Empathy

This blog world is a weird and wonderful thing. As I was reading blogs and a board I visit every day one of my buddies said something about a wiener dog race. That pushed a button in my mind and reminded me that I needed to look at a blog I hadn't looked at in a while.
Remember how I switched computers and lost everything? Well she was one of them. I used to read her daily and was completely excited to go read what I had missed.
I missed a lot it seems.
Her son at the age of twenty committed suicide. I can't explain to you the sense of shock and disbelief that flowed through me. Here is this beautiful, healthy, happy kid gone in an instant. Here is a family that is going through a hell of their own.
He had a constant smile on his face and in his eyes.
It just slammed home the fact that we don't know what is going on inside of people.
My heart just bled.
I hurt for her. It was one of those rare times when you wish that you could reach through the computer and hug someone who you have never met.
Hallie is a freaking strong woman though. She took a tragedy and turned it into something more then just a tragedy. She made the tough choice to donate his organs so others could live. Tell me how much strength that must have taken. How much love she sent to random strangers she will never meet. In her hour of sadness she brought hope to others. Amazing woman.
She and her entire family plus some friends are joining in on Out of the Darkness Overnight.
“Out of the Darkness Overnight” is an 18-mile walk that will take place on June 26th-27th throughout the streets of Boston, beginning at dusk and continuing till dawn. This walk is to bring awareness to depression and suicide.
Each member of the team needs to fund raise $1000 in order to be able to walk this. Her team has raised above their goal BUT several members have not reached the thousand dollar mark in order to walk.
Here is the team page.

I sincerely wish that there was something more I could do to help this family. I wish there were words I could say that would ease pain for them. It is hard to feel so very helpless.

Sometimes life just sucks

Well I have had time to adjust to the idea of no longer having a job. And you know what? It sucks bad. I knew the company was slow. After all it was in the construction field but in no way was I expecting to be laid off.

We had a weekly meeting and as I grabbed my pen to go my boss called me into his office. He gave me the flower speech about how it wasn’t due to my performance but due to the economy. He had me sign papers and made sure to point out that I was on the call back list. Like that is going to happen. I figure that is just their way of making themselves feel better. He handed me my last paycheck and a check for the vacation and sent me off to pack my room.

This company has been my job for 2 years and 11 months. The people are like family there. This is the first time I ever LOVED my job. To say this hurt is an understatement.

So now I am pretty well screwed. I live in California and let me tell you something. The job market in the bay area sucks. In fact I did a quick search just to see what was out there for when I get home from my cruise (oh way to totally enjoy a vacation right?) and I found one job. One…. And it was in Utah and I had narrowed my search down to my city.

I am totally frightened and really rather bummed out. The honey has been out of work since November of last year. I really am not in the mood to starve to death you know. UGH. However, he is going on his first interview since November today so cross your fingers people ok.

Today I get the stitches out of my mouth. And I get to make two memorial boards for my uncle for the wake tomorrow. At least now I have time.

I need not to dwell on all the shitty crap that has happened in the last few weeks and start thinking of the positive. The problem is I can’t think of any positives.

My uncle David passed away yesterday

Yesterday sucked.

At 5am I got a call letting me know my uncle had passed away. After trying to pull myself together for a few minutes I went over to sit with his wife to wait for the funeral home to pick up his body. The hospice nurse was there to take the morphine all ready. I went over and said goodbye to him. I swear I was completely numb at that point. Hell I think I was numb for most of yesterday.

The funeral home came and got him about 6:30 am. His wife really lost it at that point. Actually so did I. We all sat in the living room in shock and horror. As much as you prepare yourself for death when it happens it still kicks you in the ass.

We talked and made phone calls once it got to 8am. The honey needing something to do went to McDonalds and got everyone some breakfast mcmuffins. Around 9 people started trickling in. You know we would all just pull ourselves together when the next batch would come causing us all to lose it again.

I lost the time from 11 to 4. Seriously I have no idea where it went. I know I was there but I really don’t remember it to well. It is kind of a blur. Somewhere in there the honey went to Togo’s and brought us all food again.

Around 6 we decided it was time for wine and maybe a beer or two. His son and I drank a bottle of wine. I think the two of us needed that few minutes of bonding time after all the activity of the day. At one point a man pulled up in the driveway. I looked at him and thought what the heck. Why is my grocery store man here? He pulled out some food and buns and came up to the door. Turns out he knows Sue. I had no idea. But I have to tell you that it was a kind of surreal experience.

People came and went all day and most of the night. I knew I had to go to work today so I left at around 11pm. Funny thing that, as soon as I got into my house I started to bawl my eyes out. I guess I had tried so hard to keep it together all day that the minute I was in my own home I really lost it.

I have no idea what time I finally got to sleep. All I know is today I am so tired. Mentally and physically. And I have no desire what so ever to be here at work. I feel as if I should be home.. well next door with Sue. I don’t see myself here for long today.

I’m tired and sad.

Losing it a tad bit

You know when I started this blog I totally did not except to take a trip into gloom and doom land. Life is funny that way I guess.

I went to visit my uncle this weekend for the first time since finding out about his cancer. The walk next door was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. No one tells you how to handle things like this. I was literally shaking. I knew I didn’t want to boo hoo in front of him. I think the poor guy has enough on his plate without me losing it in front of him.

The first thing that struck me was the sign on the front door. No smoking or open flames. Oxygen in use. It kind of made things more blunt and real to me. When we got there he was lying on the couch with oxygen tubes in his nose and dragging along the floor. I smiled and sat on the couch to talk to him. And for some reason it really hit me. This is my uncle.. .the same uncle I have always had… the same man I have known for all my life. Cancer didn’t turn him into someone else to be feared.

It was sort of surreal.

We chatted for a while. Laughed a few times. Watched a little tv. But there were comments that made me turn my head towards the tv until I could pull myself together. He wanted a real cup of coffee. Not decaf. You know, if he wants that real cup of coffee shouldn’t he be able to have it? But the wife thinks it wouldn’t be good for him. It is not my place. He wants to go fishing so bad. But he says his outside oxygen tank is only good for 2 hours. Then he said he might as well go and just jump in and save everyone a lot of trouble.

Hold on a second because my nose just started to sting again and my eyes filled up.

I sincerely hope he doesn’t think that his condition is causing people trouble. But that is just so like him to think of other people before himself. And I welcome the “trouble”. Why? Because that means he is still here. Bring on the damn trouble.

I am going to figure out a way to take him fishing before he gets any worse. There has to be a way. The lake isn’t that far away.

Since that initial visit I have yelled goofy stuff to him over the fence. With his oxygen he is just able to reach the back porch to sit. He must think I am a nut. But then again he knows I am. He is too actually.

I am cooking dinner for them on Tuesday. Spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread. The honey will be taking over the mowing of their lawns. Every little bit helps right?

So far with him though he is mentally ok. He is all there. But with brain cancer that can change in an instant. So visiting as often as I can will be something I want to do.

On a personal note I am still kind of losing it. My sleep sucks. I burst into tears at weird random moments. I am forgetful. I can’t seem to remember shit lately. I feel kind of numb inside while at the same time lost. It is like I just can’t figure out what to do or what to think. I catch myself standing still in the middle of the kitchen not remembering how in the hell I got there or why I was there. Or standing in the shower bawling like a baby. My head hurts. Hell my fucking heart hurts. Laying in bed staring out the window at my uncle’s house sucks. But I can’t seem to get back to normal.

Sorry about the rambling on here. At some point my mind may get back to normal and my blog won’t be Gloom And Doom.