Thursday, May 27, 2010

I think they should bring back the hut.

The menstrual hut that is. My buddies and I always crack jokes around the time we get our period. Gotta go in the hut.
Have you heard of them?
Many different civilizations used to (some still do) utilize things called the menstrual huts. See, bleeding was thought of a bad. Taboo. Women who were bleeding were not to be touched or seen. Anything they touched needed to be burned because bad spirits went into them. On the other hand some menstrual huts were built out of respect for the woman.
In either case when the woman went into the hut all her daily duties ended for that period. She could take knitting or what ever she wanted to do into the hut. Food was prepared and brought to her. She could choose to do something or choose to do nothing.

Think about that for a second. Apply it to now.

Imagine that for 3 days or 8 days or however long your period (if you are female) lasts you get to go away from all of everyday problems.
At that first sign you drive to the beach (don't mind me my hut will be on the beach.... or in the middle of a forest by a river....)
So you drive to the hut. Either there are other women there or it is empty. At the doorway you leave everything behind. You don't have to worry about bills. Or cooking or cleaning.
You help yourself to the chocolate in the bowls scattered around... or the salted nuts....Or ice cream.
You can read or watch tv or play on the internet.
Someone brings you freshly made breakfast, lunch and dinner.
There are fresh flowers all around.
Fuzzy blankets and lots of midol.
When you are done you drive home and wait until the next time.
Wouldn't that make a period something you almost look forward to?

So I say yes!! Bring back the hut!!! I don't need it yet but when I do... I would love to have one to go to.

By the way last night I took a stupid sleeping pill.. and you know what? I still couldn't freaking sleep and I woke up around 45 minutes earlier UGH

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

This sleep issue is getting to me

For the past two weeks I haven't been able to sleep well. I have no idea what is going on but really I think it is past time it stopped.
I dread the lights turning off and the tv turned off. That is the point where I lay there with my eyes wide open staring at the ceiling.
Night after night I am wide awake. When I do fall asleep I toss and turn and turn and toss waking myself up over and over again. I get to hot. Then I get to cold. Then the blankets itch or my leg itches or UGH! You get the picture.
This happens every night. It has gotten to the point where I don't want the lights to turn off.
I have cut off sugar and caffeine before bedtime. But nothing seems to work.
And to top it off every morning I wake up at 8:52. It doesn't matter if I lay there until 4:30am not sleeping I am awake at 8:52.
The lack of sleep is making me edgy.
I have sleep medication but for some reason I am a bit hesitant to take it. I feel as though I am pretty well borderline depressed (if not all the way!) and taking a sleeping pill when depressed brings up to many weird death images in my head. You know the whole get depressed and take sleeping pills to die scenario.
I am so far from that it is not even funny but a part of me says no way to the sleeping medication anyway.
I have no idea what the hell that means. I guess I am just weird.
Something has got to give though. I can't stand it anymore. Let me tell you my ceiling is pretty damn boring.
I suppose it will get to the point where a sleeping pill will be necessary but I am hopeful that it won't.
Funny how when I was feeling normal taking a sleeping pill was fine.
I guess I am weird.


Today I applied for a job. I know exciting right LMAO! Not like I don't do that every day.
The job I applied for....I am fully qualified for it. It is in the estimating department of a large construction firm. It isn't a estimator position but it is a Estimating admin position.
This is the first job in a long time that I applied for that I hope I get a call for.
So cross your fingers people. I really need a job. And it was totally strange to actually get excited over a job posting. That hasn't happened in a long long time.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Tiny bites

I can't for the life of me find that dang list of blogs I wanted to do. In fact since my grandmother left I can't seem to find any paperwork that I wrote notes on. It is making me insane since I am a psycho note maker.
I know the little piles of paper probably drove my grandmother nutso but I am going nutso without the piles SHEESH!!!

I have decided that the Lost finale was like a brand new bottle of wine you have never tasted before.
The first sip you wonder was that a bit bitter? Did it go down wrong? I can't believe I am not sure if I like this or not.....
The second sip however... you realize how good the wine actually is. That it is actually a perfect bottle. That it was exactly what you didn't know you wanted.
I all ready miss Lost.
Yesterday was strange. I walked around in a kind of fog. Pretty sad actually. It took me a while to realize that I was grieving people I never met, who weren't real. But I was. I lived with these people for 6 years on my friend the tv. It was almost like losing family members... I KNOW!!! Weird right?

