Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I don't know what else to talk about

I feel like I am freaking out. I have gone through every emotion possible since I lost my job. Grief, sadness, hope, anger, depression, hopelessness. I apply every day. Multiple times a day. Nobody is biting. I am applying for things I am not qualified for, things I am qualified for and things I am over qualified for. Hell I am pretty much applying for anything that even sounds remotely like I could do it. Nothing. NOTHING.
I am going on two years of unemployment at the end of July. I thought about schooling but it is like my brain shuts down and for the life of me I can't find anything remotely interesting. (Minus pastry but that would cost me almost $40,000... hello unemployed) I have no idea how I would even go about schooling.
I just don't have the energy for anything. I don't have any drive left inside of me. I apply because I have to but I have gotten to the point where I sure in the hell don't expect to hear back from anyone.
I applied for a job that was almost word for word my last position. I thought that job would at least call me. NOTHING.
I am flat out done. I have no idea what more I can do. I am scared and hurt. Yes hurt which is stupid but I worked so damn hard to get the skills I have and then to have no one want them? UGH.
Most of my friends and family do not understand why I don't have a job yet. Even the honey doesn't understand. There have been tons and tons of comments about how I must not even be trying to get a job. Those comments cut deep. The settle on my soul and make me feel worse then I all ready do. I don't understand why people don't understand that I don't want this. That it makes me feel like less of a person. That each comment they make hurts and drags me down deeper into this damn depression that I can't claw myself out of. It was even a conversation during a Christmas party where everyone laughed and said I just wanted to be a housewife and started teasing the honey. I was mortified.
I am tired of watching every penny I have. I am tired of needing help sometimes with the groceries or bills. I have no fucking pride left. I hate this so much.
I am embarrassed about not having a job. So embarrassed. So fucking embarrassed.
I wish to God that this was over all ready. It has to end right? Right?

I think I am losing my mind.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Hello all

I just haven't been in the right place to blog lately. Hell I am not in the right place to do anything lately. I got to the point where I started to think they don't want to hear me bitch about not having a job anymore but I don't know what else to talk about.
I am just plain frustrated with my situation. I really got a shock the other day as I was tweeking my resume to apply for a job and looked down at the date I left my last job. 2009. Fuck.
That threw me into some kind of tailspin that I haven't been able to get out of. I suck. Sigh.
I have skills. I want to work. Why in the hell can't I find work. And of course the longer I am off the less people are going to want to hire me. It is horrid.

Anywhoooo I just wanted to say I am alive and here still.