In two freaking days I will be sailing under the Golden Gate bridge on my way to Alaska for 10 peace filled days.
I will forget my worries... I hope. I will forget about not having a job. I will forget that money will be getting tight. I will shelve all the sadness from my uncles death... sort of. And I will not worry myself sick over my grandmother. Who by the way said brain tumor to me yesterday. Not I have a brain tumor but they are looking into her problem being a brain tumor.
Ok deep breath!
I will enjoy this vacation if it kills me. Period!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Sometimes life just sucks
Well I have had time to adjust to the idea of no longer having a job. And you know what? It sucks bad. I knew the company was slow. After all it was in the construction field but in no way was I expecting to be laid off.
We had a weekly meeting and as I grabbed my pen to go my boss called me into his office. He gave me the flower speech about how it wasn’t due to my performance but due to the economy. He had me sign papers and made sure to point out that I was on the call back list. Like that is going to happen. I figure that is just their way of making themselves feel better. He handed me my last paycheck and a check for the vacation and sent me off to pack my room.
This company has been my job for 2 years and 11 months. The people are like family there. This is the first time I ever LOVED my job. To say this hurt is an understatement.
So now I am pretty well screwed. I live in California and let me tell you something. The job market in the bay area sucks. In fact I did a quick search just to see what was out there for when I get home from my cruise (oh way to totally enjoy a vacation right?) and I found one job. One…. And it was in Utah and I had narrowed my search down to my city.
I am totally frightened and really rather bummed out. The honey has been out of work since November of last year. I really am not in the mood to starve to death you know. UGH. However, he is going on his first interview since November today so cross your fingers people ok.
Today I get the stitches out of my mouth. And I get to make two memorial boards for my uncle for the wake tomorrow. At least now I have time.
I need not to dwell on all the shitty crap that has happened in the last few weeks and start thinking of the positive. The problem is I can’t think of any positives.
We had a weekly meeting and as I grabbed my pen to go my boss called me into his office. He gave me the flower speech about how it wasn’t due to my performance but due to the economy. He had me sign papers and made sure to point out that I was on the call back list. Like that is going to happen. I figure that is just their way of making themselves feel better. He handed me my last paycheck and a check for the vacation and sent me off to pack my room.
This company has been my job for 2 years and 11 months. The people are like family there. This is the first time I ever LOVED my job. To say this hurt is an understatement.
So now I am pretty well screwed. I live in California and let me tell you something. The job market in the bay area sucks. In fact I did a quick search just to see what was out there for when I get home from my cruise (oh way to totally enjoy a vacation right?) and I found one job. One…. And it was in Utah and I had narrowed my search down to my city.
I am totally frightened and really rather bummed out. The honey has been out of work since November of last year. I really am not in the mood to starve to death you know. UGH. However, he is going on his first interview since November today so cross your fingers people ok.
Today I get the stitches out of my mouth. And I get to make two memorial boards for my uncle for the wake tomorrow. At least now I have time.
I need not to dwell on all the shitty crap that has happened in the last few weeks and start thinking of the positive. The problem is I can’t think of any positives.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Insecurity
I work as an estimator in the construction industry. I get a set of blue prints do a take off and send out a price for the work they want completed. After a week or two I call them back to see how we did. Sometimes they don’t know yet, sometimes we lose the job to someone else or they tell me we got the job. This is the point where I feel full of pride for a job well done. The point that makes my job feel rewarding.
I know that I shouldn’t base my job satisfaction on being awarded jobs. Especially right now in this economic time. But for some reason I do.
However, late last Friday there was a switcheroo pulled on me. My boss decided that the Field superintendant should take the last few months of bids and start calling on them. Build up relationships with them. He said it was due to this being such a slow period. So they took all my bids and gave them to him. (Mind you they took the other estimator’s back log too)
When it first happened I was pretty ok with it. After all the calls need to be made and sometimes we don’t get back to them as quickly as we would like. But as the weekend wore on I got more wierded out. How am I suppose to get the pride of a job well done if someone else makes that phone call. If someone else gets told we got the job?