I have to admit it. I am fully addicted to a game on facebook. Treasure madness. I am currently on 217. I KNOW! Now is when I try to addict you lol.
Here is the blurb about the game. (stolen from elsewhere)
Treasure Madness offers up an interesting mashup of map exploration and mini-games. As the name suggests this game is all about accumulating treasure, and like any good treasure you’re going to need to dig for it. A seemingly endless supply of treasure maps are available with each of these maps being made up of so many diggable squares. Using your shovel you’ll dig in each of these squares and uncover either a mini-game, a chest full of gold, a tasty treat, or an empty hole full of disappointment.

The mini-games borrow liberally from a number of other games, providing quick minute of games like Tetris, Memory, Bejeweled and Pachinko. After all – the mini-games are really just a means to an end, and we just want to get our hands on that sweet sweet treasure.

Successfully completing a mini-game will award you with the artifact that was buried alongside it. The game seems to be a bottomless well of cool and unique artifact's, but what you’ll instantly take note of is how each of these artifacts belongs to a set. Collect all 5 artifact's in the set and you can cash them in for a top notch bonus.

Trying to build sets becomes to main objective of Treasure Madness, but there’s a great deal of gameplay that will help you to get there. Buying and exploring different maps, acquiring the right tools to dig in the right circumstances, and tackling a variety of mini-games should be enough to keep anyone entertained. But Treasure Madness also has a unique social element that puts a fantastic twist on the generic gifting you’ll see in other Facebook fare. Instead of gifting decorative items that serve no real purpose, you’ll be able to gift any of the artifacts that you’ve uncovered to help your friends complete their collections. How will you know what they need? Every player can create a wishlist to let their friends know what they’re on the hunt for. It’s a great touch and an excellent way to give social gift-giving in games a real sense of purpose.


I used to play Farmville and a few others but this game is pretty much the only one I have really stuck with. I think it keeps my brain sharp. And the higher up in levels you go the more time you have to play. In the beginning you don't have so much time. I think that probably frustrates some people into not playing anymore. But I LOVE LOVE LOVE this game lol

I still have no job prospects. What else is new right lol.

I spent most of the weekend planting flowers along the new fence. Something about having a brand new beautiful fence made me want to make it look more beautiful.

Ok. It is garbage day.... and I need to dig a little on my game *blushes.... So more tomorrow!!!

Monday, May 24, 2010

The end of Lost

I watched this series from the beginning. I followed every twist and turn... I mean mostly lost but still I watched. Last night as I lay in bed watching the finale I was thinking YES!! This is great.

Then they entered the church. Then Jacks dad opened his mouth. That is when my brain shut off.

I couldn't sleep for a long time. I couldn't figure out if I just watched the second best finale ever (Six feet under was the best) or if I was totally ripped off.
Did the writers just tell me that Lost = people in limbo making stuff up in order to redeem themselves enough to go into heaven? That everyone I had just watched were dead from the beginning? That the island never happened? Or did it happen and the sideways world was limbo?
My brain raced into the wee hours of the morning until I finally fell asleep.

This morning.... I still don't know what to feel. There is a part of me that embraces the fact that this group of people waited for each other to ascend.
There is another part of me that is kind of pissed off. With questions.
Why was Penny in the church?
Why wasn't Vincent in the church?
Where was Richard? Did he actually exist at all?
Blah blah blah.....

So I think I will watch this episode again. Maybe then I can make up my mind if I enjoyed the ending or not.

Although.. regardless.... Best regular tv show ever!!

I have to admit to being a tad bit weepy today....

Friday, May 21, 2010

Today is a down day

One of those days where the poor me sign hangs over your head. I am frustrated and tired of my job search. I am tired of looking every day for a job to apply to. I am tired of every day applying to multiple jobs. I am tired that regardless of how many resumes I send out per day I hear nothing back.
This entire job search for the last 10 months has elicited 5 no thank you responses, 2 interviews and one really fucked up 3 week job. I can't even imagine how many resumes I have sent out. If I had sent out one a day, figuring 30 days in a month that would be 300 resumes. And I know for a fact that there were many many many many days where I sent out over 5 or more.
I am at my wits end. I don't know what to do. There is a huge part of me that is just ready to give up. To just stop looking. But as we all know in real life that is just not possible.
I am tired. Kind of depressed and just totally frustrated.
The main issue for me is that there is nothing more I can do. I can't make them hire me. I can't make them look at my resume. I can't do any more then search job boards, look at company websites and put myself out there in hopes that someday someone might accidentally look at my resume and think HEY.. maybe.
You know I freaking hate the whole poor me attitude that I have lately. I really need to suck it up and put on my big girl panties and keep on chugging along. But god damn it is so freaking hard right now.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The death of a grocery store

