I have a bad habit of running my mouth too much. In fact several of my reviews at different jobs over the years have said I need to listen more and not talk so much. So, it is not just limited to my personal life. It bleeds into my working life too.
I can tell you when it started. But I sure as hell can't figure out how to stop the habit and trust me I have tried.
See, when I was little my mother moved. A Lot. A whole fucking hell of a lot. At least once a year normally. And always in the middle of a school year. This means at least once a year I started a new school. For those of you who transfered schools you know how hard it is to come into the middle of a year when everyone was all ready established in their little groups.
I learned three lessons from that. Three coping things that I have brought with me into adulthood.
1. Smile even when you are terrified and make sure the smile is in your eyes too.
2. Say hello to anyone and everyone. One of them is bound to talk to you and maybe befriend you.
3. Talk. Talk a lot and maybe someone will listen and talk back.
The easiest for me to do was the smile and hello. The talking took on a life of it's own after a while.
The talking covers up insecurities I still have to this day. The "will they like me", "will I make a fool of myself", "am I good enough", "if I talk maybe they won't notice I am not perfect, pretty, skinny, happy"
I tend to talk first in any normal situation. "Hello"
I fill up silence with chatter. I talk. A Lot.
Sometimes in my quest to be "normal" or "likable" I talk to much. I say things out of turn. I make a ass out of myself.
Trust me I do this in type too. On message boards I frequent or blogs I comment on.
In my quest to be "someone" I can overstep a bit. I just don't know how not to. It has gotten so deep inside me that I don't know if I could not talk so much.
Because you see inside I am still that frightened person. I still want to be accepted for who I am. I still don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I still don't feel pretty or perfect or skinny or happy.
So I talk. And freaking talk.
I still say hello to almost every person I come into face to face contact. I still smile with my mouth and eyes. But inside I am cringing a whole lot. I don't want to be rejected and I am positive that I will be. So instead of giving you that chance I smile at you and talk. And talk.
I wish I didn't feel that need anymore. I wish that I could fix this problem of mine. I mean it must be a problem if even my works noticed it. But I don't know how. I don't magicly see myself becoming confident.
So I guess.... I guess I will continue to talk to much.