I am so antsy lately. So freaking paranoid. I can’t stop worrying about my uncle. It seems to color everything. The decline I am seeing in him is rapid and incredibly scary. He has stopped wanting to eat and doesn’t want to drink. He can’t talk very well anymore if he even talks at all. He is losing control of his body.
This strong man who has been there for me for my entire life is shrinking into himself. Handling it is not easy. His wife… god his poor wife. I have no idea how she is handling this. She has to help him walk now. And help him do all the things we take for granted. Going to the bathroom, showering, eating. I don’t know that I could be so strong. But I guess you do what needs to be done.
His son has taken some time off of work to stay over at their house starting last night. The way we figure it he has days left. His son wants to spend those last days with him.
Every day I go over to “pick some plums”. I walk in and wave and smile and tease him as I grab a bag to take some plums home. I am pretty darn tired of plums. But the people at work seem to like them. I am watching him sink into himself. Visibly shrink. It is horrible.
It feels almost creepy to be looking forward to going on my cruise or going to concerts when this is happening. I know that life goes on but my heart feels a tad bit different.
For the past two days I have tension in my shoulders. I am having trouble sleeping. I am tossing and turning and waking up multiple times. I find myself twisting my shirt in my hands or petting the dog or cats to the point where they are trying to get away. I feel tight and tense and nervous. I feel like I am crawling in my own skin. My stomach hurts and my head aches. I know it is tension. I just wish that I could mellow out a tad bit. I need to mellow out bad. I need to “Man Up” as they say. (Not that I am a man but you get the idea)
Ok enough gloom and doom. Geez I can’t seem to get away from it lately. Sorry.
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
A quick catch up
You know what? I am a celebrity news junkie. It’s true. I tend to set down at my desk and check the latest information on the celebrities first thing. Who’s getting married. Who’s going to court. Who got arrested. Hell lately it has been who died. STOP DYING! Ahem….
Anyway I am about to admit something that has been bothering me since Friday. Here we go….. I am bored of the Michael Jackson news. Michael Jackson has taken over the celebrity news sites and I am jonesing for some darn celebrity news that doesn’t include details of his funeral or custody battle or who is freaking weeping over him or who is singing at his funeral. BORING!
Although I will admit that I am happy I haven’t had to read anything about that lady caca or whatever the heck her name is.
Enough with the Michael Jackson news all ready!
I had a pretty good weekend. I finally found some darn pants to wear on my cruise. I have been searching for them for over a month now. And I found the darn thing at Sears. On clearance! I got 5 pairs of pants and a pair of shorts for under $90. Seriously! Yee haw me! 2 weeks and 2 days to go!
My uncle David is slowly (who am I kidding, quickly) declining. It is a rough thing to watch. I have been trying to every so often bring them dinner or cookies or something. But I do go visit for a minute or two every day. I want my visits to seem normal. Like my visits always were before. He is having so much trouble breathing now. And he is now getting morphine every day. Personally I have been much stronger since I had the massive boo hoo attack right after my friend had to sign that paper. It is like my body needed to get that out and now I am in all business mode. Take care of things first then break down. It really helped me a lot when the honey broke down. Considering he is a manly man who doesn’t cry him breaking down broke my heart. He considers David one of his best friends. I don’t know what is going to happen when he passes away.
On one hand I want it to be quick and painless. On the other hand I want him around for as long as possible. The whole thing just plain sucks.
I guess I just wanted to update you all on my weekend. lol
Anyway I am about to admit something that has been bothering me since Friday. Here we go….. I am bored of the Michael Jackson news. Michael Jackson has taken over the celebrity news sites and I am jonesing for some darn celebrity news that doesn’t include details of his funeral or custody battle or who is freaking weeping over him or who is singing at his funeral. BORING!
Although I will admit that I am happy I haven’t had to read anything about that lady caca or whatever the heck her name is.
Enough with the Michael Jackson news all ready!
I had a pretty good weekend. I finally found some darn pants to wear on my cruise. I have been searching for them for over a month now. And I found the darn thing at Sears. On clearance! I got 5 pairs of pants and a pair of shorts for under $90. Seriously! Yee haw me! 2 weeks and 2 days to go!
My uncle David is slowly (who am I kidding, quickly) declining. It is a rough thing to watch. I have been trying to every so often bring them dinner or cookies or something. But I do go visit for a minute or two every day. I want my visits to seem normal. Like my visits always were before. He is having so much trouble breathing now. And he is now getting morphine every day. Personally I have been much stronger since I had the massive boo hoo attack right after my friend had to sign that paper. It is like my body needed to get that out and now I am in all business mode. Take care of things first then break down. It really helped me a lot when the honey broke down. Considering he is a manly man who doesn’t cry him breaking down broke my heart. He considers David one of his best friends. I don’t know what is going to happen when he passes away.