In my neighborhood there is a little grocery store. It isn't a big chain like Safeway or Luckys but around here it is pretty well known. I have shopped there for 20 years now. I have gotten to know some of the long timers pretty darn well.
A few months ago I started noticing a empty space in the shelves here and there. I figured they missed a shipment or something. But the empty spaces... they grew. And grew. AND GREW.
Until I was walking through aisles that looked like this.

I asked over and over again what is going on. Are you going to make it. There were excuse after excuse.
I still go. (Yes it is still open) I want to support them and I really hope that they get going again. Which in this economy... I just don't know.
Being unemployed I know how hard it is to get a job. These people have been working at this store for years. One even said he was going to retire early even though he didn't want to if the store didn't perk up in the next few weeks. So I figure my purchase of bread or what ever they have might help save a job. I mean you never know.
The shelves are a little fuller then that today but still no where near full. I admit to doing my shopping elsewhere most of the time since they seem to be out of one or two things I need every time. But if I only need one or two things I will stop there with my fingers crossed that they have them.
I feel for the employees. They are so worried and down. They want so badly for the store to turn around. I want that for them too.

My poor little store. :(

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Was it a scam?

So yesterday like normal I sent out what seems like a million resumes. But low and behold a hour later the phone rings. It is a answer to one of the resumes I sent out.
I talk to this guy for around 5 minutes and he asks me for the phone numbers for my references and gives me his website to visit. I couldn't find the reference paper so I asked if I could call him back. He said sure.
So I peek at his website. It is for a temp agency I have never heard of. A really simple web page actually.
I find the reference paper and call him back to give him the phone numbers. It is at this point I find out that the job ends in December.
Hmmm a temp job that ends in December. I guess it is better then no job right?
Then he tells me to fax over my social security card and drivers license. We get off the phone.

Well I walked around the house almost excited but a little wary. The more I thought about it the more wary I got. The only thing I know about this company is what this random man on the phone told me. The simple website. And they want me to just fax over my personal identification. Without asking to meet me?
The more I thought about it the more uneasy I got.

Yes.... I need a job. Badly.

But not badly enough to send personal information like that just willy nilly.
So I didn't send it.
The guy hasn't called me today either.

I think I may have dodged a bullet.... maybe.

I wonder how many people would just send that over without thinking about it.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Tiny/big Bites to get caught up

It has been a few days since I took grandma home. I have to admit that I kind of miss her. We played cards every night. We went places during the day. We watched tv together. We laughed and just had a great time. Now it is back to normal. Me sitting home during the day alone. I am a bit lonely for my grandma lol.

My cat is driving me insane. within the last two weeks she has discovered her "big" voice. A incredibly loud and annoying meow that pretty much echoes off the walls. She walks around the house meowing at nothing. She stands in the kitchen meowing. She stands in the hall way meowing. In the bathroom, in the computer room, in the cats room, in the living room. Pretty much constantly. The most annoying thing is the 2am, 3am, 2:30 am, etc time when she stands in the doorway of our bedroom and meows... over and over again.
I have no idea how to get her to stop it and the honey is getting pretty damn angry. To be honest I don't blame him it is VERY LOUD.
She has water. She has food. She is a happy cat. I think that she found this new voice and it made her all excited. I honestly wish she would shut the hell up though. All day long she meows. All night long she meows. The only time she doesn't meow is if I pick her up.
Ummm I cannot hold a cat all day long and seriously I can't sleep with the cat wrapped around my face which is the only place she likes to lay with me in the bed lately.