Yes I understand it is still technically my job but I didn’t get it anymore. I didn’t hear the news. That sense of excitement was taken away from me.
The other problem is the person who is now making the calls is a credit taker. Do you know what I mean? Someone who feels the need to take credit for whatever just happened. Someone who feels the need to let everyone know that it is because of him that this or that happened. Now it will be because of him we got the job. No longer will my hard work be the reason we got the work instead it will be the one phone call he made.
This bothers me. A lot.
I understand what is good for the company is good for me but I feel as though my job pride was just stripped away. I have no idea how to handle that. Am I making too much of this?
I know that I shouldn’t base my job satisfaction on being awarded jobs. Especially right now in this economic time. But for some reason I do.
However, late last Friday there was a switcheroo pulled on me. My boss decided that the Field superintendant should take the last few months of bids and start calling on them. Build up relationships with them. He said it was due to this being such a slow period. So they took all my bids and gave them to him. (Mind you they took the other estimator’s back log too)
When it first happened I was pretty ok with it. After all the calls need to be made and sometimes we don’t get back to them as quickly as we would like. But as the weekend wore on I got more wierded out. How am I suppose to get the pride of a job well done if someone else makes that phone call. If someone else gets told we got the job?
Yes I understand it is still technically my job but I didn’t get it anymore. I didn’t hear the news. That sense of excitement was taken away from me.
The other problem is the person who is now making the calls is a credit taker. Do you know what I mean? Someone who feels the need to take credit for whatever just happened. Someone who feels the need to let everyone know that it is because of him that this or that happened. Now it will be because of him we got the job. No longer will my hard work be the reason we got the work instead it will be the one phone call he made.
This bothers me. A lot.
I understand what is good for the company is good for me but I feel as though my job pride was just stripped away. I have no idea how to handle that. Am I making too much of this?
Monday, July 13, 2009
Where was I last night
Last night a buddy and I went to the American Idol concert.... can you tell who we liked best?
This is when the house started to come down!
and this.. oh man did it get hot in that stadium. That SWAY
And a few visuals....
AND WOW
This is when the house started to come down!
and this.. oh man did it get hot in that stadium. That SWAY
And a few visuals....
AND WOW
Thursday, July 9, 2009
My uncle David passed away yesterday
Yesterday sucked.
At 5am I got a call letting me know my uncle had passed away. After trying to pull myself together for a few minutes I went over to sit with his wife to wait for the funeral home to pick up his body. The hospice nurse was there to take the morphine all ready. I went over and said goodbye to him. I swear I was completely numb at that point. Hell I think I was numb for most of yesterday.
The funeral home came and got him about 6:30 am. His wife really lost it at that point. Actually so did I. We all sat in the living room in shock and horror. As much as you prepare yourself for death when it happens it still kicks you in the ass.
We talked and made phone calls once it got to 8am. The honey needing something to do went to McDonalds and got everyone some breakfast mcmuffins. Around 9 people started trickling in. You know we would all just pull ourselves together when the next batch would come causing us all to lose it again.
I lost the time from 11 to 4. Seriously I have no idea where it went. I know I was there but I really don’t remember it to well. It is kind of a blur. Somewhere in there the honey went to Togo’s and brought us all food again.
Around 6 we decided it was time for wine and maybe a beer or two. His son and I drank a bottle of wine. I think the two of us needed that few minutes of bonding time after all the activity of the day. At one point a man pulled up in the driveway. I looked at him and thought what the heck. Why is my grocery store man here? He pulled out some food and buns and came up to the door. Turns out he knows Sue. I had no idea. But I have to tell you that it was a kind of surreal experience.
People came and went all day and most of the night. I knew I had to go to work today so I left at around 11pm. Funny thing that, as soon as I got into my house I started to bawl my eyes out. I guess I had tried so hard to keep it together all day that the minute I was in my own home I really lost it.