On one hand I want it to be quick and painless. On the other hand I want him around for as long as possible. The whole thing just plain sucks.
I guess I just wanted to update you all on my weekend. lol
Monday, June 29, 2009
Losing it a tad bit
You know when I started this blog I totally did not except to take a trip into gloom and doom land. Life is funny that way I guess.
I went to visit my uncle this weekend for the first time since finding out about his cancer. The walk next door was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. No one tells you how to handle things like this. I was literally shaking. I knew I didn’t want to boo hoo in front of him. I think the poor guy has enough on his plate without me losing it in front of him.
The first thing that struck me was the sign on the front door. No smoking or open flames. Oxygen in use. It kind of made things more blunt and real to me. When we got there he was lying on the couch with oxygen tubes in his nose and dragging along the floor. I smiled and sat on the couch to talk to him. And for some reason it really hit me. This is my uncle.. .the same uncle I have always had… the same man I have known for all my life. Cancer didn’t turn him into someone else to be feared.
It was sort of surreal.
We chatted for a while. Laughed a few times. Watched a little tv. But there were comments that made me turn my head towards the tv until I could pull myself together. He wanted a real cup of coffee. Not decaf. You know, if he wants that real cup of coffee shouldn’t he be able to have it? But the wife thinks it wouldn’t be good for him. It is not my place. He wants to go fishing so bad. But he says his outside oxygen tank is only good for 2 hours. Then he said he might as well go and just jump in and save everyone a lot of trouble.
Hold on a second because my nose just started to sting again and my eyes filled up.
I sincerely hope he doesn’t think that his condition is causing people trouble. But that is just so like him to think of other people before himself. And I welcome the “trouble”. Why? Because that means he is still here. Bring on the damn trouble.
I am going to figure out a way to take him fishing before he gets any worse. There has to be a way. The lake isn’t that far away.
Since that initial visit I have yelled goofy stuff to him over the fence. With his oxygen he is just able to reach the back porch to sit. He must think I am a nut. But then again he knows I am. He is too actually.
I am cooking dinner for them on Tuesday. Spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread. The honey will be taking over the mowing of their lawns. Every little bit helps right?
So far with him though he is mentally ok. He is all there. But with brain cancer that can change in an instant. So visiting as often as I can will be something I want to do.
On a personal note I am still kind of losing it. My sleep sucks. I burst into tears at weird random moments. I am forgetful. I can’t seem to remember shit lately. I feel kind of numb inside while at the same time lost. It is like I just can’t figure out what to do or what to think. I catch myself standing still in the middle of the kitchen not remembering how in the hell I got there or why I was there. Or standing in the shower bawling like a baby. My head hurts. Hell my fucking heart hurts. Laying in bed staring out the window at my uncle’s house sucks. But I can’t seem to get back to normal.
Sorry about the rambling on here. At some point my mind may get back to normal and my blog won’t be Gloom And Doom.
I went to visit my uncle this weekend for the first time since finding out about his cancer. The walk next door was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. No one tells you how to handle things like this. I was literally shaking. I knew I didn’t want to boo hoo in front of him. I think the poor guy has enough on his plate without me losing it in front of him.
The first thing that struck me was the sign on the front door. No smoking or open flames. Oxygen in use. It kind of made things more blunt and real to me. When we got there he was lying on the couch with oxygen tubes in his nose and dragging along the floor. I smiled and sat on the couch to talk to him. And for some reason it really hit me. This is my uncle.. .the same uncle I have always had… the same man I have known for all my life. Cancer didn’t turn him into someone else to be feared.
It was sort of surreal.
We chatted for a while. Laughed a few times. Watched a little tv. But there were comments that made me turn my head towards the tv until I could pull myself together. He wanted a real cup of coffee. Not decaf. You know, if he wants that real cup of coffee shouldn’t he be able to have it? But the wife thinks it wouldn’t be good for him. It is not my place. He wants to go fishing so bad. But he says his outside oxygen tank is only good for 2 hours. Then he said he might as well go and just jump in and save everyone a lot of trouble.
Hold on a second because my nose just started to sting again and my eyes filled up.
I sincerely hope he doesn’t think that his condition is causing people trouble. But that is just so like him to think of other people before himself. And I welcome the “trouble”. Why? Because that means he is still here. Bring on the damn trouble.
