A while back I decided to go on a diet. A hard core I am going to do it diet. I thought if I lost weight a lot of things would change. My body image issues would disappear. My sex life would improve. Things would be rosy and happy... if only I could lose weight. It was the first real diet I ever went on even though I had been overweight for a while.
For one year I dieted. I watched every thing that went into my mouth. I spent tons of money on the right foods. You know it is funny how much more expensive it is to eat right.
I lost weight. Actually I lost a lot of weight and started to look thin. I was proud of my body for a bit and bought clothes to fit the new me.
But a funny thing happened. I realized that nothing had changed. NOTHING except that I needed to buy new clothes.
Nothing except that I was fixated on food and what to cook and how much to eat.
It seemed my entire life became food watch and money outpouring.
My body issues didn't disappear. I still had them. Now it was sagging boobs and nothing is good enough.
My sex life didn't change. There was no increase at all.
Life didn't get rosy and happy just because I lost weight.
Everything was almost exactly the same except the damn food fixation and cost.
So after a year of dieting I gave up. I was tired of watching every bite of food. I was tired of cooking special every night. I wanted a pizza once in a while.
I was freaking miserable with the diet life. The skinnier me was ok but it honestly didn't make a damn bit of difference in how I was treated or how I saw myself.
The weight came back a lot faster then it fell off. So now I am right back where I started before a year of dieting. And you know what... I almost don't care.
The only thing that bothers me is finding clothes that fit right nothing else bothers me at all.
I will never be 100% happy with my body either fat or skinny.
My love life will probably never change from what it is.
But not dieting..... being this weight..... being who I am..... is freeing. I am happy with who I am. I no longer feel the need to "fix" myself so I fit into what "they" think I should look like.
I am healthy.
So the fuck what if I have to much cushion.
Of course I get the twinges of my god I need to lose weight but for now I am satisfied with who I am inside. What I look like on the outside may bother some people but would I really want to know them anyway. Superficial assholes who judge on size instead of personality? Not really.
Do I think I may diet again in the future? I have no idea. If I did it wouldn't be the hell I went through before.
It is so damn hard to lose weight. You fight for every single pound. But it is so easy to gain it back in less time then it took you to decide to diet. Unfair but true.
So.. I am fat. So the fuck what. Being fat is not who I am on the inside. I accept myself. I am who I am.
How was that for a 100th post lol