I have no idea what time I finally got to sleep. All I know is today I am so tired. Mentally and physically. And I have no desire what so ever to be here at work. I feel as if I should be home.. well next door with Sue. I don’t see myself here for long today.
I’m tired and sad.
At 5am I got a call letting me know my uncle had passed away. After trying to pull myself together for a few minutes I went over to sit with his wife to wait for the funeral home to pick up his body. The hospice nurse was there to take the morphine all ready. I went over and said goodbye to him. I swear I was completely numb at that point. Hell I think I was numb for most of yesterday.
The funeral home came and got him about 6:30 am. His wife really lost it at that point. Actually so did I. We all sat in the living room in shock and horror. As much as you prepare yourself for death when it happens it still kicks you in the ass.
We talked and made phone calls once it got to 8am. The honey needing something to do went to McDonalds and got everyone some breakfast mcmuffins. Around 9 people started trickling in. You know we would all just pull ourselves together when the next batch would come causing us all to lose it again.
I lost the time from 11 to 4. Seriously I have no idea where it went. I know I was there but I really don’t remember it to well. It is kind of a blur. Somewhere in there the honey went to Togo’s and brought us all food again.
Around 6 we decided it was time for wine and maybe a beer or two. His son and I drank a bottle of wine. I think the two of us needed that few minutes of bonding time after all the activity of the day. At one point a man pulled up in the driveway. I looked at him and thought what the heck. Why is my grocery store man here? He pulled out some food and buns and came up to the door. Turns out he knows Sue. I had no idea. But I have to tell you that it was a kind of surreal experience.
People came and went all day and most of the night. I knew I had to go to work today so I left at around 11pm. Funny thing that, as soon as I got into my house I started to bawl my eyes out. I guess I had tried so hard to keep it together all day that the minute I was in my own home I really lost it.
I have no idea what time I finally got to sleep. All I know is today I am so tired. Mentally and physically. And I have no desire what so ever to be here at work. I feel as if I should be home.. well next door with Sue. I don’t see myself here for long today.
I’m tired and sad.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Crawling out of my own skin
I am so antsy lately. So freaking paranoid. I can’t stop worrying about my uncle. It seems to color everything. The decline I am seeing in him is rapid and incredibly scary. He has stopped wanting to eat and doesn’t want to drink. He can’t talk very well anymore if he even talks at all. He is losing control of his body.
This strong man who has been there for me for my entire life is shrinking into himself. Handling it is not easy. His wife… god his poor wife. I have no idea how she is handling this. She has to help him walk now. And help him do all the things we take for granted. Going to the bathroom, showering, eating. I don’t know that I could be so strong. But I guess you do what needs to be done.
His son has taken some time off of work to stay over at their house starting last night. The way we figure it he has days left. His son wants to spend those last days with him.
Every day I go over to “pick some plums”. I walk in and wave and smile and tease him as I grab a bag to take some plums home. I am pretty darn tired of plums. But the people at work seem to like them. I am watching him sink into himself. Visibly shrink. It is horrible.
It feels almost creepy to be looking forward to going on my cruise or going to concerts when this is happening. I know that life goes on but my heart feels a tad bit different.
For the past two days I have tension in my shoulders. I am having trouble sleeping. I am tossing and turning and waking up multiple times. I find myself twisting my shirt in my hands or petting the dog or cats to the point where they are trying to get away. I feel tight and tense and nervous. I feel like I am crawling in my own skin. My stomach hurts and my head aches. I know it is tension. I just wish that I could mellow out a tad bit. I need to mellow out bad. I need to “Man Up” as they say. (Not that I am a man but you get the idea)
Ok enough gloom and doom. Geez I can’t seem to get away from it lately. Sorry.