I am beginning to get frustrated and sad again regarding my job search. It is kind of funny how it goes in phases. Hope, frustration, sadness, hope.... I am running out of unemployment again also. I have exactly 4 more checks. I have no idea if I get a second extension or not. But I am beginning to feel like a damn mootch.
Every day I look for a job. Every day I send out resumes. Every day Every day EVERY DAY. In July I will have been out of work for a year. A FUCKING YEAR! Well... minus the three weeks I worked for the stupid company that laid me off.
I am beginning to feel pretty scared and helpless here. All I want is a job. I just want to wake up and go to work. But I guess I am exactly like the thousands and thousands of other people in California.
I keep reading about other people who have been out of work for a year or more and my palms start to sweat.
I have this gut feeling that people are either looking at me in pity or thinking I am just slacking off not looking for a job. Neither feeling is good. And the little comments "you gotta apply to be able to get a job" while maybe not mean spirited really do kick me in the teeth. I am applying. That comment which has been made by more then one person shows me that they think I am sitting on my ass doing nothing. I wish I could show them how many jobs I have applied for.
I no longer get hopeful as I send out my resume. I used to in the beginning. You know that "oh this sounds like a job I would really enjoy!" I don't have that anymore. Instead it is just another resume sent out into la la land.
I can't make someone give me a job no matter how much I want to. But God I seriously need a job. It is beginning to depress me. I am beginning to get incredibly embarrassed about not having a job.

My Sharks hockey team made it through yet another set! WOO HOO!!! Now we just have to beat the Chicago Blackhawks. We lost game one but it is best of seven so I have hope.

I got my tickets to the Wall tour. WOOT!!! The show is in December so I have a long wait. The show was sold out in less then 20 minutes so I feel incredibly lucky to have gotten the tickets.

My house is a mess. With Grandma, a three year old birthday party and everything else that has gone on cleaning hasn't been a top priority. I am going to fix that today... I hope lol

We had a new fence installed between us and the yelling idiot neighbors. The fence has been falling down for years. In fact it had gotten so bad that sitting in the backyard you could see the neighbors. I could no longer open my side window blinds because slats had fallen out and I would look directly into their window and them into ours. We had to block off that section of the yard to the dogs or they would have escaped.
They came into some money due to the death of his sister so they finally agreed to split the cost of the fence. Something we had asked them for years to do. We jumped on the chance and now we have a nice solid fence with no need to look at the neighbors anymore. It is so nice.

I have a few posts planned. In fact I wrote them on a notepad by the computer so I wouldn't forget. I must have about 8 different notepads. I am a list maker lol.

Off to clean the house. And read some posts from you all in between.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Out of town taking grandma home

I had a great visit with my grandmother.She stayed for almost 10 days. We visited Moss Landing, Santa Cruz, the lakes, the cemetery, old homes family members lived in and a few other things. We got ravioli, two cakes and lots of other nummy things.
But now it is time for her to go home.. and that means I will be out of town. Until Thursday.
I expect to blog on Friday I think...

Friday, May 7, 2010


You know life online can be funny. You can have a group of friends that you talk to for years yet in one single moment everything changes. One comment can turn things into something you can't believe happens.
A simple opinion can bring out animosity that has been harbored for a long time. One quick comment can change the entire dynamic of a message board.
There lies the problem of the written word. You can't see facial expressions or body language. Instead you just see what is written. So very easily misinterpreted. So very easy to take offense.
It is a strange and wonderful thing to talk to virtual strangers for years. You become friends. Regardless of the fact that you have never met them they become important to you. When something goes wrong it affects you just like a "real" relationship would affect you.
That happened to me yesterday. In an instant I had offended someone. It was an comment on how I felt personally. It was not meant to offend yet it did.
I have to admit I fell back onto my personal Nemesis and bit back. I asked why they always felt the need to... for better words... pick on me.
My mistake was that. To make it personal. To bite before being bitten.
Instead my bite provoked a bunch of bites in a personal message to me. Personal bites. Bites that ripped pretty damn deep. Her opinion of me shocked the hell out of me. Took what I believed I was and pretty much said I wasn't that. That I was judgemental, opinionated, harsh, critical, insensitive and insulting. It was like a slap in the face. I mean really who wants to find out that that is how someone sees you?
Now it has snowballed so damn far out of control I have no idea what to do besides back off. Stay away for a while.
This is a bummer for me. I care for these people but right now I think my feelings are hurt.
I wanted to tell the person exactly what I thought as she had told me but I tried to be better then that. I made the personal attack mistake once. I didn't want to strike back the way I had felt attacked... maybe the way she had felt attacked. I wanted to though. So very badly. There are things that need to be out in the open but I am just not going there.
Instead... Instead I am just going to shut up. I am going to pull it together and take the hurt feelings I have and shove them so far deep that maybe they won't fester.
I wish there was a way out of this stupid mess.

Thursday, May 6, 2010


$1,177 to fix my tooth.

They agreed to allowing me to pay half upon service and the rest in payments.

