Thursday, February 18, 2010

The post where I spew my guts out

You know PMS is a evil taskmaster. In fact PMS is flat out a bitch.
For the last few days I have been walking around with tight shoulders and a chip the size of a mountain on one of them.
It is funny how things bother you that wouldn't normally bother you. In fact I have even avoided this blog. So I decided rather then explode at some random moment accidentally killing someone I am going to spew some guts out and hopefully remove the building tension.
So ready for some random bitching?
*hands out protective gear

Dear clothing makers,
Here I am in the store to buy some pants. I need pants since my ass is getting fatter. I try on pair number one is let's say size..D. They fit good but are about 25 inches to long since I am short as shit. I walk out into the maze of clothes and pick up about 5 pairs of size D pants in different brands and styles and walk back into the dressing room.
Hmmm why doesn't this pair of pants go over my leg? Must be the wrong size? No it says size D. Must be a fluke.
Holy crap this pair is huge. No... says size D. What the fuck.
Oh look this one outlines my crotch. Might as well make it neon orange and get it over with.
Now explain to me this. Why 5 pairs of the same size pants do not fit me the same?
Get your shit together people and make sizes match.
OH and I loved this... go to the more expensive store and the sizes are smaller so a size C is actually a size D. They do that to boost peoples egos. So for more money you can pretend you are a size smaller. Stupid!
This just cements the fact that I HATE clothes shopping.

Dear attached to your phone,
I see you all the time. Sitting at a table with friends. Or walking with a buddy. Or at a event. You sit there with human people and ignore them because you are to busy playing with your phone. You may be talking to your aunt Mabel or your buddy Steve but what about the people you are with. Do you realize that you are ignoring them. That you are in essence saying this person or game on the phone is more important then me bonding with you. You don't matter to me as much as they do. It blows me away. Thank god I don't have friends like you.
And you chatty people who talk on the telephone when a human is helping you at Starbucks, the grocery store, the post office...Get the fuck off the phone until you are through the line. That checker in front of you is not your servant. That is a real life honest to god person in front of you and you are a rude asshole.

Dear nice Witness ladies,
I know you come to my house every Wednesday. I take the few minutes to talk to you because I am nice like that. But let me tell you right now... and I have.. I do not follow your beliefs.
When you tell me there is nothing after death, that you are dead, gone, nothing... I don't believe that. When you tell me that I don't have a soul.... that soul means something completely different, I don't believe that either. When you tell me that every ghost is a evil being, I don't believe that.
You are not going to change my mind. I am 42 years old and know what I believe. I will listen to you and challenge you to prove to me what you believe but my mind... my mind is my own. I will decide what beliefs I have. Not a ten minute talk at the door. Not that little book you want to read. Not those magazines you give me.
I have lived my life. I know what I believe. I know who I am. The bible is interpreted differently by you. Hell by pretty much every religion.
I will talk to you but don't expect me to "convert". Don't expect me to not challenge you. Don't expect me to say "I don't believe that in the least". I am NOT afraid to voice my thoughts. I am not about to tip toe around you. You came to my door expect me to be who I am.
Hope I don't scare you.

Dear skinny friend,
Seriously I know you are skinny. I don't need to hear you spout off about how you finally fit into size A- pants. Good for you. Now shut up about it. The first time is fine the second, third, one thousandth time not so much. Do you see my body? Do you not care about my feelings?
And when you start whining about how fat you are, how you have horrible body image, how you look like a pear, how you can't find pants, how you gained *gasp* a pound. It makes me want to hit you. It just shows me out out of touch with reality you are.
You are so stuck on yourself that you forget about other people.
You are so proud of your body that you don't realize that you put other people down.
It is all about you and nobody else but you.
A perfect body does not make a perfect person. I would rather have every dimple and roll then act like you do. I would rather make someone feel good about them self then make them feel like shit.
Sometimes your holier then thou attitude makes me sick.
Big fucking deal you are skinny. That doesn't define you as you seem to think it does. It doesn't make you perfect. It doesn't make you better then me or anyone else as you seem to think it does.
I would rather be known for my kindness then my pants size.

Dear celebrity gossip people,
I love to read gossip. I think it is normal for regular people to want to know how the other half lives. But you know what... I am tired of a few things. So... Shut the fuck up about the couple who had all those children... is it 9? They are divorcing.. crap what is their names...
Do you honestly expect me to believe that Brad and Angelina are having fights about Jennifer? I am so sick to death hearing about them. They are divorced. Obviously Brad and Angelina and their million kids are happy so shut the fuck up about the whole triangle that doesn't exist.
And seriously Michael Jackson is dead. Quit talking about him.
Oh and Perez Hilton... get the hell over yourself. You are gay. Woooooo OMG that must be so fucking hard on you. Leave other people alone. If they want to come out they will. Stop pushing people to come out. You are a disgrace. You actually make me kind of ill. I think you do more damage to gay rights then any other person on the planet. Shut the hell up.

Dear man I live with,
Seriously dude when did you decide I was the help? I realize I don't have a job but coming home every day and asking me what I did gets annoying. You aren't asking me how my day was or where I went, you are asking me what cleaning I did. Let me tell you something right now. That makes me want to not clean anything. That whole attitude pisses me off.
And when I clean the living room, kitchen, bedroom and computer room DO NOT ask me why I didn't clean the bathroom today. Fuck you.
How about saying "Wow honey the house looks good." This kind of comment will make me want to clean.
But no... nitpick nitpick nitpick.
It makes me want to hit you on the head with the skillet when you are sleeping. ahhhh blessed quiet.
Do not tell me that we are fat and should start exercising. Why because you are not going to start. You want me to start. Well you know what if I do start and yes I have, it has nothing to do with you. Pretty much every time you say that by the way I hear your real statement. That real comment that you think you are hiding. That I am fat and should work on it.
*pats his big belly
I am not the only one in that boat.
And then you say we should go on a diet, yet if I cook diet food you get pissed off. You must really be serious right?

Dear Lost,
Get the hell on with it. Oooooo we are going to answer every question. Bull shit. We are three episodes in and we have more questions, a new group of people and new mysteries. What in the fuck. UGH.

Wow... I think I should shut up now lol


  1. I know, Lost just confuses me! But I love it so I keep watching.

    And I can't stand how people are attached to their phones. Frustrating.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog!

  2. *giggles* I'm sorry, but sometimes when you're mad you're funny. I so know what you mean about the size pants. It annoys the heck out of me. I always have to buy pants to be hemmed, because I am short as shit too. And skinny people complaining about how fat they are PISSES THE FUCK OUT OF ME!

  3. I hate to shop for clothes too. For exactly the reason you ranted about frustrating!

  4. uh, hope you start soon. (I've thought for years that that helps it get better.)
    If that was the wrong comment...oops. Funny post.:)

  5. Hahahahah OMG that made me laugh. I sooooo feel like that so many times. All of those things. Pants, shopping, skinny friends bitching about the 1 lb they gained (oh get over yourself), people and their phones glued to their ears, yes yes yes! But me? I am TALL and fat. SO I have the opposite problem. Most pants are too short. Most clothes manufacturers assume that since I'm a size D I must also be short. But No....I am a size D and tall soooo... there ya go. If I were short and this weight? I'd be a size F++. So there. :) Funny post.

  6. I. LOVE. YOU.
    You reminded me that I am NOT the only one that feels that way. Thanks.