This strong man who has been there for me for my entire life is shrinking into himself. Handling it is not easy. His wife… god his poor wife. I have no idea how she is handling this. She has to help him walk now. And help him do all the things we take for granted. Going to the bathroom, showering, eating. I don’t know that I could be so strong. But I guess you do what needs to be done.
His son has taken some time off of work to stay over at their house starting last night. The way we figure it he has days left. His son wants to spend those last days with him.
Every day I go over to “pick some plums”. I walk in and wave and smile and tease him as I grab a bag to take some plums home. I am pretty darn tired of plums. But the people at work seem to like them. I am watching him sink into himself. Visibly shrink. It is horrible.
It feels almost creepy to be looking forward to going on my cruise or going to concerts when this is happening. I know that life goes on but my heart feels a tad bit different.
For the past two days I have tension in my shoulders. I am having trouble sleeping. I am tossing and turning and waking up multiple times. I find myself twisting my shirt in my hands or petting the dog or cats to the point where they are trying to get away. I feel tight and tense and nervous. I feel like I am crawling in my own skin. My stomach hurts and my head aches. I know it is tension. I just wish that I could mellow out a tad bit. I need to mellow out bad. I need to “Man Up” as they say. (Not that I am a man but you get the idea)
Ok enough gloom and doom. Geez I can’t seem to get away from it lately. Sorry.
Monday, July 6, 2009
A quick catch up
You know what? I am a celebrity news junkie. It’s true. I tend to set down at my desk and check the latest information on the celebrities first thing. Who’s getting married. Who’s going to court. Who got arrested. Hell lately it has been who died. STOP DYING! Ahem….
Anyway I am about to admit something that has been bothering me since Friday. Here we go….. I am bored of the Michael Jackson news. Michael Jackson has taken over the celebrity news sites and I am jonesing for some darn celebrity news that doesn’t include details of his funeral or custody battle or who is freaking weeping over him or who is singing at his funeral. BORING!
Although I will admit that I am happy I haven’t had to read anything about that lady caca or whatever the heck her name is.
Enough with the Michael Jackson news all ready!
I had a pretty good weekend. I finally found some darn pants to wear on my cruise. I have been searching for them for over a month now. And I found the darn thing at Sears. On clearance! I got 5 pairs of pants and a pair of shorts for under $90. Seriously! Yee haw me! 2 weeks and 2 days to go!
My uncle David is slowly (who am I kidding, quickly) declining. It is a rough thing to watch. I have been trying to every so often bring them dinner or cookies or something. But I do go visit for a minute or two every day. I want my visits to seem normal. Like my visits always were before. He is having so much trouble breathing now. And he is now getting morphine every day. Personally I have been much stronger since I had the massive boo hoo attack right after my friend had to sign that paper. It is like my body needed to get that out and now I am in all business mode. Take care of things first then break down. It really helped me a lot when the honey broke down. Considering he is a manly man who doesn’t cry him breaking down broke my heart. He considers David one of his best friends. I don’t know what is going to happen when he passes away.
On one hand I want it to be quick and painless. On the other hand I want him around for as long as possible. The whole thing just plain sucks.
I guess I just wanted to update you all on my weekend. lol
Anyway I am about to admit something that has been bothering me since Friday. Here we go….. I am bored of the Michael Jackson news. Michael Jackson has taken over the celebrity news sites and I am jonesing for some darn celebrity news that doesn’t include details of his funeral or custody battle or who is freaking weeping over him or who is singing at his funeral. BORING!
Although I will admit that I am happy I haven’t had to read anything about that lady caca or whatever the heck her name is.
Enough with the Michael Jackson news all ready!
I had a pretty good weekend. I finally found some darn pants to wear on my cruise. I have been searching for them for over a month now. And I found the darn thing at Sears. On clearance! I got 5 pairs of pants and a pair of shorts for under $90. Seriously! Yee haw me! 2 weeks and 2 days to go!
