What is up with me lately?

Well let's see. Yesterday I went to a interview for Safeway. Now don't get all excited it wasn't a single interview it was a cattle call. Fill out the application on line and then go to a place between 10am and 1pm. So I filled out the application and drove myself to the location I was suppose to go to. And that my friends is what you call a complete and utter clusterfuck. I pull up into the parking lot and see a line of about 100 people all with umbrellas standing in the rain waiting their turn. I think oh... not so horrible so I go to find a parking spot. As I go around the corner I see that the line is actually wrapped around the building. About 500 people if not more. So I get out and go stand. In about 10 minutes I am soaked to the bone. So I said fuck it and came home. I am pretty sure they don't hire drowned rats with runny mascara.
I probably would have stayed if I had a umbrella. Although my chance of getting a job out of 48 openings with 500+ people standing there was probably nill.
I have been applying at things that in the past I would have laughed at even thinking about. Home Depot, Safeway, auto body shops, Target, Orchard Supply... you get the picture. I have been asking anywhere I go if they are hiring. The sad thing is not one of them has called me. Even the bottom of my barrel don't want me. And for some reason I am almost amused.
See I have learned a few things since I have been unemployed. The number one thing is pride is nothing. Pride in what you can do doesn't mean a damn thing if you don't have a job. And let me tell you something I was full of pride. I was that stupid person who said no matter what with my multiple skills I will get a job anywhere. HA. How the mighty have fallen.
I may have actually needed that though. I was cocky.
Ok lesson learned so can I get a job now LMAO!!
ahem...
There is a lot more I have learned too. Depression SUCKS. It is a creepy mean little thing that grabs you by the short hairs and takes control. But it is slow... slow and steady so you almost don't even see it until you are almost at rock bottom. Until nothing interests you anymore. Until you can't remember the last time you washed your hair. Until you start boo hooing just looking at the job boards. Then it is to late. You are caught. I have to wonder how many other people are there with me.
The medicine I have been taking since Saturday is different. I know at all points in time that I am on medication. I have never taken a medicine that made me feel that way. It makes me dizzy now and again. And it makes me feel like I might make some social faux pas at any time. It is getting better slightly though as time goes on.
But I also see promise in it. I have caught myself humming twice while cleaning. I can't remember the last time I did that. I actually looked in the mirror yesterday and thought wow you look like a slob. Another thing I haven't done in a while. And the fact that it is an outfit I have been wearing fairly often says something.
I am noticing the dirt in my house. I have no idea how I didn't see it before as it is pretty blatant. So the pills are doing something good I guess.
AND look two blog posts in a week. A record lately lol. I have to go to the store now so more later.

Let's see if meds help

I am not sure if you remember previous blog posts where I explained that during pms I become some other person. That it was never normal. My good buddy Sazy pretty much told me I was having to many symptoms for normal pms and gave me a link for PMDD. Think Pms times twenty. After some pushing from her (and a pretty hairy anger episode) I decided to go ahead and go to the doctor.
Problem was I got a man who didn't understand a word I was saying and even said "oh you poor thing" when I told him I had actually gone into the bathroom to get away from the cat. I was going to just give up but Sazy pushed me lol.
So I went. What a difference a doctor makes. This one did the regular pap exam and then we sat and chatted about my issues. She listened to what I had to say and asked a bunch of questions. Then she gave me three options. She dismissed option number 2 because I smoke (birth control pills)
That left getting a implant to remove my period all together (or a different option to remove it) or going on Zoloft for Pmdd. Which is what she says I have.
I asked her which would be the best. She told me to try the zoloft for a month at which point we will do a phone appointment to see if it helped. If it did then I will take it for another two months to see if it continues to help. If this option works I will keep up with the zoloft for my pmdd.
If this option doesn't work then we will have to see about ending my periods. But as of this point I don't need to worry about that for at least a month.
If my pap comes out correct I won't need the cone biopsy. If it comes out bad then I do. Another thing not to worry about until I get the test results back.
I have to go to a therapist once two weeks from now so that they can determine if the zoloft has made me suicidal or nutso I guess. then no more of that. She said it was mandatory for this prescription for pmdd.
So as of right now I am doing a bit of research on zoloft and pmdd and I have to say it looks promising. I am completely shocked at these women's descriptions of another person taking over their body during this time because that is exactly how I feel. They also come back and write how this medication is a god send. But I will do more research just for my own piece of mind.
They say the first few days I will get dizzy and headachey but that it goes away fairly quickly.
Zoloft is also a anti depressant also so I am hopeful that it will help with the feelings that seem to have taken over me lately. I came home with the meds and immediately freaked out over the thought of taking "mind drugs". Like it made me less of a person or something stupid like that. Not reality but what I felt. But as my buddy Sazy said to me when I got scared and pretty much had talked myself out of taking the medication...Look at your blog, I am pretty sure you are clinically depressed. And the honey told me it is just for a month at first. If you don't like it stop.
So Saturday I started taking the meds. Sunday I got dizzy a bit and today I woke up with dilated pupils and a fuzzy feeling. All things that are to be expected during the first week. As of right now I am not sure that this medication is the best thing but it is something right?
I feel like...like... I failed in some strange way lol.
See I am now officially a crazy person. (I know I am not but that is how I see it in my head)