I have to tell you I am a freaking idiot by the way. I need to get a hold of my emotions better. The poor dentist tells me how much it would cost and my eyeballs filled up with water. I guess I was kind of hoping they could just fill it for around $500 bucks total.
Once my eyeballs filled with water I could no longer talk right. You know that whole throat closing thing. I tried my freaking damndest to knock it off. But once it starts I can't seem to control it.
So there I sat in the chair with my voice quivering and my eyeballs threatening to spill over unable to look at the stupid dentist who I am sure thinks I am some kind of nutcase.
I of course lost the fight with my eyeballs as I was escorted out of the room and into the lobby where I had to talk money and times.
It is mortifying to me that I couldn't control it.
Standing at the counter trying to be the adult I am discussing finances while tears leak out was just horrible.
I get my tooth fixed in July. They will allow me to pay half then and then make payments that we will figure out then.
Now I just need to figure out where the money will come from. Hopefully I can save it and stay away from the OMG EMERGENCY and once you spend this you are fucking screwed money I have socked away.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Have I mentioned how much I hate the dentist?

No... it isn't hate it is downright fear. More then fear it is terror.
Again this stems from my childhood when I had Dr. Dawson. Yes, I even remember his name.
The man had to be 90 years old and he shook. A lot. A LOT! So much shaking that when he was drilling it was completely normal for him to drill off the tooth and into your lip, cheek or gums.
I lived in mortal fear of going to visit him and that has passed on over into my adulthood.
As soon as I step foot into the dentists office I start to shake. I shake to the point where people notice I am shaking. That and the paleness that takes over my face makes me look like I am on the verge of passing out..... which actually to be totally 100% honest I am. The fine coating of sweat doesn't help either I am sure.
Why am I telling you about my death fear of dentists? Because yesterday while eating a stupid fruit snack I felt a piece of my tooth come out. A big piece. A large enough piece that I knew instantly I was going to have to go to the dentist.
If only the fear was the only issue I have. But of course it isn't.
See what seems like a million years ago now but in actuality it was only 6 years ago. I think or it might have been 5 I decided that fear would not be an issue. I was going to the dentist and I was going to get everything fixed. See I come from a family who has bad teeth. Not crooked and ugly but teeth that get cavities very easy. Soft enamel I think the dentist called it.
So I spent 4 months getting 4 million things taken care of. That meant going to the dentist every 2 to three weeks. After insurance took care of their portion I owed out of pocket $4000.
But I was so damn happy my mouth was perfect.
But I owed $4000. I have been making payments since then. My latest bill is for $678.00. I am almost done!!
See that... Almost done. :(
Now I have to go get something fixed.
And I have no dental insurance.

So there are my issues. I have to go back to a dentist that I still owe money to from a million years ago, with no insurance.
I am embarrassed that I still owe them money.
I am embarrassed that I have no insurance.
I am embarrassed to go to the dentist.... tomorrow at 1pm.
Add the fear to that combo and I just might actually pass out tomorrow.

This sucks :(

Monday, May 3, 2010

Removing clutter

I am a pack rat. Yup I 100% know for a fact that I am. BUT I am a pack rat hider. That means regular surfaces are clean with just a few knick knacks here and there but drawers and out. I fill those suckers to the brim. Don't get me wrong they aren't filled with garbage they are filled with things. Things like toys or espresso makers or fountains or just general things.
It took me a long time to figure out why I couldn't throw away things. It stems from my childhood. We moved a lot when I was young. A LOT! Like a minimum of once a year. And a lot of times it was HURRY, throw what ever you can in the car we are leaving type moves. This means out of everything that we owned all most all got left behind. Over and over again this happened.
Now in my adulthood and my stability I can't seem to throw something that may be useful away.
Again I am not talking about tin foil type stuff but actual items. Picture frames, decorative boxes, little statues. Household items. Not junk.
Well I brought grandma home with me for the week. I decided it was time for me to get rid of the clutter that is clogging every drawer and closet in my house.
See I won't be throwing "useful" stuff away, grandma will be taking it to her clubs rummage sale.
So far I have emptied 4 drawers and 7 boxes. I have consolidated all of that into 1 1/2 boxes.
I have a closet that is now over half empty and drawers that are empty.
And I am not done yet.
Grandma has 4 huge boxes that she will be taking home with her so far.
I have to make a promise to myself that I will not fill up the drawers or the closet again. I hope I can keep it.
It really sucks to know you have a problem and not be able to control it. But I am going to do my best.

Off to do some more decluttering.