My uncle David is slowly (who am I kidding, quickly) declining. It is a rough thing to watch. I have been trying to every so often bring them dinner or cookies or something. But I do go visit for a minute or two every day. I want my visits to seem normal. Like my visits always were before. He is having so much trouble breathing now. And he is now getting morphine every day. Personally I have been much stronger since I had the massive boo hoo attack right after my friend had to sign that paper. It is like my body needed to get that out and now I am in all business mode. Take care of things first then break down. It really helped me a lot when the honey broke down. Considering he is a manly man who doesn’t cry him breaking down broke my heart. He considers David one of his best friends. I don’t know what is going to happen when he passes away.
On one hand I want it to be quick and painless. On the other hand I want him around for as long as possible. The whole thing just plain sucks.
I guess I just wanted to update you all on my weekend. lol
Thursday, July 2, 2009
A quick letter
Dear Lady in the white pants,
Hi there. You don’t know me but I saw you yesterday at the strip mall. You were walking down the hallway as I drove by. The pants you had on were super cute however there was a slight problem. Did you know that they were see through? Not a little see through either. Very incredibly totally 100% see through.
And ummm did you know that you forgot to wear underwear? So as we were driving up behind you all I saw was crack. I thought maybe just maybe it was a thong that you were wearing and that is why I could see your rear so perfectly. But ummm when we finally got past you I couldn’t stand it so I had to turn around to see the front. You did forget your underwear. Nice to know that you keep that thing trimmed up into a racing stripe.
Love, Jody
(this is not her but it sure shows what I was talking about)
Hi there. You don’t know me but I saw you yesterday at the strip mall. You were walking down the hallway as I drove by. The pants you had on were super cute however there was a slight problem. Did you know that they were see through? Not a little see through either. Very incredibly totally 100% see through.
And ummm did you know that you forgot to wear underwear? So as we were driving up behind you all I saw was crack. I thought maybe just maybe it was a thong that you were wearing and that is why I could see your rear so perfectly. But ummm when we finally got past you I couldn’t stand it so I had to turn around to see the front. You did forget your underwear. Nice to know that you keep that thing trimmed up into a racing stripe.
Love, Jody
(this is not her but it sure shows what I was talking about)
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
There are good things too
Well let’s perk this up a bit. Gloom and Doom gets boring after a while. But I will admit that I needed this outlet to let it all hang out.
But I have other things… Yup I have a lot of other things that I am actually looking forward to!
Coming up first… and yes I am a big old nerd is the American Idol concert. *blush
I am totally looking forward to this to be honest. I completely fell under the Adam spell. That boy can move and sing. Kris Allen was pretty darn good himself. All in all I enjoyed this last season of AI. I am dragging my poor friend along to see it with me.
Next up is my cruise to Alaska!!! WOO FREAKING HOO!!! I am so in need of a vacation. Bad. Really really bad.
Getting ready to go on this trip has been stressing me out. I needed a few things before we went. Things like a camera, pants, shirts, underwear, shoes and a jacket. I have spent the last few weekends out with my buddy trying to find these items. They sound easy to get right?
WRONG
First off it is summer. There are no jackets to be had right now. So I ended up with two hoodies and I have ordered a rain resistant coat from the net. I did get a pretty darn good camera at Costco though. Shirts…. Shirts are no problem. Undies… not a problem. The problem is pants and shoes.
I cannot tell you how many times I have looked for pants and shoes. Due to the fact that I am short and semi round *snort (read that as chubby) I cannot for the life of me find pants that fit. LONG pants that is. I have found plenty of capris. But if I am going to freeze to death in Alaska I need to have long pants. Especially for the salmon fishing excursion we are going on. (The honey’s dream. Fishing in Alaska)
The problem I keep coming up with in regards to pants is the fact that they are about 2 feet to long. Not only that but it is like some power that be has decided that petite (aka short) people must be twigs. So the pants in the petite section are all super skinny. Even the large sizes. What in the hell is up with that? How can I fit into a particular size in woman’s but I grab that same size in petites and it won’t go past my thighs? VERY Frustrating.