Alive. Not happy but alive

At what point do you just give up? I am pretty much ready to reach that. But then again I can't give up.
I have gone through every emotion known to mankind. Anger, hope, excitement blah blah freaking blah.
To be honest I have no idea who I even am anymore. I look in the mirror and think my god what happened to me. Everything that I had an interest in I really don't have an interest in anymore.
Ah crap here goes another stupid poor me post. I just can't do that anymore. I don't want pity. I don't want people to hear blah blah blah in their head. I guess I am just not quite ready to post again yet.
sorry.

I don't know what else to talk about

I feel like I am freaking out. I have gone through every emotion possible since I lost my job. Grief, sadness, hope, anger, depression, hopelessness. I apply every day. Multiple times a day. Nobody is biting. I am applying for things I am not qualified for, things I am qualified for and things I am over qualified for. Hell I am pretty much applying for anything that even sounds remotely like I could do it. Nothing. NOTHING.
I am going on two years of unemployment at the end of July. I thought about schooling but it is like my brain shuts down and for the life of me I can't find anything remotely interesting. (Minus pastry but that would cost me almost $40,000... hello unemployed) I have no idea how I would even go about schooling.
I just don't have the energy for anything. I don't have any drive left inside of me. I apply because I have to but I have gotten to the point where I sure in the hell don't expect to hear back from anyone.
I applied for a job that was almost word for word my last position. I thought that job would at least call me. NOTHING.
I am flat out done. I have no idea what more I can do. I am scared and hurt. Yes hurt which is stupid but I worked so damn hard to get the skills I have and then to have no one want them? UGH.
Most of my friends and family do not understand why I don't have a job yet. Even the honey doesn't understand. There have been tons and tons of comments about how I must not even be trying to get a job. Those comments cut deep. The settle on my soul and make me feel worse then I all ready do. I don't understand why people don't understand that I don't want this. That it makes me feel like less of a person. That each comment they make hurts and drags me down deeper into this damn depression that I can't claw myself out of. It was even a conversation during a Christmas party where everyone laughed and said I just wanted to be a housewife and started teasing the honey. I was mortified.
I am tired of watching every penny I have. I am tired of needing help sometimes with the groceries or bills. I have no fucking pride left. I hate this so much.
I am embarrassed about not having a job. So embarrassed. So fucking embarrassed.
I wish to God that this was over all ready. It has to end right? Right?

I think I am losing my mind.

Hello all

I just haven't been in the right place to blog lately. Hell I am not in the right place to do anything lately. I got to the point where I started to think they don't want to hear me bitch about not having a job anymore but I don't know what else to talk about.
I am just plain frustrated with my situation. I really got a shock the other day as I was tweeking my resume to apply for a job and looked down at the date I left my last job. 2009. Fuck.
That threw me into some kind of tailspin that I haven't been able to get out of. I suck. Sigh.
I have skills. I want to work. Why in the hell can't I find work. And of course the longer I am off the less people are going to want to hire me. It is horrid.

Anywhoooo I just wanted to say I am alive and here still.

Family does some strange strange things.