I am going to figure out a way to take him fishing before he gets any worse. There has to be a way. The lake isn’t that far away.
Since that initial visit I have yelled goofy stuff to him over the fence. With his oxygen he is just able to reach the back porch to sit. He must think I am a nut. But then again he knows I am. He is too actually.
I am cooking dinner for them on Tuesday. Spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread. The honey will be taking over the mowing of their lawns. Every little bit helps right?
So far with him though he is mentally ok. He is all there. But with brain cancer that can change in an instant. So visiting as often as I can will be something I want to do.
On a personal note I am still kind of losing it. My sleep sucks. I burst into tears at weird random moments. I am forgetful. I can’t seem to remember shit lately. I feel kind of numb inside while at the same time lost. It is like I just can’t figure out what to do or what to think. I catch myself standing still in the middle of the kitchen not remembering how in the hell I got there or why I was there. Or standing in the shower bawling like a baby. My head hurts. Hell my fucking heart hurts. Laying in bed staring out the window at my uncle’s house sucks. But I can’t seem to get back to normal.
Sorry about the rambling on here. At some point my mind may get back to normal and my blog won’t be Gloom And Doom.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
It's bad news
Well I got news on my Uncle David. It’s not good. He has stage 4 cancer. He has tumors in every vital organ. There is nothing they can do. They are not sure how long he has to live. He will be coming home either today or tomorrow.
He is a great man. He has been a pretty big part of my life. I use to watch his children when he worked. He would go out of town Monday through Friday, returning Friday night. I would stay at the house and get the kids ready for school and pretty much live with them for the week.
He is funny and grumpy and loving. He is my next door neighbor.
Emotionally I am all over the map here. When I first heard the news I started to bawl like a big old baby. Then I had to go next door and talk to his wife. That was so damn hard. We cried and laughed and talked about what was going to happen. We discussed cremation and spreading ashes. We talked about how hard it is going to be for the next little while. All those details that pop up. Getting a plastic liner for the bed since he is going to end up bed ridden. Stuff like that.
The family knows he has cancer. Most of them don’t know it is stage 4 and unfixable.
I cannot even imagine the knowledge that you are going home to die. How that must screw with you mentally. How scared, hell terrified you must be.
Then there are the family members. When he comes home we will all be going to visit him. What do you say?
Seriously.
What do you say? He knows he is dying. I know he is dying. Do you walk up and say what? I am sorry? I love you? God Damn this is fucked up David? What?
I don’t want to walk over all perky. All happy. But I also don’t want to walk over there with my eyes wet and a giant frown. No one tells you how to deal with this. How to act. How to think.
We are one way in a good place. We have the time to say goodbye. We have the time to hold hands and show our love. But fuck how freaking awful. He is only 60.
Crap.
My emotions are all over the map. Tears, headache, coldness. I am so damn sad. I am so damn disappointed this is happening. I am kind of numb too.
Hug your loved ones today people. Hug them hard ok.
He is a great man. He has been a pretty big part of my life. I use to watch his children when he worked. He would go out of town Monday through Friday, returning Friday night. I would stay at the house and get the kids ready for school and pretty much live with them for the week.
He is funny and grumpy and loving. He is my next door neighbor.
Emotionally I am all over the map here. When I first heard the news I started to bawl like a big old baby. Then I had to go next door and talk to his wife. That was so damn hard. We cried and laughed and talked about what was going to happen. We discussed cremation and spreading ashes. We talked about how hard it is going to be for the next little while. All those details that pop up. Getting a plastic liner for the bed since he is going to end up bed ridden. Stuff like that.
The family knows he has cancer. Most of them don’t know it is stage 4 and unfixable.
I cannot even imagine the knowledge that you are going home to die. How that must screw with you mentally. How scared, hell terrified you must be.
Then there are the family members. When he comes home we will all be going to visit him. What do you say?
Seriously.
What do you say? He knows he is dying. I know he is dying. Do you walk up and say what? I am sorry? I love you? God Damn this is fucked up David? What?
I don’t want to walk over all perky. All happy. But I also don’t want to walk over there with my eyes wet and a giant frown. No one tells you how to deal with this. How to act. How to think.
We are one way in a good place. We have the time to say goodbye. We have the time to hold hands and show our love. But fuck how freaking awful. He is only 60.
Crap.
My emotions are all over the map. Tears, headache, coldness. I am so damn sad. I am so damn disappointed this is happening. I am kind of numb too.
Hug your loved ones today people. Hug them hard ok.
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