Last weekend we went to the mall to find shoes and pants. We get about half way through and the fire alarm goes off and the mall shuts down and we have to leave. So then we get in the car and go to target and while we are in there the power goes off. UNREAL. This is how my pants and shoe hunting has gone. So now I have about 3 weeks left and I am beginning to freak out a bit.
Oh I did find a pair of pants that did fit. Length, legs and everything. The problem was this. (This is not me by the way)
See it? WTF did they build the pants to look like that? Who wants their crotch on point like that? Hell they might as well make that part of the pants neon pink or yellow or something Jeez….
Someday soon I hope to get some pants. And I think I have decided to get some vans. Easy shoes that I will spray with waterproofing stuff.
Next up after my cruise is a Green Day Concert!!!! WOO HOO
I can’t even tell you how excited I am about this. For some reason I find their music very sexy and fun. The newest album is damn good. American Idiot was pretty darn good.
Last thing I have planned is a Metallica concert!!! Very excited about this one too. To bad this one is in December UGH
So yes as you can see I do have a lot to look forward too!!! Gotta look for the good in life too.
But I have other things… Yup I have a lot of other things that I am actually looking forward to!
Coming up first… and yes I am a big old nerd is the American Idol concert. *blush
I am totally looking forward to this to be honest. I completely fell under the Adam spell. That boy can move and sing. Kris Allen was pretty darn good himself. All in all I enjoyed this last season of AI. I am dragging my poor friend along to see it with me.
Next up is my cruise to Alaska!!! WOO FREAKING HOO!!! I am so in need of a vacation. Bad. Really really bad.
Getting ready to go on this trip has been stressing me out. I needed a few things before we went. Things like a camera, pants, shirts, underwear, shoes and a jacket. I have spent the last few weekends out with my buddy trying to find these items. They sound easy to get right?
WRONG
First off it is summer. There are no jackets to be had right now. So I ended up with two hoodies and I have ordered a rain resistant coat from the net. I did get a pretty darn good camera at Costco though. Shirts…. Shirts are no problem. Undies… not a problem. The problem is pants and shoes.
I cannot tell you how many times I have looked for pants and shoes. Due to the fact that I am short and semi round *snort (read that as chubby) I cannot for the life of me find pants that fit. LONG pants that is. I have found plenty of capris. But if I am going to freeze to death in Alaska I need to have long pants. Especially for the salmon fishing excursion we are going on. (The honey’s dream. Fishing in Alaska)
The problem I keep coming up with in regards to pants is the fact that they are about 2 feet to long. Not only that but it is like some power that be has decided that petite (aka short) people must be twigs. So the pants in the petite section are all super skinny. Even the large sizes. What in the hell is up with that? How can I fit into a particular size in woman’s but I grab that same size in petites and it won’t go past my thighs? VERY Frustrating.
Last weekend we went to the mall to find shoes and pants. We get about half way through and the fire alarm goes off and the mall shuts down and we have to leave. So then we get in the car and go to target and while we are in there the power goes off. UNREAL. This is how my pants and shoe hunting has gone. So now I have about 3 weeks left and I am beginning to freak out a bit.
Oh I did find a pair of pants that did fit. Length, legs and everything. The problem was this. (This is not me by the way)
See it? WTF did they build the pants to look like that? Who wants their crotch on point like that? Hell they might as well make that part of the pants neon pink or yellow or something Jeez….
Someday soon I hope to get some pants. And I think I have decided to get some vans. Easy shoes that I will spray with waterproofing stuff.
Next up after my cruise is a Green Day Concert!!!! WOO HOO
I can’t even tell you how excited I am about this. For some reason I find their music very sexy and fun. The newest album is damn good. American Idiot was pretty darn good.
Last thing I have planned is a Metallica concert!!! Very excited about this one too. To bad this one is in December UGH
So yes as you can see I do have a lot to look forward too!!! Gotta look for the good in life too.
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