Saturday I went to the annual Christmas party the honey's family holds. While there things got a little strange in the middle of all the fun I was having.
So the honey's brother and his long term girlfriend Diane (almost as long as me and the honey) show up at the Christmas party from Nevada with her daughter and her husband. I am talking to Diane after the hugging and helloing and she holds out her hand and says look at what Tom bought me. There is a sparkly on her hand. An antique type ring. I said wow that is pretty. She goes on to tell me that they were in a antique store and he bought it for her and asked her to marry him.
Now I went into shock because Tom is a hard core bachelor. He was burned hard when he was young and married and it led to a divorce. Ever since then he has been a never in this lifetime am I going to be married type of guy. (he is now in his 60's) So it was a big surprise. I hug her and she goes off to show the rest of the family the ring and tell them they are engaged. I was seriously blown away. So in fact was everyone in the entire family.
About 2 glasses of wine later (for me) I run into her daughter who must be on her 10th beer lol. She grabs me by the arm and drags me into the other room and says you know that whole story is not real right? I look at her and say what story. She says the engagement story. I pretty much say WTF are you talking about. She tells me that Diane is worried that because she has never seen Toms will that the house that they paid for and all the other stuff will go to someone else besides her. Even though Tom has told her repeatedly that she is his sole beneficiary. So in order to firm up in her mind that the family won't try to step in and take what is hers she came up with this idea of an engagement.
Now I am really sitting there with my mind blown. I am thinking WTF. How did she even get Tom to go along with this? Did Tom even know she was going to do this? How could she not be honest with me when I am pretty much the only one in the family who really is close to her? I mean hell I have spent many days and nights with her.
The daughter then makes me promise not to say anything to anyone. Then Diane walks over after my next 1/2 glass of wine and says Melissa told me she told you. I just looked at her because I didn't know what to say. She then proceeds to tell me not to tell anyone anything at all at which point we are interrupted by a group of people and I hadn't said one word to her about it. Honestly I had no idea what to say. I mean that is a big ummm ruse to pull over on an entire family at a Christmas party.
A couple of hours go by and I am sitting on the floor talking to the honey's nephew's girlfriend Bailey. I see Diane and Melissa on the other side of the hallway and hear Diane say to Melissa that she had asked Tom what he thought about what was going on and wiggled her ring at him and he said well maybe we will have to make it happen. At which point Melissa gets all freaking giggly and happy and starts hugging Diane and telling her this is the greatest news ever and she will help pay for it. Then they walked off.
So here I am now in a very strange position. Everyone including the honey thinks Tom and Diane are engaged. Everyone but me who knows the truth. (although I am curious if Tom knew she was going to do that because let me tell you he is not the type to do that.)
So here it is days later and I am still confused. I mean really I could maybe understand doing that to your friends but your family?

ACK

Between being horribly sick and trying my darndest to catch up with all Christmas stuff I haven't been on here in a while. I read you guys but then rush back to buying, wrapping, job hunting, hacking, cooking and cleaning. I am happy to say I am almost done with Christmas shopping. I have 4 more gifts to get and I am done.
I haven't baked one single cookie though. I haven't sent out Christmas cards either. So even after being busy as hell I am still failing lol.
I just finished boiling 3 dozen eggs for the deviled eggs I need to make for a party tomorrow night. I need to pick up yet another shrimp platter for that same party and wrap two gifts for the gift exchange.
I did buy myself a nice pink sweater for it though. Totally cheap. Cause... yes I am broke lol Thank goodness the honey gave me some money for gifts!
On the 23rd I will be going to grandmas. I have to cook. That house is going to be packed!! I am a bit worried that the turkey she bought is going to be to small. We had extras say they were coming AFTER we bought the turkey. I should be home on the 27th. I will be in the casino gambling with other peoples money on my birthday though WOOT!!!
Ok. I have to go wash out the giant ice chest because the honey's brother is coming to pick it up for the party tomorrow. Which reminds me I need to get the beer out of my truck and stick it in there also.
Talk soon I hope :)

Tonight I am doing something I never thought possible

Tonight I am going to see the Wall Live!!!!! See growing up there has been one constant in my life and that was my love for the band Pink Floyd. When I was younger I painted pictures from the wall and put them up in my room. Almost every phase of my life has their music as a backdrop. I have seen them live and I have seen them live broken up. I have seen Roger Waters. But I have never seen the wall. I never thought it would be something I could see since the original production was a extravagant money pit and only performed at 4 cities in the states.
But tonight.... tonight I am going to go see Roger Waters perform the wall live. It is going to be a full scale visual fantasy for me. He is actually going to build the wall. Build it and destroy it. WOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOOK!


I haven't looked at to many videos but I have peeked at a enough to know that tonight everything I hoped for in this concert is going to happen.
I just wish my sickness was all the way gone. I figure my stuffed up ears won't matter since it is going to be loud lol.

Something interesting I found

I want you to watch this. It is funny. It is haunting. The first minute and a half blow me away for some reason. I can't stop watching it.


See what I mean?

Anywhoooo... still sick but feeling a tad bit better. Talk to you all soon.

UGH sick

I have been sick for days now. I wanted to let you all know I haven't died or anything like that. Just progressively getting worse sick wise.
Day one was the shivers and freezing to death (fever)
Day two was aches and sleeping all day long along with day one stuff
Day three was the beginning of a snot factory in my nose along with day one and two stuff.
Day four... wow is it only day four... add in sore throat and stuffy ears to all the other symptoms.
This sucks. I have taken so much medicine I can't remember stuff like if I put water in the Christmas tree or not.
I am going to take my stuffed up stupid nose and check if I have to go check in for Jury duty because of course I have it this week.
*sprays Lysol all over post so people don't get sick like me