I just be thankful that I lived through the night to wake up the next day? Can't I just live this life without labeling it as a certain kind of life?
I may not be a super savior of people or animals or bugs. I may not be the perky perfect woman. I may not be who everyone thinks they want me to be. I may not be happy 24/7. I may cuss like a sailor. I may not be who I believe I should be due to the expectations put onto me by society. But damn it I am human and I am ME.
I will not change who I am to fit into what others think I should be. I will not censor myself because other people do. I will not pretend to be someone or something I am not even if others look down on me. I will be happy with who I am and what I have.
Yes it would be nice to have more.. money.. looks...weight loss.. brains..blah freaking BLAH.
But I was given this one life and I will damn well live it the way I want to.

*flips the middle finger at all of those who judge me on what society says I should be like instead of the soul inside of me.



OK.... wow... ummm went off on a tangent there didn't I.

AHEM!