Thursday, February 25, 2010
Dear alien who has inhabited my body
Get the hell out.
Seriously you are freaking me out.
I haven't been myself lately. In fact I can't stand myself right now. It is like watching someone on tv who you hate and not being able to change the channel.
I am thinking to much.
I have this overwhelming urge to escape. To just go and keep on going. To be alone.
Problem is I am pretty well trapped right now not having a job. And I normally don't feel so antsy. I don't normally want to escape but man the feeling has been growing like mad to the point of my skin itching.
I am not sure if I am just frustrated at everything. At the job hunt, the money worries, the boredom of being home every day, the never ending housework, the lack of mental support, the cats, the dogs, the honey, life in general.
I just feel off. I am snappy. Bitchy and just plain out of sorts. Kind of like you need a vacation but isn't that what I am on? One big old extended vacation?
I am tired of cleaning the bathroom only to be asked why I didn't sweep the living room. I am tired of feeling like the household help. I know I am at home and I know that should be my job right now. But damn it if I don't feel like pulling my freaking hair out and screaming at the top of my lungs I AM DONE!
I'm blaming it on the alien.
Or some kind of phase.
Or maybe I am just plain losing it a little here.
I am hoping this feeling of.... of....frustration...no..helplessness....no... wrongness just goes away. I find myself hoping that a job will cure it. If I ever get a damn job.
I AM DONE. UGH.
It is like every insecurity I have ever had is rearing it's ugly little head.
I actually laid in bed last night trying to determine if I would be able to make it on my own. If I would be able to be an "adult" and take care of myself.
When did I become so...scared.
I used to be the type of girl who on the spur of the moment would do what I wanted. Damn the consequences.
Now I feel timid. What happened to me?
Anywhoooooooooooo.... in other news lol
I busted my dog yesterday with a possum in her mouth. A dead possum but still it was A DEAD POSSUM!!! EEEWWWWWWW
I live in a very large city. So it was kind of a shock.
And the longer I looked at the thing the more I realized it was just a baby and then I started feeling sorry for the little dead guy. Sigh.
Last weekend I went house shopping with my buddy Sazy. Her mom is moving out here from out of state. (HA I almost wrote outer space) Sazy had a list of homes under 80 thousand dollars. I had no idea that you could get a house between 50 and 80 thousand dollars in California. And I was doubly shocked to find out they NICE houses. Pretty houses. Houses that were built after 1995 and have 3 bedrooms. There were older and newer homes and most of them were wonderful. There was one where the people who left it obviously were pissed off so they did a ton of damage from ripped out wall fixtures to a burn on the kitchen floor.
We drove all over the central valley and had a blast sneaking into backyards to look in windows. The scenery was stunning.
Then we stopped for dinner on the way home and had the worst meal of either of our lives. Seriously. HORRIBLE! But I do have to add that day to one of my best days ever list.
But then again I always have fun with Sazy.
Enough for today.